Brain Splatter…my weekly Sunday Hangover cure.

Brain Splatter…brought to you by blunt force trauma

I was thinking about the cartoon Yogi Bear…why didn’t park ranger, just shoot that mother fucker.

I would have killed that pesky Bear...

I wish I young enough to go to a Water Slide park and not look like a weirdo.

My new favourite thing…double showers…oh god, these are good!

Awww yeah

Editorial from Gav: I’m not an environmentalist because they have too much self interest in saving THEIR habitat…I want nature to arch up. I would smile for weeks while running from Tsunamis and Falling Volcanic Rocks.

Word to crazy Bogan women…get some class please, we don’t need nor want your diseases spreading anymore…thank you.

Where the goon at?

I haven’t written a blog with a subject for a while…maybe you guys can list a few things I should either attack or praise…

Ever since I became deliberately ignorant of Top 40 chart music…I’m happier for some reason.

When I think of who I was 10 years ago an awkward, nerdy, skinny teen boy, to who am I now…an awkward, skinny young man…not much has changed accept, I’ve had sex now and I’m 10 times more bitter. Christ, if I live to 35…I’m going to be a fucking hermit, living up North, with a full-length beard and probably still writing this shit…as long as you’re entertained at least.

I love the advertising arsehole who gave him the 'pokerfacebook.com' sign...jesus!

I hate kid’s movies these days; we’ve gone from Bugs Bunny and ‘Rookie of the Year’ to Harry Potter and Chronicle of Narnia…what happened to good children’s entertainment? Maybe I should write a kids’ TV show? About a floating/flying, talking, annoying, invincible Seal named Sammy…every week he ruins some authorities’ life. He loves cookies, chaos and has a high pitched annoying voice….wait; Spongebob stole my thunder…never mind!

The only thing I miss about 2007…the creative surge cause by a year without sex (not entirely voluntary). It’s too big of a cost to get my full mojo back…but some of my best material came out of that period…and that was the only thing that came back then.

Whoever is behind Bindy Irwin’s career needs to shot in the genitals…the Irwins public life should have died with Steve. What a way to capitalise on her dad’s death though, incredible marketing decision though. Crikey!

Fuck off! you waste of skin!

I sometimes miss my days as recluse…then I drink some shots and grab the girls arse, who has got herself pressed against my button fly…and I feel better all of a sudden.

The hug…the best non sexual feeling on the planet…hands down.

I drove a Hummer this week…just thought you needed to know.

I think I just came a little...

Quality I find admirable in women…a sense of humour. Not many women are genuinely funny. But I don’t find many men funny either. Good luck.

Don’t push me…push an alcopop.

Tax time: Another way for the government to fuck you in the arse!

Whoever thought of the blowjob…thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

We lost the grand final of the Softball World Championships to the US…my thought…we have a national softball team?

I love the word Slut. I also love them women inhabit that name too…but always with protection…and a long shower after.

This was the first image that came up when I put 'slut' into google images...the rest I couldn't post up

I should grow up…but being an immature, horny, heavy drinking bastard is too much fun.

I envy the super rich…I admit that. Who doesn’t want to sit around a pool, work on my abs for the sake of looking good for the premier of some shit movie and bangin’ models Dusk til Dawn…then I feel sad. Stupid rich people…

This will cheer me up…

Better….

Reason for a girlfriend #45: Spooning on the couch watch a DVD and falling asleep that way…then she kills you in your sleep with a pillow! Wait that’s my re-occurring nightmare…moving on.

This is going to be the bit, in the splatter which people whinge about the most……………….well start complaining!

WOMEN SHOULD NOT CALL FOOTBALL GAMES! I just heard a woman call the Geelong/Hawthorn game from yesterday, she called the winning points after the siren! I’m all for women in sports media…but not calling the game…sorry.

I’m glad I’m not ‘the son of’ anyone. Fuck following in anyone’s footsteps.

What’s with the current trend in TV to have Panel talk about the news in ‘humorous’ manner. Wow, I’m going to tune into Dave Hughes and some halfwit journalists try and be funny about news items… Leave this alone Australia…we have NO ONE funny enough to do a show like this.

Not good enough...

I sometimes wish I wasn’t a cynical bastard, I think I’d be happier…I’m not unhappy but ignorance is bliss.

Found out that the Desert tracker Aboringines have 20/5 vision….which means they can see 4 times the detail than everyone else….that’s incredible.

That emu is fucked! 20/5 vision...thats nuts!

Poor form moment of the week: The hotel bombings in Indonesia…hands down. Scarier though is that fact that I hardly give a shit about it, I expect things like this to happen now almost once a week.

‘Yep, this means i’m a loser’ moment: I spend 5 hours yesterday in front of the computer going through my Oz Hip Hop collection ripping my favourite tracks into the computer to make a compilation for my car…half-arsed excuse I was hungover…nope…still a loser.

Thing you don’t see…a genuinely interesting athlete.

Thing you don’t see…a good looking vagrant.

Thing you don’t see…a high-powered businessman who isn’t a complete fucking arsehole.

Is there a sub-culture for Motorbike riders…they seem like a different breed.

I wonder if Fred Flintstone beat Wilma…he seems like the type. Barnie too.

In happier times..:P

Fuck Twilight!

Fuck Harry Potter!

I hope Radcliffe's career dies shortly after the last film...that would make me smile.

Imagine being sent to Headmaster now. Like Billy Madison…Gav at 25, being sent to head master for being a pain in the arse.

Headmaster: Gav, here again.

Gav: Yup *leans back in his chair*

HM: Did you ask the Substitute for her number?

Gav: Yeah, dude…she was bangin’

HM: Detention…again

Gav: Ahhhh shit!

To end this brain splatter…a short story.

This was about 2 years ago. I’d just finish my Cert 3 in Radio and was looking for a job in the meantime; I saw a job for a paid stage production in the paper. I was like…’i’ll call that and see what happens’.

I arrived for the audition, I had no idea what the production was but I though we’ll see what it is. I rocked up at 8am to this shit shack in East Victoria Park (1^st red flag), open the door and there was a bunch odd looking people…in tights (2^nd Red Flag). I thought ‘oh fuck’.

I was handed the tight…poo brown, faded and stretched in all the wrong places (3^rd, 4^th, 5^th and 6^th Red Flags). So I throw them on and walked out into this group…where they started these warm up games, but these weren’t like Drama class in High School, they were kid’s games like skipping in circles and then some ballet stretches (yep, it was uncomfortable). I was soon to find out that this production was musical production of ‘The Three Bears’.

‘Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!’

Then I heard the spiel from the fat, creepy old guy (seriously pedo material) in charge, who preached the importantance of stage plays and the ‘pre-nounce-eee-ay -shun’ or your words on stage. I’m sitting there in my tights, trying not to laugh or commit suicide.

At the end of this 10 minute pep talk to his troops, I walk up to him the scum tights and tell him.

‘Mate, this all kinds of wrong for me. I’m leaving’.

I lose the tights, throw some respectable pants and got the fuck out of there.

I should ask more questions…

Enough splatter…get in Dexter to investigate now.

Regards

Gav

Brain Splatter…brought to you by snipers.

Ten years since Y2K. Where is my horse? I had a shirt saying ‘wrath’ and everything. This is bullshit! I want my apocalypse! I got my hopes up for nothing. *kicks a kitten*

New rule: Anyone who farts on the train will be removed with force. Then forced wait for the next train while being shamed in public. Vote one, Gav!

SHNEE!

I would date a plus size model…there I said it. I could then say I date a model…I like curvy women anyway so why not date curvy model…word.

Yeeeeaaaaah baby!

God bless the concept of having a ‘Fuck Buddy’…they make my weekend. I hopefully make theirs.

I should come with a warning label: It’s this blog persists, seek the gods. Get them to smite me and strike me down.

At the end of this sentence I would’ve written 139 words of bullshit…

This makes it 143.

Let’s all admit breasts are one of natures’ best inventions…doesn’t that feel better now that you’ve admitted that to yourself?

OK, this is just ridiculous!

I reckon going to a prostitute would be weird. Turning a fun little game (the chase) and good form of exercise into a business transaction… Where is the fun in that?

Great horror movie idea: GRETEL KILLEENS SHOWER!

Wonderful car sticker arrangement I just saw…’What would Dimebag do?” (Answer: not much, the man is dead) along with ‘Get Ya Cunt Out”…classy guy.

The only reasons I would get a game console again.

1.    It’s also a DVD Player
2.    I miss playing Tony Hawk’s Skateboarding titles
3.    NBA 2kwhatever

This is the first time I’ve actually had an audience (radio included)…no matter how small it may be. I love you guys. Really.

My car has SUV features…Two words crossed my mind when I found out this feature…Shaggin’ Wagon!

I hope I never lose my ability to attract strange people. Including odd uni student women on Cat buses…don’t ask me how this keeps happening. A small act of chivalry (‘ladies first’) and they want to know my life story…I can’t complain, but maybe I should get a number or something.

I was sitting on the train and I noticed I was surrounded by teen angst…it made me uncomfortable. The fact that they were all cutting themselves and running around with no pants singing My Chemical Romance on wasn’t a help either.

Emo...gangsta?

I Love the delusional. God damn, you people are funny!

I want to see Cesar Milan get killed on TV by his dogs…that would make my year!

Dogs thought: When you're asleep i'm going to eat you face!

I hate Bollywood films…so stupid. No offense to our Indian friends…but make better movies with less dancing, less colour and more violence & fucking.

Dumbest new headline of the week: ‘Family Killing was ‘extremely violent’…well no shit!

Best part about work…leaving

Worst part about work…listening to ‘superiors’, especially if they’re a world-class douche bag. God damn, I’ve had many of those giving me orders of my working life. I’m sure you’ve seen many too.

Pet peeve of the week: Poor personal hygiene…do people even wash anymore? Bad breathe and BO is NOT a good thing. WASH you smell prick!

I’m going to marry my iPod. It’s the only thing that makes me happy.

I heart these things...

Something VERY concerning: I saw a mother on the train feeding her toddler, Hot Chips and Coke as a meal. Great! Another black toothed, bad breathed, Caffeine-addicted, FAT fucking kid to ruin my shopping experience. Someone confiscate these children please!

Making observation of human behaviour…does this say I like to watch? Well I do enjoy a good porno.

I love the bums in the city playing bad music…you know what I do…walk by. I appreciate the effort but you offend my ears. Get some musical talent or a real job. That goes double for the kids singing badly, playing violin (at least that kid is decent), and the indie/emo guys thinking their playing the Amplifier Bar outside of the Pie shop (they have rock moves for fuck sake!). Fuck you’re stupid! Stop busking please. Send me some of the Melbourne buskers or even Freo crew…at least they’re talented.

Worst part about driving again…the other drivers.

I’ve upset many a person with my anti-charity stance. I’m not stingy I’m not paying the salary of some smug fuck screaming at me to ‘Save the Emu’s’ or some shit. I’ll donate to your cause if you can prove to me 100% of my money is going to those who actually need it. Not this cocksucker shaking a tin and his paycheck.

Fuck someone!

I almost wrote a paragraph about women’s menstrual cycles. But I don’t want to die.

It’s been 10 minutes since my last sexual thought…*thinks about Tina Fey in lingerie*. It’s been  1 second since my last sexual thought…

Best sequel ever: Bad Boys 2. Fuck You, for the ensuing abuse i’ll cop.

There was a truck roll over in Brisbane on Thursday Night and a whole bunch of cows escaped a truck headed for the slaughterhouse. I say the cows that survived the crash unscathed, should get to go back to pasture. If they survived that shit, let em’ go. I go without a steak for a night if that’s the case.

I’m due for another ‘Animals I want to fight’ blog. Let’s start by saying I’m not fighting a Tasmanian devil.

Who thought of torture?

Best part about being Australian, not the bullshit said about ‘Aussie Spirit’ or our hospitality or any of that garbage. It’s the fact we live on a continent with animals, which on the most part can kill us! Nearly every animal can do some serious damage (maybe not a Bilby). I think that’s cool. But not if the animals revolt one day, I don’t think our Army is strong enough to fend off 1,000,000 pissed of Kangaroos and 2,500,000 charging Emus. Imagine if the livestock got involved! We’d be fucked!

I’ll end the splatter with this…………………..

Regards

Gav

Brain Splatter…deep like pus….let’s start shall we.

Brain Splatter…brought to you by putting your face in a big set of boobies…well to me… its fun…fuck you!

To begin…Megan Fox

*cleans himself up* Now….

I’m one of the few people who actually do deserve a fan club…yeah….*crickets*

I need a girlfriend…someone to keep my mischievous punk ass in check…applications to: This is a joke, PO Box 6969, Fucktown, WA.

Man thought not to say out loud during conversation with the hot girl from work: ‘Blah, blah….yeaaaah….She is such a bitch…whoever the fuck you think is a total bitch…she is, okay! Can we fuck now?’

I hate talking to taken girls….there I said it.

Kill Teen Angst…a band name that should be law…They’re a good band too. Check em’ out. http://www.myspace.com/killteenangst

God damn, it’s good to listen to Hip-Hop again. I got my walk on again…buck clack!

I just spent a week on the road…one thing I realised…I really do enjoy being alone 68% of the day. Sorry.

If Gretel Killeen could have a career in TV, why couldn’t Rosie Beaton…put her back on JTV!

Speaking of JJJ, good on them for having a Hottest 100 of all time again. Although i’ll disagree until my face turns blue about Hilltop Hoods ‘Nosebleed section’ at 17…I’m not the biggest Oz Hip Hop fan you know…trust me on that. But this certainly was not a Top 20 song….’Wish You here’, ‘Wonderwall’, ‘Bitter sweet Symphony’, ‘Imagine’…all worthy contributions. I’m sure something else will upset me in this countdown…Richard Kingsmill should write a book on his time at JJ…it’d be precious and pretentious…c’mon he’s a JJJ announcer…but i’d give it a read.

Note: My failings in my life goal to be a JJJ announcer should be taken into account with this previous statement.

You know, I haven’t a Ralph or FHM in about a year; does this make me lose man points? As fetching as they are…I’ll read a Bill Simmons article instead.

Best word in the English language…free!

I hate how Americans on talk show say “me”. It sound so much more self-centred bullshit involved in the overuse of the word ‘me’ when used in that accent. It drives me mad!

Imagine being addicted to Vitamins…imagine how healthy would you be?

I have a 4 bottle a day habit...don't ask about the come downs...they never happen.

Famous person I’d like to fight…Napoleon

Let's rock, fucker!

Overrated actress …Renee Zellweiger

Go away!

I love Ice Cream…there I said it.

Listening to a song like ‘Stairwell to Heaven’ …OoooooOOOoo makes me wonder. How do people write stuff like this? And what the fuck happened to songwrtiting? ”I wanna take a ride on your Disco Stick”….*buzzer*

I’ve had a hangover for 2 straight days…this is what I get for ‘topping up’ last night. I’ve had a drink for 9 straight days not counting today…If I ever became I writer as a profession…would I become an alcoholic like so many others…including my personal hero George Carlin who was also drug addict in the 70’s…what causes this flaw…what deep thoughts…put the laptop down, Gav!

Everlong by Foo Fighters…a song written when they didn’t suck! Compare the 90’s Foo music with the shit they put out now and then come and talk to me about it.

I was mad enough to fight a fern…for the record I won. Why is it that I imagine, that it’s easy for you to picture me picking a fight with a plant (in a forest area…like The Valley of the Giants), and people catching me screaming, rolling around in the dirt, fighting for my life with an uprooted fern tree…what? That’s normal…surely.

I’ve had my holidays back to work tomorrow…that first day is going to feel like hell. Tell me if you know this feeling too. Imagine when I do the book thing in 2011, come back from a year on the road doing what I actually really want do. Then back to working for someone, expect me to see jail time.

A word not used enough…Sinister. What a wonderfully descriptive word. Only the most sinister folk get to use this in the description of themselves…serial killers, corpse fuckers, murderous dictators and Rove Mc Manus come to mind when this word comes to mine. Then my drifts off into doing sinister things to Rove…i’m joking Rovie…*hides the Chinese Water Torture Chamber with the Spice Girls CD on the loop in the soundtrack in the room*.

Speaking of the Spice Girls, my god they’re damage to my psyche is still being felt.

At the end of that sentence I had written 666 words…funny that it was a subject about the Spice Girls. A sign in that I’m sure.

Two contrasts, one room has Queen playing…another has an Amanda Bynes movie with The Veronicas playing on the soundtrack…good and evil.

Can anyone tell me what’s happened in the news in the last week…I turned it off after 7^th straight day of Michael Jackson death details.

Eskimo Joe fell the fuck off!

*shakes his head*

After the road trip of the last week, I had such a melancholy feeling driving home…you do realise there was such a temptation, to keep going and not come back to ‘normal life’…but then with a hire car…it would have been reported stolen and I would have an Oz wide manhunt going after me and the car…why didn’t I do this again? Oh yeah, jailhouse rape…

God damn, I miss driving already. I love the immediacy of driving (no waiting at a bus stop at stop times in the morning)….I’m biting the bullet and getting a car loan from the bank I’ve resisted all this time (7 months of saving isn’t cutting it)…but game on, I guess! My first EVER debt…I took until 25 to get there…most people I know have had one or still have at 18…I’ve done well I think of staying out of financial trouble. That being said…I’ve had a couple of decent paying jobs too…so I got by alright I guess. That and being able to budget because of being unemployed or a student in the same time period has helped me on this front…I miss driving so much.

Listening to ‘Killing in the name’ and not smashing everything in site…how am I doing this? FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! What a lyric!…simple, effective, and poignant!

1990’s…the decade that brought us, Nirvana and the grunge era, Spice Girls, Boy Bands, The rise of Hip-Hop into the mainstream, Cable TV (in Australia) and the Basketball craze. Wow, what a weird decade to grow up.

2000’s…oh dear…god help anyone from this decade. Auto-Tune, Hip-Hop becoming what it is now, Triple J become what it is now, Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Emo, Reality TV, most TV shows from this decade, 9/11 and everything since…what will be iconic from this era which stole so much from other eras (barring 9/11’s plane into the World Trade Centre thing was a pretty crazy and original idea). Originality died and gave birth to a 10 year Britney Spears career (which should have died after one single in 1999), The Veronicas (Two albums), Gretel Killeen’s TV career (7 years) and my failed radio career (8 years). God help us all trying to remember this one with Rose tinted glasses, like people did with the 80’s and 90’s.

Enough brain splatter…you can clean this shit up.

Gav

Day 6: July 9th 2009

Day 6: Homeward Bound…with no animals involved

For those needing a visual aid for the first joke of the blog...

After a night of drinks, walking around half-cut in the rain, I got back to the hostel and slept. At least until the fucking fire alarm went off. I jumped straight out of bed grabbed my bags (which were packed already and opened the door, to the Night Manager and his wife…saying it was some idiot smoking in the dorms. Now picture me, my lappy, bag of tricks and all this on me while standing there in my undies and a t-shirt…which was what I was wearing at the time. With a look of horror and sheer disappointment, then shutting the door. Older, nasty women shouldn’t check out my crotch by the way…I felt violated.

In the morning I checked out at the first available opportunity, passing the vagrants and the general population of Loserville to get out of that hostel…it was THE worst hostel I’ve ever stayed at.

After a breakfast and meeting eyes with a GORGEOUS woman, who served me breakfast with a smile and some extra effort (I think she liked me too). That’s always the way when I’m leaving the town, I run into a stunner, who thinks I’m hot too. Frustrating…but once I got on the road. That didn’t matter.

Because….

More of the rain, Lots of it. Even enough to make pothole in a turn off to some petrol station which COVERED the Hire Car in Red clay water once I hit a pothole. Laughter ensued shortly after, it was pretty fuckin’ funny if you were there.

The drive was a reasonably calm one, wet with plenty of road trains to battle, but I guess because I’m locked in now with these long drives. I just dodged any trouble without any real effort. I completed the Gero to Perth push in just under 4 hours. No stops apart from the fuel up early in the stint. Man shit! *laughs incessantly*

So I’m home…having a quiet night…before the storm of drunken insanity of my 25^th Birthday celebrations at my local tomorrow night. Apparently I have a monster bar tab waiting for me and I will be asking for birthday hugs from my female friends…maybe a kiss or 14 too. Or is that pushing my luck?

Either way…journey over…I hope you enjoyed this travel blog…expect more of the like in 2011.

With Love

Gav

Day 5: July 8th 2009

Day 5: Happy Birthday to me…25 winters in this mother fucker!

4pm: Happy Birthday….me

How spent it? On the road, again…

I left Lancelin after writing the previous blog hoping some for form of party time for me this evening. Although, I’d see some shit before I arrived in today’s destination Geraldton. Gero is the home of my best mate (well his former home), I know one of the radio presenters here too. He recommended the Batavia Backpackers to me…more about this place later.

I thought I’d take in Jurien Bay and Cervantes first. Cervantes…don’t bother. Sea-shack town, full of holidays homes…*buzzer*. So I went to the Pinnacles instead, which weren’t far from Cervantes (about 20kms).

Not my photography

What a strange eerie place this is. It’s a totally alien landscape, it’s beautiful and harsh and looks like a Star Trek set. It’s also creepily quiet apart from the wind, little flora or fauna around too…just dirt and these weird rocks. I disagree with paying 10 bucks to see them (they’re rocks for fuck sake!), but it is worth looking at. Such a strange place it’s like Joondalup at night in feel, but with fewer drunks/crackheads and less chance of being raped in an alleyway (well I doubt an Emu is going to rape me against a pinnacle rock).

I also almost ran out of fuel leaving from Jurien Bay because I didn’t fill up in Jurien (idiot)…and had to wonderful feeling of maybe, just maybe NOT making the next roadhouse before being stuck on the side of the road…and disappearing never to be heard from again…

News headline: ’Man, 25 found dead in a ditch, possibly raped by an emu’.

To cut out 90 more minutes of driving and singing badly along with Dizzee Rascal (some people think I’m bonkers, I Just think I’m free!). I arrived in Gero (and finally some roaming phone covering…thanks again 3 Mobile), I didn’t know Geraldton was this big…it’s a big fucking town.

I found the backpackers my friend recommended to me and checked in…Little did I know the horror I was about to face…

It’s a church run hostel! Oh Christ! It also used to be a hospital back in the day for… you guessed it…god freaks!

No visitors, No drinking, No smoking, No cursing (fuck!) and pretty sure… no fucking! It’s my birthday and I can’t fuck someone in the hostel, otherwise Christ will smite my cock and I’ll need nasal technology for the rest of my days…shit!

This is what I get for not reading the signs…like I noticed after I paid for my single room (45 bucks for this shit shack), bible quotes all around the shop, Crosses EVERYWHERE, and even more rules on my bedroom wall (no shrines, thank god). You should see the decor’ too…I didn’t know Ray Charles had a decorating license! I’m here now…and I’ve paid for the room…so fuck it. This is where I sleep tonight *kicks something*.

If I get lucky tonight…it’s to her place before I get a Taxi back here to wash my shame off and talk to Jesus about good the blowjob was…time for an explore and a drink.

9pm: Well apart from the Skimpy’s (I went to two separate bars with a skimpy barmaid) that was a complete waste of time. Although having those breasts (which were VERY nice on both occassions) in my face while being served was nice…I believe coming to Gero was a big mistake (I kinda knew that coming here). I will be coming back South towards Perth tomorrow, nothing for me here.

I did get to see a HUGE portion of town in my one-man, mid-week, its birthday god-fucking-dammit pub crawl. So I consider Geraldton explored by foot now, not the best way to spend one’s birthday (walking around the street of a town you’ve been in before half cut and getting rained on), but hey its better than being at work.

I’ll take the time to compliment the steak I ate at the Freemasons Hotel (and no conspiracy theorists…I was not approached by men in tunics and asked to help them with the sacrifice of a small child to great Gods of the moon), although they gave me THIS knife…

The knife in comparison with other items on me...fuck me!

I could gut some with that fucker…that is cutlery! Maybe the knife was subtle hint from the Masons’.

I dunno why this hostel got a good wrap from Terry, it seems also doubles as a homeless shelter (some seriously sad humans staying here tonight)…it really is fucking depressing. I would have been off grabbing a hotel room above one of those pubs I drank at tonight (I had a drink at 5 seperate establishments). Gero is certainly off my list of places I’ll venture to see again any day soon.

With digust…

Gav

P.S The OTHER hostel in town had a sign with a warning about BED BUGS! So I was fucked either way, I guess.

P.P.S Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes…lots of love, lust and orgasms to you people.

P.P.P.S This was nowhere near the worst birthday I’ve had…that was last year and 2003.

Day 4: July 7th 2009

Day 4:

I’m a mother fuckin’ driving machine. Although todays effort wasn’t shit on Day 3 brutality, It was a long haul. From Albany to Lancelin, with one stop to piss….550kms, 6.5 hours and no lunch.

I started off in Albany after the single best burger ever (seriously it was THAT good) I took in some of the Albany Tourist sight-seeing crap (which was actually spectacular).

OOOoOOOooo pretty

After marvelling over that for a while, I decided to head north. If there is one word to some up Albany Highway it’s… dull. Pretty but dull, kinda like that Supre model chick I talked to once at a friend’s party and everyone wondered I didn’t get her number…I was also a nice guy, naive and awkwardly shy back then.Now I would tried to fuck her in some form of alley way. Yes, I’m joking by the way.

Apart from the occasion cow, rolling fields of green stuff and ever present ‘Grey menace’ (fuck off with your caravans!) this was a pleasant, somewhat boring 4.5 hours to Perth. Perth however was a pain in the arse to get through…it took me a whole 2 hours to get from Armadale to Yanchep. Jesus!

I also paid a visit to my old workmates at Two Rocks Library. It was good to see Laura and Libby again…it’s been a long time since we spoke (since I got fired from the library in October). Then it was ‘game on’ as I pushed on towards Lancelin.

The backpackers there was pretty good actually, the rooms were decent and wireless internet was top notch. Either way, I grabbed a meal and a few drinks at the Sports Bar, tried to make eyes with the bar chick (she wasn’t interested) and went home to sleep alone (whinge fuckin’ whinge). This is 2^nd best backpackers I’ve stayed in this week (the Sunday Night Margaret River with Irish crew was no.1). I must go now…my birthday drive awaits me. Gero here I come.

More later…

Gav

Day 3: July 6th 2009

Day 3:

Holy shit! That was the craziest day of road tripong I’ve personally ever taken (it may have topped the soon-to-be-famous, Kalgoorlie-just-got-fired-from-radio run). 8 hours, 500+ kms, 30 minutes in the rain and the 40 metre tall trees and 4 towns visited (with 2 driven through and ignored).

It all started when I left Margaret River at 8am with weather turning to absolute shite. I took the long way down to the road the Walpole, via Augusta (through some spectacular Forest scenery). Augusta is a nice town but I didn’t stay long due to the incumbent weather. I’ll return in summer, I think then the place will sparkle.

Then I kicked on to Walpole, it was originally meant to be a stop at Pemberton, but when I got there it wasn’t worth stopping. So I killed that idea, because weather was too shit and so was the town…buy my first impression anyway (sorry ‘p-town’ residents). This driving stint lasted a little over 2.5 hours, I changed road 3 times and thought I was going to die at least 23 times in that time…I’m not doing that drive again any day soon! There is something eerie and evil about that stretch of road…I don’t what it is, but I didn’t like it.

Then I hit the Walpole leg and weather went MENTAL! I’ve never seen rain like what I drove into and deal with. I couldn’t see 50 ft in front of me for a good 20 minutes. The rain was doing a J shape directly into my windscreen that is the best way to describe what drove through. Some people will say why didn’t you pull over? Here are two reasons.

1. Nowhere to pull over

2. If I found somewhere, someone would have ploughed into my arse at 90km per hour. Not good.

So I locked in and drove like a man possessed and when I got Walpole in this torrential downpour there was a quiet fist pump and a celebratory pie eaten. Fuck yes, I didn’t DIE! I also thought of sex with one of the staff at the truckstop at least12 times during eating my pie…and I was hoping to eat hers…my mother would be so proud.

On to “The Valley of the Giants”, and I was slightly disappointed…the trees were HUGE but not the monstrosities I had imagined, that I was shitted on by the rain…I’m glad I bought a poncho…also it was 8 bucks to take a walk in the rain and look at some big trees. I’m glad I did it, but 8 dollars…felt a little steep to walk in the rain and look at trees. They are very pretty though.

I kicked on to Denmark from there. I was actually going to stay there overnight, but I couldn’t find the fucking hostel. I asked for two separate sets of directions from a local who bought a towel from (and she complimented me on my scarf) and then the Police…after two separate attempts, I thought ‘fuck this’ and pushed on to Albany.

The Albany leg was done off sheer determination and nothing else. Just to get to a place to lie down and sleep for the night. I was glad to pull into town at around 4:20pm. After the day on the road, I’d just been through; I was glad to unpack the car, get on facebook, play with itunes, have a shower and ease my mind from the ‘life or death’ driving mood I was in.

I enjoyed the challenge and relished the battle I fought within myself and with the elements and nature today. But fuck doing that again in that weather on those windy, narrow stretches with no phone signal (thanks 3!) and a small Hire Car (which performed outstandingly considering the situation). I’m going to sleep now. Tomorrow because I’ve covered all I wanted to see in the South-West in 3 days (2 of them staying in Margaret River), i’m heading North through Perth and beyond.

More later…

Gav

Day Two, July 5th 2009

Day 2:

I Checked out of the Margaret River Lodge and moved to backpackers right in the middle of town, then drove to Yallingup. Yallingup is a lovely little sea-shack town. I had an incredible breakfast (it was really that good). With a bay view like this..

Yep, I love this kinda shit...

I was like…wooooowwwww! When that view came up out of nowhere when I driving down to the shore.

Although, this was the event of the Yallingup experience…

Poor Benny...

I wonder what ‘Ben Jones’ did to deserve that! Fuck me…thats one public grudge!

Then because that trip took all of 30 minutes, I took in Gracetown too. If you remember in 1996, 9 people died there in a freak rock fall which took in these people. For some reason that ‘wrong place, wrong time’ accident has stuck with me and I though let’s see what this place is like. Well it’s once again…beautiful. Another little sea-shack town, I expected to given dirty looks from town folk and see fishing trawlers….none of which I saw. Gracetown, beautiful place, sad history.

Then on to the pub for some free wi-fi (which wouldn’t work for this PC…fuck!), and a couple of bevvies.  I watched the Saints Vs Geelong game (the 1^st half) until 2pm when I could check into the good hostel. Margaret River Backpackers is its name…central heating, cooler people and a short walk to Settlers Tavern.

Anyway, the Irish girls invited me out to drink with them at Settlers so off we went down to the pub and drank with Simon Kelly playing live as the soundtrack.

Check him out: www.myspace.com/Simonkellymusic

We discussed all manner of things, including Oz animals and how they can kill you. A guy named ‘Jimmy’ who seems to be greatest party animal ever…apart from yours truly 😛 (yes, I’m a wanker). I’ve named him Jimmy Recard (because he’s king of the barstool in that backpackers). The girls asked me questions about Aussie slang (which I know fuck all about, cobber). I wish I knew some so I could fuck with their heads a bit. It was a good Sunday Sesh with some awesome folk. I recommend this activity to ANYONE! Thanks to Irish lasses who asked me to join them too.

Then I had some Fish and Chips and went to bed early (from the drunkenness and a BIG day). What I didn’t know was how insane Wednesday was going to be…made Day 2 look rather soft.

More soon….

Gav

South-West Invasion 2009: Day One, July 4th 2009

South-West Invasion 2009: Day One, July 4th 2009

Hi kids,

Beginning of this journey started at AVIS Car Rental, did the transaction and on the road I went. I couldn’t believe what I saw on the train into the city though. I was sitting behind a woman who whipped out what looked like a wallet… I dunno why noticed this but I FREAKED when this wallet turned into A HOLY BIBLE!

It was a Transformers Bible….Bible in disguise! Wow…for when your religion is slightly shameful…the designer purse Bible…find god in purse form….I’ll stop. A Wallet-like bible, Christ! That as bad, if not worse than the marketing ploys on the signs outside of churches…”A Txt Msg from God”…for fuck sake! Christians = clandestine.

I digress…what can I say about the long drive? I love long drives; love the open road…minus the fucking families and shithouse elderly drivers (is there a way we can deny these dangers to my life their licenses?)…I had no idea why these people (and soooo many of them) were on the same trip I was…time for the new segment of the travel blog. *drum roll*

Quick capsule review of the drive…

The drive: was cool…past the holiday homes, families and grey menace, the weather was perfect (for a cool winters’ day). The scenery was incredible and will get better from here. Furthermore, the best part of this trip so far has been the drive. Also I covered 368.7 km today.

The people: It must be a winter thing; the general public in Busselton were pretty shit to be honest. But I was politely shooing these Busselton teens away from my car (what am I…60?) at the time, all I got was a dirty look. The BIG Jetty in Busselton was closed too…it was where I grabbed by ‘Sammy Jnr’ mascot from last year (now in possession of a good friend of mine). I wanted a 2^nd mascot dammit! I’ll find one later.

In the rest of my encounters with people I had some odd people, the guys who I bought my KFC from in Falcon were a little tapped…one goofy looking kid stared at me like I was some new species as he gave me my ‘meal’. Odd. What you’ve never seen a well dressed man in a Hire Car before?

I do like the friendly nature of the South-West locals although not as friendly as the last time I was here. I think that ‘Southern Comfort’ is cancelled out by the cold, and it is pretty fucking cold at night. I found that out from the walk to the pub. It must have been 3 or 4 degrees last night.

The hostel crew were also very quiet…where are the party animals? I had to check into this hostel a little outside of the town centre and the people kind of keep to themselves. I wanted party-time Margaret River. I got a bunch of quiet types (frustrating) apart the Japanese…but they drink in a different way to you and I…I must party with them at some stage.

The Hostel: This place would fantastic during the summer (and booked out pretty much during that time). It’s like a school camp. The dorms are on a lovely piece of property and has some wireless internet (always a plus), but the weather has effected these folk….fuck it’s cold.

Party Gav wanted to drink and flirt and possibly pick up this week. I think this was an urgent wakeup call that this will not be Sydney (this single greatest week EVER) and I won’t be in any stairwells with a Latino woman anytime soon. Disappointing, but the truth is a brutal thing.

So I guess this has turned from a party week to relaxing one, which what I really need. Let’s face it for the people that know my normal schedule, I party pretty hard most weekends anyway. I think the rest and the quiet will do me the world of good.

I’m also safe to assume that on a Saturday Night in Margaret River, I had better chance of party time than I will be in Pemberton on a Wednesday…so basically I’m fucked when it comes to drunken silliness with folk I’ll never talk too again.

As I write this on the Sunday Morning, I’m not too fussed about that. Although I had the foresight to book in the hostel I stayed in last time I was in ‘Margs’, so I SHOULD get more fun of those people. Time to shower, eat breakfast and packed for a short trip across town to nicer hostel, with more lively backpckers. Sunday Sesh coming up.

Regards

Gav

Very wrong Public Toilet Behaviour..

Public Toilets…home of rapists, pedos, bodily fluid on the floor and my favourite…drunks. This is a quick story from a couple of weekends ago.

These boys have the right idea.

I’m at my local using the facilities. So as I’m having my slash (in a semi-drunken state), I continue to remember the rules of the Man toilet etiquette. One of those rules is look straight forward at wall and don’t make conversation with ANYONE. The public toilet is one of the very few places I’m dead silent.

As I’m doing my business…I hear this from my right.

“Shit, yours is bigger than mine”

My blood ran cold, a shiver went up my spine, and then anger grew after that…then was suppressed immediately after. These series of emotions happened in the space about 2 secs. Without turning my head I said….

“What the fuck, dude!”

Finished up as quickly as I could (squeezing those pelvic floor muscles)…and left quickly.

WHO SAYS THAT…IN A TOILET? I don’t care if my cock is hanging down just below the knee…YOU DO LOOK AT IT….LET ALONE COMMENT! Flattering as it was.

I don’t want to accused of bragging or talking about my junk…because I don’t do either ever. I’m no porn star, so I have nothing to brag about. Some things you just have to humble about…this is one those.

I’m just totally freaked out about this either very drunk or very weird guy commenting on my ‘disco stick’ in a nightclub toilet. He should be glad it was someone like me…who’ll just think it’s funny, embarrassing and eventually write about in his blog, instead of let’s say… beating him senseless with the paper towel dispenser.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Or do you have an odd Public Toilet story? I’d love to hear from you.

Regards

Gav