Gav’s Grand Final Diary…pt 1…

Here we go… St.Kilda Vs Collingwood in the 2010 AFL Grand Final. I’m writing this introduction 2.5 hours before the event and on 5.5 hours sleep. Watching Ben Cousins talk about himself…what’s new?

I’m hoping for a good game and couldn’t care less who wins either way. I’m not one of those Collingwood Vs Australia folk either. I just want a good, tight contest. Now Collingwood will win by 20 goals because I wrote that one. Either way, breakfast awaits…

11:42: Time to start writing I think. JD Fortune from INXS is a fucking douche, I want to hit him…with a truck…then back over him….56 times. I know INXS picked him out because he pretty much sounds like Michael Hutchence, but he’s a total douchebag! It Ain’t Pretty INXS!

11:45 Hearing voice-over man Craig Willis say ‘Put your hands together for INXS brought to you by Carlton Draught’ seems wrong.

11:46: Just saw a package for the Gold Coast Sun…why? They won’t see a Grand Final for 5 years…why only 5…because the AFL will pump money into them AND Greater Western Sydney and have meeting in the 2015 Grand Final.

11:51: It’s time to salute our Grand Final teams…with the Melbourne Symphony…and while they play ‘Up There Calazy”…which always seemed like a call for rape…i’m grabbing my first drink.

11:54: Jim Beam O’ Clock…and the woman singing the Saints song is HORRIFIC! The Pies singer guy was really good. The orchestra thing needs be to done again. Sounded really well…minus the Saints singer.

11:55: Paris Wells who put out a decent R&B single about 3 years ago was the Saints girl…wow…they Autotuned her ass really well. She was truly horrific. She wasn’t as hot as I remember too.

11:57: They just dropped the cup down from a frumpy guy abseiling from a Balloon shaped like Footy. Produced a big laugh from me…are you even trying Australian Football League?

11:59: They’re showing this erection problems ad A LOT!

12:01: In a case of Gav over-analysing commercial again. The Woolworths steak commercial is stupid. A steakhouse chef would be covered in blood and fat…not in a crisp, just folded apron, don’t patronise me.

12:08: Interviews with the Captains and Coaches….boring. BOUNCE THE BALL!

12:09: The Pies fans are chanting to ‘Collingwooooood’ already. Confident much, Pies fans!

12:10: I wonder what low-quality Cola they use for these Jim Beam cans?

12:14: Channel 7s Coverage is so much than Channel 10/One HDs. Dennis Commetti is the man!

12:16: Michael Gardiner from St.Kilda at the back on the huddle trying to hear the address from his captain…looked like an old man at a nightclub….”what!!!? Go Ford and Kick the pole?”

12:20: The Victorian Club have the best Club Songs. Fuck the Eagles and their club song…Freo too!

12:22: Wow, that Collingwood chant is up again…that’s one primed fan base.

12:23: I love this slow motion Carlton Draught ad. It’s a classic!

12:27: I love our national anthem…no one cares…well not like the Americans…you see people get choked up…I nearly choked up…the guys singing our anthem are a folk duo…what the fuck!?

12:30: GAME ON! Well almost…they mentioned that St.Kilda and Collingwood….brawl? Please?

12:32: GAME THE FUCK ON! Bounce down!

12:32: Goal! Collingwood up early! What a roar for that goal too….24 seconds to get the first goal.

12:35: Collingwood are up! They probably shouldn’t shoot their wad yet.

12:39: Goal to Milne. St.Kilda  1.0.6, Collingwood 1.1.7

12:41: Opportunistic Goal from the Pies. 2.1.13 Saints 1.0.6

12:43: Didak just kicked a ripper from the boundary. Made it look easy….3.1.19 Pies. Saints 1.0.6

12:45: Dale Thomas just kicked a mongrel punt…and it went through for a goal. 4.1.25 Pies…St.Kilda are rattled!

12:59: Saints back in it. 2 quick goals…sorry watching the game and some fucking cold calling dickhead interrupted me too…I thought I was on the ‘Do Not Call Register’. Fuck them for interrupting my Grand Final…P.S I’m starting to enjoy these drinks too much. Scorecheck: 4.2.26 Pies. 3.2.20

1:02: Collingwood 4.2. 26. St.Kilda 3.2. 20. I need a refill for this drink, I think. P.S Fuck that telemarketer.

1:11: 2^nd Quarter now…new shirt…my Sydney Swans Guernsey! GO SWANS!

1:12: Travis Cloke kicks a goal. Collingwood 5.2.32, St.Kilda 3.2.20.

1:21: St.Kilda goal. Collingwood 5.3.33, St.Kilda 4.2.26. Great game, tough, lots of niggle too. I want to see some blood now!

1:26: Collingwood get a goal from a 50 metre penalty. 6.4.40 Pies. Saints 4.2.26

1:35: Harry O’Brien kicks a goal to put the Pies further in front. 7.6.48 Pies. Saints 4.2.26

1:40: Travis Cloke just did a Travis Cloke…sprayed a shot on goal directly in front 20 metres out…baha!

1:41: Then another!

1:42: Half time. Collingwood 7.8.50. St.Kilda 4.2.26. Drink Refill!

1:55 I never got the point of the Grand Final Sprint…a bunch of rejects and people not playing anymore this season running…yay!

1:56: For the record: Luke Miles from St.Kilda won the sprint.

2:04: What I hate about modern footy, no punches thrown. Boys, who gives a shit? Start throwing haymakers!

2:08: I got my Blood! Collingwood Player runs from the ground with Blood Nose…better than nothing. Then a St.Kilda goal…a Good minute. I want a St.Kilda comeback…I want a contest. This drunk man needs entertainment!

2:20: After much scramble and a few rush behind finally a mark! And Saints goal to Goddard.

2:22: Collingwood 7.11. 53 St.Kilda .6.4 40. Saints lifting…gimme some drama you bastards!

2:25: I think that drama is on the way. The Saints lifting! GOAL from Sam Gilbert! 7.4.46 Saints. Pies 7.11.53.

2:27: Dale Thomas sprays an easy shot on goal. Collingwood are looking rattled now. Game the fuck on!

2:32: 3 Quarter Time. Collingwood 7.13.55 St.Kilda 7.5.47. Cool, I get my drama now.

2:41: It’s going to be war! Bounce down, Final Quarter of the season. 8 points in it.

2:51: LEON DAVIS! Does something for the first in a big game…GOAL Pies! 8.13.61 Saints 7.5.47.

2:53: Still lots of niggle. These teams HATE eachother!

2:54: Free kick in the Saints 50…HIT THE POST!

2:56: LENNY HAYES! Goal to St.Kilda. Collingwood 8.13.61, Saints 8.6.54

2:57: Mark to Steven Milne! GOAL to Steven Milne!!! St.Kilda pull within 1 point!

3:00: My roommate just woke up…baha!

3:01: Nick Revolt just nearly put the Saints in front! Maxwell saved the goal….desperation! Scores level!

3:02: Goddard takes a screamer! Then kicks an easy goal! Saints in front!

3:04: Saints concede a behind. St.Kilda 10.7.67 Collingwood 8.14.62

3:05: Blood Rule, followed by Red Cross Blood Bank Ad…very clever, Channel 7.

3:08: Collingwood Kick an Opportunistic Goal! Travis Cloke! HOLY SHIT! Pies in front by 1 pt! St.Kilda 10.7.67, Collingwood 9.14.68!!!!!!!!!

3:10: WE HAVE A DRAW!!!! 1:28 to go!!! Steven Milne got the worst bounce in history.

3:15: IT’S A DRAW!!!!!!!!! 9.14.68 10.8.68!!!

3:17: Wow…everyone is stunned! I’m stunned! This is nuts!!!!

3:23: Why bother with the Norm Smith Medal?? Lenny Hayes??? Try Brendan Goddard! Fuck what a joke!

3:24: I guess we will do this all again next week. Have good one. Cya next week for the replay.

Regards

Gav

The Award Tour: Weekend.

The Award Tour feat Gavin Crossley

Day 5:

Yum Cha and Footy, that’s the best way to describe today. I had a nice long sleep in my hostel room with no windows. Pitch black room, with lots of other dudes’ stuff strewn everywhere but i’m not bothered because they’re all Ninja Quiet and as I said…the room is pitch fucking black.

I then met up with Courtney, a friend of 16 years and her newly wedded husband, Jake. They treated me to Yum Cha lunch in Chinatown (which was excellent!) and we went to Ikea and got a drink at cool little bar in Richmond. The bar chick made my drink nice and strong. I think my manners got me far that one. Thanks bar chick!

It was good to exchange stories of the past and present with Courtney. I haven’t seen her in a few years, she hasn’t changed which is awesome and apparently I’m still the goofy/charming Gav I always was. Good to know. For the record; her husband Jake is a total champion.

Cats Vs Dogs:

What can I say about Etihad Stadium? Big, Well equipped, and a great place to watch Football. The game…a total destroyation by Geelong! They OBLITERATED the Western Bulldogs by 101 points. A second straight game of near or over 100 points thrashing I’ve witnessed in two fucking days. A little disappointing to be honest, I hope North Melbourne and St.Kilda is more competitive tomorrow.

Supper with Mona:

I then met up with Mona and Anthony (her Boyfriend) at Timeout Cafe in Fed Square. I shared a monstrous Chicken Parmy with Mona, and amusing myself by being sickeningly nice to the staff. Why not? I was in a good mood and I know for a fact that Hospitality work sucks! I thought I’d make their night better. I was rewarded with a super strong Mojito. Thanks Timeout staff.

We then kicked onto Crown Casino. I was amused by the super expensive retail stores being open at Midnight on a Saturday Night. If only we had trading hours like this in Perth. Although who the fuck is buying a Gucci bag at 11:56pm on a Saturday Night?

Crown is super busy on a Saturday and filled with pretty girls and douchebag dudes with rat-tails and shirts about three sizes too small. I also love that there is about 10 bars and clubs in Crown to having a drink at…that place must print money.

Now, i’m writing this and thinking of my nice pitch black room and lumpy mattress. So I bid thee farewell. More Footy fun tomorrow.

With Fatigue

Gav

Day 6:

After a well deserved sleep-in. I woke up to FREE pancakes, so with much speed I nabbed myself a LARGE pancake and devoured it quickly and with no fuss. Tuned the world out with a stretch of Podcasts and some Free Wi-Fi (Greenhouse wins again!). Then I got message from my Best Mates Wife (who was also in Melbourne this weekend) who was piking out from our lunch. I shrugged that off and decided last minute to head to the MCG for Hawthorn Vs Melbourne. This was the smartest thing I did all day.

A passionate, tight contest with lots of angry, bitter supporters screaming hilarious things at the Umpires and Players was what I got. It’s what I was waiting all weekend for with this Football Expedition to Melbourne. It was a top notch game, which had quite a bit riding on it. Hawthorn won it by 21pts. But they took nearly 4 quarters to shake off a spirited Melbourne team. Worth the trip and exactly what I was looking for from the Melbourne leg of The Award Tour.

Then I rushed (by foot) over to Etihad Stadium through the wind and rain (it was shitty day weather wise today in Melbourne). I turned up during the 2^nd quarter, grabbed some overpriced ‘food’ and sat way up in the 3^rd tier, for a semi-decent game between St.Kilda and North Melbourne which was pretty lacklustre to be blunt and St.Kilda won by 7 goals. These games would have been a near loss without the earlier Hawthorn game I took in, this weekend.

With the shit weather today, walking to Etihad and then the walk home was so cold my scrotum decided to take a trip North for the winter and ended up somewhere near my Kidneys. That $10 Beanie, Gloves and Scarf purchase paid for itself today. Maybe I should have invested in Thermal Undies too. I may need a Armageddon Drill Team to retrieve my Testicles.

Next!

I’m back at the Hostel drinking my last Premix and typing this thinking about tomorrow. I have about 40 hours to kill before I jump on a plane and head back to Perth to resume my semi-miserable life (with my girlfriend and solid core of good friend being the saviour) and with NO footy or ATCQ gigs to head out to…I wonder how to fill the time?

Maybe laying about in the hostel watching DVDs and talking to French chicks is an option? Get drunk?…sounds like a decent idea…but no. Maybe a trip to that Vietnamese Noodle House again (the food was awesome and I loved the fucking appalling service) and a film at Crown before dinner at Courtney’s is the ticket… you’ll find out what I get up soon. Stay Tuned.

With Declining Interest

Gav

The Award Tour: at the MCG

The Award Tour feat Gavin Crossley

Day 4:

Rest and Relaxation… that was the order for the day for today. I got myself a decent sleep-in. Had some FREE breakfast (one of the awesome parts of this hostel). ‘Free’ is one of my favourite words. Along with ‘Sex’, ‘Blowjob’, ‘Porn’ and ‘Money’. Simple mind, simple thoughts.

I did a bunch of exploration by foot today, covered a chunk of the CBD. I’ll do more of this tomorrow along with lunch with an old friend Courtney. I was introduced to the best Burger on the planet (again I’ve forgotten the name of the place)…made some new friends in the process, who I ended up going to the Footy with. We had different seats though, because I wish I knew about $15 tickets through the hostel before I spent $28 on mine two weeks ago (FUCK!). They let me go on a guided tour (euphemism for a couple of beers and a VHS about Footy then a walk together to the MCG) anyway.

I took in the sites, like Fed Square and the Yarra River, purchased some gloves, a beanie and a scarf from a discount store for $10 (BARGAIN!!!). I probably covered 5kms by foot today. If I haven’t lost weight from this week, I’ll be surprised.

Today was a day short of interesting adventure (like dealing crazies and authority figures), only touristy fun and much gawking Melbourne. Sorry kids.

MCG

The main event of today was the Collingwood Vs Essendon clash at the MCG. I’ve never gone to an event at the MCG. I’ve walked around it. Shit, I’ve been outside of it on Grand Final day in 2006 (The day my Sydney Swans lost by 1 point). Never inside the MCG though. It’s a grand stadium, walking to the ground (which you can do from the heart of Melbourne City) surrounded by thousands of supporters to a beacon of sporting history and fun was good fun in itself. I’ve always wanted to go to BIG game at the G.

Tonight was that night. Pity about the result, as Collingwood raped Essendon to the tune of 98 points. It was a complete domination by the Pies and if it wasn’t my first time at the MCG it would have been boring.

Sidenote: I can hear a French Man trying to get an Italian chick (she may be Spanish though) to his room and failing miserably. Amusing, I thought backpackers fucked like rabbits and were up for a rumble on the share room accommodation? Isn’t that the point, travel, drink and fuck! It’s Contiki with no Bogans.

I’ve seen many dudes being shut down this week. Must be the weather…by the way he’s still going. Persistent fucker isn’t he?

Tomorrow is more Football, lunch with an old school friend. Then Geelong Vs Western Bulldogs @ Etihad Stadium.

Further Sidenote: She got up and left…Spanish/Italian girl 1. French guy 0.

I’m going to continue to watch the Train Wreck of people trying to pick up and be drunken. I’m sure this will lead to something funny later on.

With Interest.

Gav

The Award Tour: Hello Melbourne…

The Award Tour feat Gavin Crossley

Day 3:

Welcome to Melbourne. This is coming from a tourist and frequent visitor. Although when I’m not holidaying in this city, BAD things happen to me. So any delusions of living this cosmopolitan hub of fun with shitty weather and LOTS of Footy for me to watch can never happen. EVER!

Melbourne is one of my favourite places in the world, even though anytime (twice) I tried to live here, things go horribly wrong. I take that a sign that this is pretty much like my 2nd ‘Fuck Buddy City” (the other FBC being Sydney). I come over every so often, we have fun, share some experiences and some food and then I go home, no attachments and no commitment.

As I’m tending to keep to myself on this tour, I’m not heading on any wild drinking expeditions with any foreigner this time around. Maybe next time my German and Canadian friends.

So I’ve moved from one of the best nights of life in that ATCQ show. I will rave about it to any who asks though. They’re playing in Melbourne as I type; I hope they get what I got from their last show. Everyone deserves that kind of natural high.

Melbourne ayyyy…

I touched down in Melbourne in blustery, cold weather. I was psyching myself up for a rough landing with lots of turbulence and a bit of scare. Our pilot did incredibly well and touched down smoothly…and I was almost disappointed.

Jumped on the Skybus and headed into the city where one of my best friends Simona was waiting for me. Mona and I have been friends for years, we started as ‘Keypals’ and eventually met when I was studying in Melbourne, the friendship has just grown from there. Her family loves me, especially her mum. She’s everything you picture in a stereotypical Italian Mama, feeds you, shows incredible hospitality and thinks the world of me for some reason. Maria is awesome.

I checked in my new hostel, and headed out for lunch with Mona. We headed a place she knows called “Vietnamese Noodle House”. Creatively titled huh?

What’s hilarious/awesome about this place is the service. It’s fucking horrible! The practically throw the plate at you, they yell at each other in Vietnamese and when you pay they stare you like my Dad killed theirs in battle at Long Tan (for the record my dad never was conscripted/served in Vietnam). I want to go back. I may tomorrow, because the food is amazing, it’s super cheap and I love the novelty of being treated like shit in a restaurant by EVERYONE, it’s an experience.

“Vietnamese Noodle House: Go for the Food, Not the Service.”

We then kicked onto the least patrolled cafe in Melbourne (I can’t remember its name but it was in Federation Square). Mona and I watched 3 couples walk out of the place without paying for the coffee. We could have easily done this ourselves but it was a really good Affogato. So they got my patronage and money. That and I think the waitress who served me had a crush on me. Who wouldn’t…..what?

Then I was treated to Pasta by the Giacominato family for dinner (free dinners and hugs are always a good thing) and then took a train back to the hostel. During that trip I got some phone time in with my dear Renae, as much fun as I’m having I do miss her. She is definitely something worth coming home to. I look forward to seeing her on Wednesday.

Tomorrow will be a day of not doing much apart from sleep, listening to Podcasts and then some shopping for a Beanie and new headphones before heading out to the MCG for Essendon Vs Collingwood. I love the thought of 80,000 rabid Victorians going nuts over their footy. Wish me luck.

With Good Coffee

Gav

The Award Tour: A Tribe Called Quest Day

The Award Tour feat Gavin Crossley

Day 2:

To quote the guy I stood next to the whole night “We’re about to see A Tribe Called fucking Quest…Holy Shit”

Holy Shit Indeed! A Tribe Called Quest. BEST GIG OF MY LIFE!!! I don’t think it’ll ever be topped either. My body is sore, my flesh is weak, i’m truly drained this morning…and it was worth every drop of sweat, every raise of my hands, every scream of joy when and another favourite came bursting through my speakers and every lyrics I rapped and screamed along with Tip and Phife.

I let go all of my inhibitions for this gig. Shit, I even got over excited when they asked any from Perth in here…about 3 people screamed…I was probably the only they heard. They mentioned no other city apart from that…I felt honoured they knew or at least Google what Perth is or that even exists?

For record people in the VIP section aka the front row all looked at me knowing I was ‘Mr.Perth’, because we all spoke and had our Tribe/Hip Hop nerd-fest before the gig started and I had come the longest way to be there (‘much respect’ apparently). Even the Kiwis couldn’t compete with that kind of commitment.

They played pretty much played every one of my favourite songs, from ‘Award Tour’ (see the connection now…huh? huh?) to ‘Excursions’. They had dance moves, their rhymes and wordplay are damn near telepathic, and Q-Tip was a man possessed (he was literally climbing on speaker stacks). He gave his all out there. When ‘Award Tour’ was being played he jumped on the crowd barrier and was mobbed by adoring fans…including this over excited blogger putting my hand out to pat the man on the shoulder, which something I would normally find stupid and gay but fuck it this guys music had kept me sane during my late teens and early twenties, he deserved the pat. Yes I have washed my hand since, so don’t think i’m sniffing my hand and hold it close to chest while I sleep.

I was in Hip Hop heaven at the Hordin Pavilion! It’s truly hard to describe how good this show was. I don’t really have any favourite bands apart from ATCQ. I like tracks, I like artists, but Tribe are no.1 this was the ONLY group/band or performer I would fly to another city to see. This will more than likely be the only time they come to Australia (even though Phife said they will be back). So I had to go, for the sake of my musical soul. It was worth it.

For record I only had two alcoholic drinks for the night, one starter drink with dinner and one before the show. I want to remember EVERY detail of the show. I was also good to be around Hip Hop purists again. Most of the folks I hung around with when I was still heavily involved in Oz Hip Hop the folks involved in that scene are pretty scummy; they’re basically for the most part either herby soft Uni kids (Herbs) or Bogans with a hoodie. To be around an educated, sane, normal Hip-Hop crowd was great. Also it was good to have women in the venue too. No one likes a sausage fest. This is another reason why I don’t bother with Oz Hip Hop anymore, too many dicks on the dancefloor.

The show was 90 minutes of bliss for me and I was spent afterwards when I left to grab my jacket, bag and the merchandise I purchased (2 shirts and a hat). Called Renae all buzzed and ecstatic about what had just transpired (I had to share it with someone). I hadn’t that much innocent fun and felt that good after it since the 2005 Sydney Swans Premiership win. A truly amazing show and one I won’t forget. Thank You A Tribe Called Quest, I knew you won’t let me down.

With Joy

Gav

P.S If you’re wondering about the rest of the day’s event, they were as follows…A trip to the markets where I purchased cheap sunnies and boardies, had a swim in the hostel pool and chilled in the sauna. Then had a nap before the show…not exactly a worth writing about compared to that ATCQ show.

The Award Tour…Game on!

The Award Tour feat Gavin Crossley

Day 1:

Hellooooo nurse! It’s your favourite petty, angry asshole blogger here. In a much nicer and happier place from when we last communicated. I’ve fallen in love with a beautiful woman and unlike when I’ve got gooey about some girly, this is totally reciprocal. Why the fuck is this important? Because I’ll bring Renae up quite a bit during this 7 day blog so you may as well know about her before I begin. That and this blog will more than likely be MUCH nicer than usual.

Secondly this is unlike any other tour I’ve embarked on so far. The major difference…NO car. This is not a road trip. It’s more of a holiday than an adventure. From someone who works 6 days a week performing 4 separate jobs in 2 locations, I tell you I needed this holiday, badly!

Now to the trip itself… This trip much simpler than anything else I’ve taken on. It’s just 2 cities and 7 days. Unlike my 14 towns, 2 cities and a fuckload of drinking and trying to fuck anything that moves kind of tours. This is more about “chillin” and A Tribe Called Quest.

You on point Tip? All The Phife.

A Tribe Called Quest coming to Australia (my all time favourite group) was THE deciding factor in my decision to come to Sydney this time around. I certainly didn’t come here for the weather.

If you don’t know ‘The Tribe” are, look them up on Wikipedia and YouTube. I’ve been a fan of this Hip Hop crew since I was 14 years old and I heard the track “Find A Way”, I bought the ‘best of’ after I found out about them breaking up about a year before I got into them.

When I heard they were coming to Australia (a day I thought I’d never see), I had a near fit and decided this is when my holidays are going to be and centred around this concert, which is actually TODAY (11/08/10). I won’t be excited until the lights dim and Q-Tip, Phife and Muhammad jump onto the stage. Apparently it’ll be a show spanning their entire career so i’ll be pretty stoked this time tomorrow i’m sure.

For the record: Today is Day 2 of the “Award Tour”.

What of the next 5 days after that? That when this gets more bogan and blokey as I jump on a plane tomorrow and head to Melbourne for a weekend AFL Football and catching up with some old friends for a drink and a laugh. Once again in a relaxed manner, tonight will be the most I party this trip….hold up.

Flashback to the old Gav now…this chick in the booth next to me just piped with her Skype conversation.

“Heyyy you you doin’”.

Great, I’m up at 7am listening to some inane conversation next to me while I type. Actually this day has started in an annoying way. I was woken by the hypo Chinese guy in my room packing for the day at 6:30am EST. This guy was LOUD. Some fuckers have no sense of occasion.

Then as I’m nearly asleep again…the Old Italian guy opens the fucking curtains! I almost said ‘Hey fucker! Close them cunts!” Then I release he was NAKED!!!! So I just turned towards the wall, and tried to shake the image. Who the fuck sleeps naked in a room full of men? Creepy much? At least wear some boxers or something!!!

So a great fucking start with my crazy motivated Chinese mate and Naked Italian guy kind of forced my hand (probably the wrong term to use after talking about Naked Italian man) and I headed to the lounge area of this AMAZING hostel in Sydney to write this blog. I hope they both move on today. Actually I don’t. I need to get up around 8am tomorrow to be ready for my plane to Melbourne (so these two fuckwits are a great alarm clock minus the nudity)….I’ll sleep later I guess.

The inter-woven Love plot:

I wish Renae was here. First of all we would have got a double room together and this Nude and Chinese guy thing would have never happened and I may be still asleep. Glad I got a decent bed time last night.

I’m not pining for her or anything overly pathetic because it’s only been a day and I’ve been pretty busy with the flying and drinks with an old friend (she met me pretty much straight off the Airport Transfer Train) this first time I’ve really sat down on my own.

I told her I loved her for the first time yesterday, she said it back and we’re both super-cautious with our feelings so she meant it as much as I did. This thought will keep me warm at night the whole trip that she’s not only thinking of me but she actually cares. I’m not used to that.

I’ll call her after the show tonight with all that positive energy beaming off me from that A Tribe Called Quest show.

The plan for Day 2:

Today I will go for a quick walk around the city after peak hour and breakfast ($4 Pancakes downstairs…yum yum!). Then find some cheap boardies and use the pool and sauna here. Yes, a pool and sauna in a YHA…crazy huh?

Have a ‘Man Nap” get up, shower and then head to the show which starts at 6:30am for those who’ve forked out for the VIP tickets. Tonight should be fucking awesome so I’ll tell that story tomorrow until then I need to scrub my nuts and get me some Pancakes.

Much Love

Gav

Brain Splatter brought to you by Jessica Watson…seems everything is has her mug on it at the moment….

One thing I can say about this blog is that it’s not as insane and offensive I think it is…I’m not talking about skull-fucking Miley Cyrus in grand detail…so I guess it’s okay…

Hey baby...

Enough with Jessica Watson already…can’t you make your millions quietly, Jess?

I have a title for a nerdy teen sex comedy ‘Sex: The Final Frontier’…

Facebook fuelled murders…wow, someone took being deleted a little too seriously.

You know what’s good… a warm blanket and a Milo.

You know what else is good…an ex-gymnast who can deep-throat.

Yeeahhhh

Scary Bogan moment: Screaming at the TV before the bounce of the game…COM’ON DOCKERS!!! Errr Bruce McAveny is still on the pitch talking to Mark Harvey…shut up.

You know why I listen to so many Podcasts…because I know 80% of the people I speak to daily and have got nothing interesting to say.

The Biggest Loser should be a reality show about guys who sit in their Mum’s house writing blogs….well I don’t with my mum so I don’t qualify….fuck you!

Whatever happened to 5ive…I hope they have Erectile Dysfunction problems and Herpes, wherever they are now. Same goes for the ‘VengaBus’ assholes.

Good Riddence, Innit

Underrated superpower: Giving a woman an orgasm with telekinesis…don’t tell me that wouldn’t help you pick up easier.

Why is that Indie kids dress like they’re in a John Hughes film…Molly Ringwald is not coming for you. So dress normal dickface!

Tisk Tisk, girls

You can tell I don’t have a girlfriend.

The world has gone mad…The Dockers and Mark Webber are winning stuff…is that the Four Horsemen I see on the horizon?

What the fuck is going on here?

Destroy, my friend…De-fuckin-stroy!

You know who should host the Logies next year…Wil Anderson…and then he can tweet about how shit he was on stage…com’on Wil do it for Adam Spencer.

These are the thoughts that have saved me from domestic bliss…

Scary thought…my high school reunion is next year…May I just say, for the record i’m NOT ATTENDING ASSHOLES! I’d rather attempt to rape a rabid pit bull then see the folks from Padbury High School again. Thank You.

You know you’re starting to be an adult when you don’t know what the cool TV show to watch is…is it Glee? If it is…I’m glad I don’t know…but when I was in those formative years it was ‘Dawson’s Creek’…Note: I’ve still never seen that show.

Hey Hey It’s Saturday is a truly sad case.

If he still dressed like this on the show...I would watch

Congratulations to England for winning the T20 World Cup….finally you win a game you INVENTED!

Huh?

I shudder to think what music is going to popular in 20 years…wow, how old am I? 46? I already listen to talk radio more than FM radio…concerning.

This ‘Bieber Fever’ thing isn’t new…Hanson drew the same reaction from 10 year old girls in 1997…I’m sure someone like Rick Astley did it for the ‘tweeners’ in 80s…the cycle of commercial factory copies continues.

Die!

I heard Robert Pattison (who plays Edward in the Twilight movies) is rumoured to play Kurt Cobain…I would go to see this, if we get to see Robert blow for real his head off with Cobain’s style. That I would watch.

On that note…Stephanie Meyer you have a lot to answer for.

My definition of Pop culture is playing with Bubble Wrap and Finger Paint…

I’m a motor boating son-of-a-bitch. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b!

Any excuse to put up Jennifer Love Hewitt...

I don’t get guys who go to Strip joints…the girls dance, they tease, they take your petty cash and they leave…what’s the appeal this? You can get married to have a woman steal your hard earned and you get the occasional sex act too…think about it.

In similar vein: If you want to ‘watch’ I have two words for you…Internet Porn. May I suggest youjizz.com?

Tony Abbot seems like he’s a little uptight…someone get the man a blowjob.

Breathe!

Infomercials are a sure sign that humans are going to way with society.

Does Jeep need a clothing brand? Really?

For those wondering about this…I gave an excellent neckrub…I’m also the best ‘cuddle’ you know.

Taxi Drivers: Your driving is questionable at the best of times; you shouldn’t be texting while driving with me in the back after a long night. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD FUCKSTICK!

Henry Rollins said that “Cynicism is Intellectual Cowardice”. I must be a Mega-Pussy then.

I’m not bitter…I’m…acerbic.

Why is it when I think of positive thinking…I think of the phrase ‘Motivation Speaking, Money Laundering, Scam Artist Cocksucker’. Why I think this…I don’t know.

Why are we so mean to sluts? Sluts provide a fantastic service the public…and the occasional STD. Leave the sluts alone…bitch.

Hi girls.

Who thought of the cumshot? Imagine asking your partner way back whenever…”Hey wench, i’m about to ejaculate. Can spray this semen in your face?” This was definitely a Man’s idea…and god bless that son-of-a-bitch! Come (Pun intended) to think of it…I would bet the Romans thought of this.

I think it’s pretty fucking amazing that have a dialect of English totally dedicated to hiding truth…ask a lawyer or a PR person about it one day.

It’s really weird watching The Care Bears movie now…not that i’ve watched it at all. Holding my Grumpy Bear and singing along. Ummm, Fuck Toy Story!

Nawww

It’s been a long time since anyone has made a genuinely sweet kids movie. I blame Lion King.

For those 15 year old, Acne ridden Nerdy Virgins out there…I remember your pain. Although, I never had Acne.

10 Things the world doesn’t need anymore of:

Reality TV shows…MTV does enough damage for everyone.

Lawyers

Lycra-clad Cyclists

McDonalds stores

Twilight Merchandise

‘Jet’ Albums

Girls with Lady Gaga hair

Fake Tan distribution

Karaoke Bars

Awards Ceremonies…I’ve got a Nationally recognised award to my name for fuck sake!

Until next time….go forth and provide an orgasm.

Regards

Gav

Brain Splatter brought to you by stuff and things…

Anyone who asks for anything “Gluten Free” for should think about where their life is going. Gluten Free food is a con, and anyone who is Lactose Intolerant needs to harden up….and sit on the toilet.

Channel 7…it’s sinful that you put on the Iron Man competition (when was that relevant?) and then a shit movie…when everywhere else that loves footy is watching Collingwood Vs Western Bulldogs or something…disgusting…for how much you payed for the AFL…show me two games on a Sunday, thank you.

In a week where Perth had the ‘worst storm in 50 years’ (which lasted all of 25 minutes for the record), America gets some health care reform and the footy returns to my life…here’s my one question…’where the bitches at?

Bllllllat!

I wonder where I’d be if I didn’t have Podcasts?…probably in a ditch with a bottle of Jim Beam Black.

I love walking through market areas; I wonder where the fuck do they find this crazy shit? Who manufactures these little plastic knick nacks, rather authentic looking automatic weapon toys and the weird cheap stuffed toys? Who makes that sitting whale/pan pipe music you hear at some of these new age stands with smelly oils and homemade shit you don’t want nor need?…and who buys enough of this shit that it needs to be made in the first place?

Example A...

Everything is for sale…including me…how much are willing to pay for me…seriously?

I know the phrase “no one likes a sad-sack”, what does a happy sack look like? Maybe sacks are just genuinely unhappy with being a sack…what comes in a sack really? Balls, dirty vagrant clothing and potatoes. I reckon being a sack would suck…but that’s just me.

My god I wish I was still on the Gold Coast, with a drink in my hand and a woman in the other…end of fucking story.

You know what I hate about Easter…actually Easter doesn’t bother me much…moving on.

I think we should the throw book at Catholic Priests would fondle young boys…like that Big fuck-off bible they read from…and throw it from top of the Church onto their heads….if God isn’t smiting these cunts, then we should.

I like the idea of becoming a recluse.

Minus the cigarette and look like James Deans...this works for me.

I hate commercial for Old People Villages…Imagine that…fun and socialising (Bridge games and gossip)…coupled with Arthritis and Death. God please, let me die young.

Cyclists are back on the agenda of people who need to lined up and shot in the genitals. Especially these cocksucker bicycle couriers, who think the middle of the road is where they belong…you don’t belong there fucktard! You’re the cause of traffic jams, the scum of my driving life and need to be eliminated from the gene pool immediately.

How hard is it to get a Taxi from a Rank 350 metres down the road the front of hotel?…I don’t get these Taxi operators and the drivers who take a job to pick up someone from a hotel front when they’re a good 12 minutes away from the front of the hotel…when the guys in the rank 350 metres down the fucking road are talking about the last fare they raped.

Taxis are one of the biggest cases of daylight robbery in the economy. Having some illiterate, potting mouthed, halfwit with a breathing disorder and breath that would kill a dog, drive me to the middle of nowhere to try and put me in a shallow grave is not a service…its theft and possibly murder and rape…in that order.

Stern Hu gets no sympathy from me…you fuck around in someone else’s country and break their laws…you deal with their punishments…the same goes for the Bali 9 and Shappelle Corby.

Someone tell me why Formula 1 gets TV coverage?

Best part about doing a radio show on Community Radio…most of the time you have no boss. Play your ‘Sponsorship Announcements’ and behave on the mic and you’re mostly left the fuck alone to play good tunes…why would I ever go back to commercial radio?

Watching Cricket outside of summer seems un-natural. Take IPL for instance…it’s a competition with NO soul…fuck watching that shit! Australia playing any other Test series from the Ashes overseas…snore! Or anything else outside of the Channel 9 stuff, during the summer…cricket is an after-thought at best from March to November.

Even this chick looks bored...

I’m thinking of re-writing ‘Waiting for Godot’ in Modern Slang for film…basically for those who have never heard of the play. It’s two dudes sitting on the side of the road talking shit for over an hour…there’s a cameo from another guy midway through ‘the plot’ (could be some cool celeb from whatever). Don’t tell me this wouldn’t go over well with the Indie kids. Just mention The Smiths or Bob Dylan or something at some point.

As for the hat emptying of the boot or the other guy checking his shoe every so often, one guy can check for his Mobile Phone for coverage and never find it and the other guy will start listening to his Ipod selfishly, while the guy with the shit phone coverage will get mad. I think this the best idea for a while…I’ll watch this over ‘The Bounty Hunter’ or some shit Rom-Com anyday.

If we’re having so many re-makes happening at the moment…I think a new ‘Empire Records’ needs to be made. The new plots revolves around the death of CD stores to Itunes…but this time the store actually goes out of business. Maybe Warren can actually shoot someone this time too.

Post-Modernism is rampant in Dance Music right now…when people are covering ‘Your Woman’ by White Town from 1997 in 2010 with Wiley rapping on it to make it sound somewhat different is when we are totally without ideas…sad.

Regards and Anger

Gav

Brain Splatter…brought to you by DVT

I remember the reason I don’t fly Virgin…I should say reasons. Tiny seats, much more cantankerous passengers, you pay for food…the fact they charge you for a TV dinner is actually insulting. Furthermore, if you’re not a member of the ‘Velocity’ Club they try to charge you 35 bucks to use their lounge…utterly atrocious. There better be a blowjob waiting for once I get in that door. 35 bucks…fucking hell!

Because i’ve been on holidays all my thoughts have been on Pussy and Alcohol. I don’t apologise for this.

This flight needs one thing….TURBULANCE!

I think they’re should be a totally separate airline for people carrying children. Not everyone wants to hear they’re babble, crying and puking. We’ll call this Airline…Fresh Air for young singles. Don’t tell this wouldn’t work…because it would!

Congratulations to those who made Hurt Locker, common sense prevailed and Avatar didn’t win everything…Avatar is visually stunning and took movies in an exciting new direction but it wasn’t the best film of the year. Christopher Waltz was a LOCK for the Best Supporting Actor in Inglorious Basterds it’s the best acting performance I’ve ever seen in years…Tarantino now has an Oscar attached to a movie…scary.

Mr.Waltz as The Jew Hunter...a polite monster...speaks 4 languages...what a performance!

I don’t think i’ll be flying again this year…unless someone hands out some hard drugs.

Kalgoorlie is not that far from being underneath us on this plane…my kingdom for a nuclear payload.

By the time you’re finished reading this sentence you may have realise this thought never really occurred and you just read a complete waste of words.

I remember why I didn’t go to Oz Hip Hop shows anymore…Sausagefest! Fuck the music, where are the women at? This logic doesn’t apply to be dragged along to a Lady Gaga show…no straight male would go to a Gaga show voluntarily.

Must...not...kill!

I’m sick of the pre-season…start the fucking Footy already!

I don’t trust GPS units.

EEEEEEEEEEEVVVVILLLLLLLL!

I really don’t want vote in this upcoming for anyone…Christ…Rudd or Abbott…it’s like watching the retarded kids fight at school…actually that would be infinitely more entertaining!

I know it’s common knowledge but when I can of coke is cheaper than water, we’re fucked as a culture.

I saw a poster for a move called Kick-Ass…which featured some guy looking a Power Ranger…what the fuck is this about? Check the video….fuck yes!

I’m not an elitist but I do think you’re below me. Scum.

You know I miss in movies…Heather Graham. Yum Yum!

De-fucking-stroy!

I’ve thought more during the space of the writing of this Splatter than average Bogan does in a week. FACT!

These blogs are such a waste of your time but they keep me from taking control of the plane though.

What is the scarier weirdo guy…the guy who can kind of/almost carry a normal conversation but you get that sexual predator vibe from or the guy who says weird shit and try to hit on anything with heartbeat and never even gets close. Who’s going to commit sexual assault first? Or randomly stab someone in a club? What do we do with these people? How they come about in first place…i blame the parents. Wow…I need a drink!

Charm gets you nowhere. Trust me I know.

Imagine me with LOTS of money….scary thought huh?

I love hearing Country Commercial Radio’s ‘Hamish and Andy” copies…it’s truly Pathetic. ‘Buddy and Charlie’ driving you home and pretty doing everything Hamish & Andy do… but poorly.

Speaking of radio: Dools on Nova…Triple J fans rejoice! Robbie Buck on ABC NSW talking to the oldies…now for Richard Kingsmill to move on…the only way THAT guy is leaving JJJ is in a box. That’s probably the same with Rosie…and I don’t blame them for that. Definitely one of those unfulfilled fantasies…*cuts wrists vertically*

Adelaide’s BIG attraction…”We’ve got Pandas”. Pandas and Wine in Adelaide…wow. I’m falling over myself to go to Adelaide. That’s like Perth saying we have Black Swans and the Freo Dockers…actually those ARE Perth’s attractions…

YOU ARE INSANE FOR READING THIS!

If I wasn’t Australian i’d want to be Canadian. I love those crazy Canucks.

SLAP THE GOON!

SLAP THAT SHIT!

I finally went to Nimbin and found myself feeling dirty. Does this mean i’m right wing?

I wonder would Bill Hicks would say about the world circa 2010.

The man.

Best part about my holiday. I reckon I spoke to about 100 people all week…that’s about 1900 less than normal. Fuck, it was beautiful to have space.

Every time I fly, I think of Fight Club. Tyler Durden would be a great “Single Serving Buddy”.

We are all singing, all dancing, crap of the world...

I wonder how many case of Flight Rage have been on Virgin Flights. I feel like strangling the family in the row in front of me. Trust me; I’d be doing the world a favour.

I’ll end this Splatter with *shoots himself in head*…well that would splatter anyone’s brain…*dead*

With Love and concerning amount of suicide jokes

Gav

Gav’s Belated Winter Olympics Review…

Ok,

Winter Olympics, we’re about a week in. Here are some thoughts.

Figure skating: I understand the athleticism, balance, skill and
precision involved in this activity, but this is not a sport. Prancing
on ice is not sport, it’s really fancy prancing with ice skates on.
The pairs stuff is best described by Mick Molloy…”beautiful women
being thrown around by gay men”.

Luge: best way to describe this activity. Sitting on plastic plate
with knives on the bottom of it and fly balls-first down the ice chute
at 150kms per hour. This is a sport just due to sheer guts and clear
lack of self-preservation needed to compete in this event. Man shit!
Even from the women who compete in this INSANE sport.

Skeleton: see above paragraph then go head first down the track. This
is just fucking nuts. A sure way to die…and think about it was a
Luge athlete who died in this event a week ago. Think about the
apeshit mentalcases who do skeleton!

Snowboard anything: a bunch of duuuudes going downhill fast and
getting sick air. Super cool spectator sport. Another way to die and
the half pipe is a clue into what mind set is needed to be a
snowboarder.

Whoaaaaaa!

Curling; hahahahahaha in all seriousness. Wow, who thought this up.
I’m picturing a group of drunk Nordic blokes thinking of shit to keep
them sane during the long cold winter. These guys are in an ice rink
after an ice hockey game and have a broom lying around, a large rock
and lots of Spare time. A few hours later of hysterical laughter and more beer,
curling was born.

Ok...the women are decent too..

Womens downhill: why just womens downhill? Because this had attrition
rate of war proportions. Every second skier was going down and hard. I
was watching this in a group at work. The noise of
“oooOOOooooooooooooo” was echoing through the building as people went
down. Cut throat sport. Compelling viewing.

Bobsleigh: well the highlight was the Australian two-man bob sliding
the whole way down….UPSIDEDOWN! This would have been harrowing the
right way up sliding down an ice chute at 100km an hour is not my idea
of a good time.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Other notes:

Ice hockey is a man’s game. Why is this not big in Australia?

Torah Bright…de fuckin stroy!

YeeeAAAAHHHHH!

Eddie McGuire should be kept very far away from the next Winter Games.

I love the Ice Hockey Gold Medal. Watching the USA lose in a
heartbreaking fashion. 3 to 2 in Overtime!!!

Bring on these Games in 2016…in Russia. Nuclear powered, oil tycoon
filled action. Chechen rebels should stay the fuck away.

Until the next time. With golden snow angels…

Gav