Public Holiday Monday Splatter…

Brain Splatter…brought to you Patrick Swayze…seems it’s his week…you know he only made ONE good movie…it was this.

Just remember that kids…

BLLLLLLLLAATTTTT: Splatter Time, bitches…

I bought a HUGE TV…just thought you needed to know.

I’ve never met anyone who loves someone biting their ears. Even during sex…stop doing this!

Holy shit, kids toys are so much better when I was a kid. Probably much more expensive though.

I remember watching Beyond 2000, and thinking ‘cool when I grow I’ll be driving a hovercar’. I feel robbed, where the fuck is hovercar? We can’t even get an electrical car on the road. Where is my fusion powered hovercar?

Not what i'm talking about...

Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh, sorry I was thinking about the return to warm weather.

What did Apple do in those years they were not selling iPods, and IPhones and IPod Accessories and the Apple laptops? Seriously…how did they survive the Windows onslaught of the 90’s?

Imagine your life without this blog…isn’t it better?

Also think about this internet has given self-centred arseholes like me a platform to put their ridiculous, stupid and shit thoughts out there for you all to read…god bless the internet!

I should get over the Rosie Beaton thing, huh?

Isssnnn'tt shheeee luuuuurrrrrvvvely....Stevie Wonder would cry about being referenced in hthis blog...

I love Grand Final Day…no matter who is playing! I love sitting down with drinks and snacks and watching a contest…how Australian of me.

MMmmMMMmm Sooky Stackhouse….I don’t watch this stupid show…Anna Paquin needs to buy me a drink. I’d love to make her weekend.

Am I the only person in Australia that didn’t watch MasterChef…I hate cooking for me, why would I watch other people cook on TV…fucking stupid!

I should be Lindsay Lohan’s friend…she’d buy me drinks would have hot friends and we could have meaningless sex.

SHOTS for Gav and Lindsay!

Dust Storms in Sydney, Small Earthquakes in Melbourne….Perth….nothing. Fuck!

Speaking of Earthquakes, I’ve been in one…but I didn’t wake up. It was a small Earthquake but while I was living in Kalgoorlie during the final stage of my ill-fated radio career, there was an Earthquake measure 3 point something on the Richter scale. I slept through it. I think I was the only person in town who had no idea about the stupid quake, phone calls, office gossip greeted me when I got to the station and I said I slept through it…I then went on air and said this…

“So we had a quake last night in Kal…I slept throught it, yep…wake me when it’s a 6.7’.

No wonder those people hated me.

I was told I had impure thoughts….what?

Stop laughing….please?

I want to go back to Roman times. Just so I can be in orgy. They were like facebook back then.

3pm: heading for the Orgy in the communinal baths

If blondes have more fun….and I love fun…how come I love redheads so much….?

Fuck the Royal Show!

Scariest thing I’ve seen this week: The cross-pollination of TV ads at the movies. I go to the movie to get away from shit on TV…fuck me!

I miss taping the radio.

I miss you

I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts….Peter Pan should have fucked Tinkerbell.

I find it amusing that they have people who draw pictures of Bart fucking Lisa Simpson….WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!

Fuck Glee!

Another annoying 'buzz show'

Who thinks I would be a GREAT Corrupt Cop?

I work in a nightclub and HEAPS of fights…can I see a GOOD fight, just for once?

Speaking of which, why is it dudes who get arrested on TV for fighting or Drunk and Disorderly charges always have their shirts off. Does this actually make you fight better with your shirt off…you’re not in the MMA, keep your damn shirt on, you bogan halfwit dickheads!

example A

What is Cody Diablo thinking!? Megan Fox as a vampire! With an awkward young teen girl as the hero (Juno without the kid pretty much)…Diablo your going the wrong way here sweetheart!

Why, Diablo, why?

Note to white guys STILL wearing ‘Gangsta’ clothes….stop. The 8 Mile thing died years ago. Even Eminem (your messiah) stop giving a shit about 5 years ago.

The 90’s were 95% shit, musically.

I love the word ‘slut’. I also love sluts.

True Fact: I’ve never had a pity fuck…i’m shocked!

The new vegemite is called ‘iSanck 2.0’ they turn vegemite into computer software. Fuck sake!

This shit has a name now...iSnack 2.0 *shakes head*

I’m not a sex in public kind of guy…but if you own a Hummer…think of it. Driving a Hummer coping a Hummer, it’s worth doing for the comedic value ALONE!

Dog act of the week: some dickhead king-hitting a guy and his girlfriend at my local. Fuck that shit pisses me off. These people needs to be beaten senseless with a brick, for about 4 hours, and AIDS infected Lady Gaga fan, listening to her album on loop.

If you want a headfuck and have ITunes check out the ‘Night Air’ Podcast…your head will love you for it.

More Vampire shit! I really hate Twilight and the stupid shit surrounding it. I can’t think of many good Vampire movies or TV shows. The only decent Vampire flick was ‘Interview with a Vampire’. I thought this shit ended with Buffy….thanks Hollywood.

If people are going to fight in nightclubs or pubs, let bring it back to the old days, one on one, like Gentlemen. Take it outside, punch on, with the ‘dukes up’ (think 1800’s boxing), someone wins, no one gets mauled, glassed, stomped or hurt in any real way (busted lip and black eye at worst). The fight is declared over, everyone goes back in the pub, the drinking commences. One new rule, the fighting parties have to shake hands after and go home. Some decorum please!

Until Next Week…drink, fuck, masturbate, shit and do all things God told you not to do…barring rape and murder…take care of yourself and that’s it.

With Love and Rough Sex

Gav

No Footy? Now what!!!?

The most depressing time of the year is coming for any red-blooded male… the horrible space in between the Footy and the Cricket seasons.

I hate this time of year just after you watch the winning team hoist the trophy over their heads in victory in the AFL Grand Final…TV goes to absolute shite, and you realise it’s about to become a series of Elvis films and old sitcoms for about a month. I don’t have a shed, and wouldn’t know what to do with one. No car to work on, just the same hangover and nothing good to scream at or drink even more too. It’s the scariest time of any mans year.

OK, I know this was nearly 4 years ago now...but i'm the writer here and the Swans are my team...eat me!

Picture this and weep. Sunday afternoon, noon, post AGB, feeling average from a big night, eating leftovers. You turn on the TV and you don’t have Foxtel. Then what do you see…’The Mighty Ducks 2’. What…the…fuck! It’s soul destroying stuff. Disney Movies about sport and a Hollywood ending are as much of substitute for the footy as giving yourself sexual pleasure with a weed-wacker is to a good blowjob.

Maybe some Motorsport will do (Bathurst 1000 anyone? I thought not), until the first test for the summer, we’re pretty much fucked in the arse aren’t we? By the way before you say it, the Melbourne cup is not sport, it’s betting and drinking and wearing stupid hats event for one Tuesday in November. Fuck the nags and the tracks they ride on.

Yay....

Now I should mention if you’re like me, One HD is the potential saviour of man-kind. I like my American Sport, well Basketball anyway. But if it’s Baseball or a repeat of Golden Girls, I’ll be watching RBI’s and Home Runs…and I hate Baseball.

What do you do in this situation? Do you get into a project around the home? Go for a run? Actually spend time with the girlfriend? Holy shit…you’re lost and you may even cry.

Enough to make a grown man cry? Yep.

With the NBL in complete disarray, the NBA season not starting for 3 weeks after the AFL Grand Final, and only V8 Bogancars to keep a man like me interested in being conscious on a weekend during the daylight, I’m not looking forward to October…maybe the weather will fine up though. I could actually go outside, but what fun is that? God help us all.

Regards

Gav

P.S. Although watching the Australia Vs England one-dayers as I type this, if I have to put up with any more fucking ads with Ricky Ponting’s rude head on my TV, I will kill something small and cute.

A Special Monday Splatter….

Brain Splatter…brought to you my best mates new parenthood. Congratulations to Ben & Amy for bringing their new born baby Aiden Connors into the world. I’m so incredibly happy for you guys.

Now to the splatter…

Who like tits on men? Is there room on this planet for women or men who have a fetish for manboobs? This is what you get for me being ill at home and having time to think about this kind of shit welcome to this week’s splatter.

OH.........DEAR...........GOD!

I need to needlessly hate someone. I don’t have any mortal enemies anymore. No crow, No stalker, No Gretel on TV. Maybe Lady Gaga?

I love reading conspiracy theories, the crazy ones like from Icke and co. FEMA killing us all and making the world population decrease by 90%. Or those people in the city who protest against Sept 11 being an inside job…ok, I actually believe them on that one…but it was 8 years ago kids…you won’t win, give up! They gave a lovely DVD pack though with some crazy stuff in there.

Video clip of the week: Fuck you, I like this song!

(Facebookers click the pic and it’ll take you the video on YouTube)

Live clip (because I can’t find a non-embedded clip…thanks Universal music), great song…extra bit of funny, watch the lead singer at the end of the clip.

Should I go to ‘Youth Alive’ and fuck with the Christian kids heads…maybe I could make one cry, bunch of fucking lemmings…that would be serious fun.

I’m putting my hand up for this job, are listening you Australian Government. Give me 40 grand a year, a nice chair and some snacks (healthy ones please) and I will re-watch all the R-Rated movies before let’s say 1997 and I’ll re-rate these flicks for re-distribution. I’m pretty sure a bunch of these flicks are not R-rated for the most part now. Although i’ll give you one for free….Casino (the Scorsese flick) is still R Rated…just for the Joe Pesci baseball bat scene alone still the only death scene in film to make me cringe (even Saving Private Ryan’s first 30 minutes didn’t fuck with me like this scene did). It’s on YouTube you if want to watch it…but I warn you its nasty! No link from me on that one.

Did you know I’ve never been to a summer festival…not the Big Day Out, Parklife, or Southbound…how sad of me….oh well.

It’s funny to think how many of Today’s bands have referenced Bob Dylan.

Hmmmmm

I wish I was young enough to jump head first into a pile of stuffed toys. I’m still a child at heart…I don’t apologise for it either.

I love watching people spin out of control of their lives…that’s why I love Lindsay Lohan. Come give me a hug sweetheart.

Addict chic?

Itunes 9 review…they just changed the colours…yay.

I wish I studied Shakespeare at school, stating the bleeding obvious my god that man could write.

If you’re into Hip Hop, grab a copy of Jay Z’s ‘Blueprint 3’ (legal or otherwise) it’s downright unbelievable…what Hip Hop Music should be.

Fuckin hell, back in her day…Kate Cebrano was BANGIN’. But I like Mocha skin…yummo!

Yummo!

Worst Movie ever nomination: Roadhouse (1989)…who wrote the dialogue? They should be shot.

(Facebookers: click the pic and it’ll take you the video on YouTube)

I was just watching this on TV…I love this guy’s style. Adebayo (who is a Soccer Player for those who know nothing about Sports) was traded from English club Arsenal to Manchester City and this was his first game against his old club…he scores a goal for the new team and run to opposite end of the pitch to celebrate his accomplishment with opposing fans…my kinda guy. It’s even better fun with the mental Spanish commentator. GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Facebookers: click the pic and it’ll take you the video on YouTube)

I could never date any woman under let’s say 22 anymore…have you heard the typical 18-20 year old girl speak, it’s hideous! Yes, one-nighters are all good though. Don’t even start me on dudes my age fucking 17 yr old girls…you’re truly disturbed animals.

I had 3 days bed rest recently. I think should have written more than 900 words combined.

I have a HUGE….Headache.

When I was told to get Aroma Therapy…I went and bought a coffee…dunno why people talk about it so much…it’s just coffee….oh…never mind.

Anyone who believes in spirits and crystals and dream catchers…leave me the fuck alone!

Summer’s coming…hopefully I’ll be too.

When I heard the term ‘Gross Income’ for the first time, I thought of something dirty (I was 14 at the time), now when I see my gross income on my pay check…I feel dirty and disappointed.

If I had a girlfriend, she’d hate this blog.

I don’t trust Seals….they’re plotting shit. When they strike, it’s the Seal Clubbers that’ll be first to go…they’re totally fucked!

They're coming....

Karate Kid 2 sucked…a lot! Don’t watch this with Rose Tinted Glasses.

Who wants to be Jack Bauer? I don’t! He’s lost two women he’s loved, been beaten, shot, tortured and been through hell. I’ll be Dexter Morgan thanks.

Errrr....what the fuck!?

Gaga: Maybe she’s proving she’s a girl…as Alice Cooper said…’Only Women Bleed’.

Kanye West did the right thing at the MTV award…not saying Beyonce deserved the award, I couldn’t care less about the MTV award (they don’t either…hopefully). Kanye wins just for taking a microphone off Taylor Swift.

I think I might leave a new subject matter blog idea to the readers….what do you want me to write about?

Anyone feel like killing Telemarketers who ring your MOBILE! Fuck me…there is no privacy anymore. Yes, I know the irony of a blog-writer talking about privacy.

For an end to this blog…I leave you with a song.

*sings a song*

You pick it and sign it to yourself. I’m taking some Panadol.

Regards

Gav

Gav Vs New Vegemite…

I wrote about the sin which is New vegemite….well in the sequel to this.

I have bought a jar of this shit and will now eat it on toast. Yep, I’m trying it before I knock it.

Here’s the culprit…and my opponent.

Now for the taste test…

Here we go….yep not looking forward to this

BLOAW!!!! Game on, Toast!

Taste review: it’s not awful. It’s like Vegemite but without the bitter aftertaste tang. It’s Vegemite light, it’s Midstrength Vegemite, Vegemite for the soft. So I don’t know where the cream cheese in it, It’s basically watered down Vegemite to me and my tounge.

Verdict: Not bad, but it shouldn’t be a regular product in fact I still say Kraft are raping the corpse on this one. But it’s okay. 2.5 stars out of 5.

Regards

Gav

Let’s Dance…ok, YOU Dance…i’ll watch.

I wish I could dance. But alas my body and my love for music just don’t get along. I can jump around and mosh like no ones business and used to be able to break dance a little (no power moves, but knew some steps and was remotely athletic). But getting my groove on, shaking booty, cutting a rug, burning the floor and looking remotely co-ordinated is pure fantasy. Let alone winning the girl.

My best mate, Ben tells me NEVER to dance with the women I pursue because I just look awkward. He is dead on; I know I look awkward because I feel awkward. Shakira sang ‘Hips don’t lie”…my hips say….BAD WHITE MAN DANCING! My strength is conversation when trying escort the ladies to somewhere private.

I look especially bad with some guy pop-locking a storm next to me on the left and natural talented African guy, dancing with his even more talented girlfriend on my right. I’m waiting for “Stuck in the Middle’ to start up for the pure irony. It’s truly a train wreck.

Nope, this is certainly not me...

I try to keep my movement to an absolute minimum. Although my victory dances aren’t terrible (as I was told by my friend once), that dance pretty much is a shrug and shuffle, similar to something you see from Snoop Dogg in the video to “Beautiful”. You can’t do that for 5 hours to “Bonkers” and “Sexy Bitch” in club.

Drop it...I really should just drop it...

I’m no Justin Timberlake. It’s a true shame too. Because it’s common belief that it (dancing well) shows how good you are in bed. Now for obviously purely selfish reasons…I vehemently disagree. I dance like old people fuck; slow and sloppy (thanks again George Carlin). How I fuck is for you to find out…if you single and female under the age of let’s say 35.

Rocking bodies..till the break of day...apparently

Maybe I should blame Justin for his smooth moves on the dance floor, because now every woman wants a man that can dance. I also blame my hatred of dancing and people who can do it well on my 2^nd long-term girlfriend…who was dance instructor. The woman could move extremely well and tried to teach to me…but to no avail (as I refused her attempts on every occasion). She wants Channing Fuckface from whatever dance flick it was and i’m Bill Hicks but not funny.

Yes, I actually know what film I was talking about...

‘Real men, sit, sweat and curse’ – Bill Hicks (in reference to dancing in nightclubs).

I’m usually the guy in the club in the darkest corner, with a drink in my hand, looking surly. Well that’s when I’m not playing with the strobe light in the booth or hitting on some girl…I digress.

Do you suffer the same as I?  Or do you look cool and dance like someone Natalie Bassingthwaite would talk to on TV? Or do you look the next move will break thy hips and snap thy ankle in two?……….sorry I was watching an adaptation of a Shakespeare play on TV. Titus, I think.

Over-dramatic as this is topical blog is, it is a curse being without any form of rhythm. Gav: the man born with two left feet and the dancing co-ordination of someone on Xanax held by strings being controlled by a puppeteer on Meth.

But who can turn down and an attractive woman, motioning for you to join her on the dance floor for a boogie? Damn well knowing, you’re as useless as tits on a bull on this or ANY dance floor, so you hope to hell you can coax her off the floor and to the bar or a couch somewhere. Or drag into you and let her do the work and mirror her movements. This is my plight.

So i’ll shuffle (badly) through life with my dancing disability, hope to hell the woman is dumb enough to sit down with me and chat about life, herself and the possibility of sexual intercourse later that evening, because on the dance floor I’m doomed to fail miserably.

With Elaine-like moves

Gav

Brain Splatter…by ‘The Bear Jew’ (Yes, I loved Inglorious Basterds)

As much as I like you people *cough*… I wish I was driving on a California Road right about now. No need for a blonde bombshell, no starlets. Just me, the sunroof open and listening to Led Zeppelin…picture that…my gift to you.

I hate finding out the woman you were flirting with last night is 17 (thanks Facebook Mobile)…thank fuck I didn’t try anything!

I wonder if there is a guy out there with smaller cock than Lady Gaga? I expect the response of ‘you’ at some point. P.S This is last Gaga penis joke I’ll do…I promise.

For some reason this week, I’ve seen a few too many people bleeding…none of which caused by me.

When I decide to start on this book (e.g. Find the funds to go away for a year and write constantly), who should I dedicate it too? Someone always dedicates their book to someone…I think it should be Rosie Beaton.

Channel V Presenter, Jane Gazzo responds to her fans on Twitter. I wrote about how my mates at the radio station think I’m insane for thinking she is amazing (which she is). She follows me on Twitter now (why I’ll never know). Jane defended herself on my Twitter when I mentioned that my mates don’t think she’s bangin’.

JaneGazzo@GavinCrossley Who says you have strange taste? Not FHM Magazine! They voted me no.24 in their Sexiest Women of the World issue in June!

JaneGazzo@GavinCrossley What am I? Bride of Frankenstein? It is them with strange taste… not you sir.. not you.

Jane you are a superstar. Blog love for you.

Ok you doubted my awesome video from last week….fine. How about this…

NINJAS!

Like I wrote in last fortnights’ edition of the splatter, that I’ve been working like a dog lately, which is why I’m announcing to you that pushing my radio broadcasting shit into the background for a bit while I bust my arse for the fucking road trip. No more radio shows for a while. I need more spare time.

Note to women with engagement rings in nightclubs…hitting on the single guys is not good for your relationship…leave me alone…and handball to your SINGLE friends to me, please.

I find it funny that there are in-depth reviews of Porn films.

Don’t you hate it when you drop your car keys down an elevator shaft…this HAS happened to me!

Boredom is my muse. Keep me busy this blog doesn’t happen. Maybe I need a girlfriend?

You have colon cleansing…why can’t they do brain cleansing…my god I need it.

I listen to too much Dance music…next thing you know I’ll own a fuckin Skyline, with a blower valve (or whatever it’s called), with a sub-woofer in the trunk…help me!

Silly, weird occurrences are creeping back into my life…if my Stalker and The Crow return…look out! Fuck, 2007 was a bad year!

Aren’t you glad that Bec Hewitt stopped making music? Was she supposed to be Home & Away’s answer to Neighbours’’ Delta Goodrem…what a weak response that was.

Isn’t this decade littered with shitty pop acts from Australia? I blame Idol.

Another person that needs to stop is Mariah Carey…don’t get me wrong…I’ve drooled over Mariah since the early 90s (yep, an 8 year boy thinking…shheeeesss pretty)…but isn’t time for her to take a residency at a Vegas Casino like Celine Dion did….good money in it too, Mariah…

Stupid interruptions I was on a roll and I had to go to work…does happen to you?

Stupidest thing I saw on the road this week: A Mercedes Benz with Body Modifications…what the fuck…IT’S A LUXURY CAR…IT NEEDS NOTHING ADDED ON….Fuck Sake!

It was almost this bad…

You know what a fun word to say is…Zoo. Say with me ZZzzzzZZZzzzzooOOOoooooo. See; fun… if you got strange looks from people around you. Don’t blame me.

I’m taking advice from a friend of mine…I will actually write about a subject. Maybe how one man could invade a country and make impact…or about watching boobs bounce…fuck knows.

I’m going to invade Tasmania…they need some strong leadership down there.

I still want to fight a Camel.

Have you realised that they’re playing songs from 1998/99 on the radio now…even on Nova…let’s hope this doesn’t delve too deep into this era…like this song coming back…

Boy Bands, Shit dance music…at least we had no Idol winners or rejects back then.

Chant this on a Sunday Morning at Breakfast…AGB, AGB, AGB, AGB, AGB….speaking of which….

AGB done…

Minus the racism…I’m going to be like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino in 40 years, a miserable, bitter, lonely, grumpy old bastard.

‘Gitoffmylawwwnnnnnn’

To women in nightclubs who grind against my crotch…I salute you.

You mention your worst way you were woken, but I have nominee for ‘worst shit to be woken up by after a big night’. I was woken by 3 successive and ascending levels of shitness…firstly a dog fight in my front yard (Gitoffmylawwwn!), then a Vacuum Cleaner at 8:34am, then to top it off someone playing JOHN WILLIAMSON loud at 10ish. Hey, True Blue…fuck off and die in a fire!

I think it’s sad that they’re are songs out there about their dogs…Country Musicians are mostly the guilty party here.

In a domestic violence case, does any ever think about the furniture…no you don’t…that poor Vase.

If I was willing to come out of my comfort zone, I’d fuck in the street.

Here is my Men’s guide to marriage… avoid it all costs. This is very similar to my guide to children, love and committing to anything with no REAL reward…apart from your shitty job…because that keeps you off the street.

My name is Gavin…and I can’t dance…in fact that going to be topic for my new topical blog…the experience of a white man with absolutely no rhythm or body control…I’m really awful.

I’ve got a second job as a ‘door bitch/amateur photographer/PR boy’ at a local nightclub in my area. I love berating the patrons who whinge about a door charge (it’s nightclub for fuck sake!). My favourite comeback so far:

Dude: Com’on let me in for free for being a nice guy.

Gav: A nice guy wouldn’t ask about getting in for free

*4-5 second pause*

Dude: Fuck, can’t say anything to that

Gav: 10 dollars, sir.

I came a little.

On this note…*plays B Flat* i’m outtie.

Regards and a naughty lil’ spanking…

Gav