Brain Splatter…now with misfiring pulses.

Braaaaaiiiiiin Splatter….

I love negative reactions to my blogs, it makes me happy. Why? I’ve done my job if I’ve divided people and caused discussion. ’Normal people’ were upset about my words about ‘normal people’. Yes, there was some malice behind my words…but I think people need to realise…I’m joking about most things I write on the blog.

Think of me holding my tongue really hard against my cheek while I’m writing my stupid little blogs and you’ve got how I write (apart from semi-illiterate). A special shout out to own my brother pointing my worse character flaws (my previous inability to keep a job, I quit them 90% of the time) and putting out the rant of the year. The best flaming of the year, so far.

You know annoys me the most about TV. That regardless of how stupid most shows are, I still watch TV. I watch three to four shows a week (including the Football). They are Top Gear (or the much inferior Top Gear: Australia) and whatever’s on during lunch at work on the TV in ‘the mess’ (normally Dr.Phil or Ellen…Ellen being much superior show…scary huh??) and the footy and footy-related shows before the game (Sunday Footy Show and the like).

Until Dexter: Season 4 comes onto my TV (and I’ll probably rip a torrent well before then), I’m not watching ANY TV series…even TruBlood got boring after 2 episodes. Maybe I have a really short attention span…or I am right and TV is fucking awful right now.

I’ve re-affirmed that I dislike children, regardless of how cute they are on the odd occasion…and how for some reason I can’t be an arsehole to a little girl asking me questions (happened at work earlier in the week for 3rd week consecutive), I can’t understand because she can’t speak properly yet. Yet for some reason children can just swing by my defences and corner me into a conversation. No one else can do that. Not even hot women can pull that off when I don’t want talk to anyone (normally this before 8am)…sad. That being said I KNOW I would be a terrible dad (it’s in the family genes). On the other hand I think my best friend is going to make a really good dad. Good luck, Benny.

The more I write, the more I think…’18 months to go’. Then “The Triffids will make me do it”.

Jennifer love Hewitt has had a long career…wasn’t she in Party of Five?…that’s like 15 years of looking AMAZING in shit movies and TV shows…

Yummy

For a second I thought there was a new Care Bears Movie made or on the way (from someone facebook status…not the most reliable source). I got really angry…I was about to start a riot…they’ve raped GI Joe (god damn that movie looks hideous) already and Transformers (Shia LaDouche sucks, period!)…fuck this shit…leave the 80’s alone.

Why?

I want to marry Jane Gazzo. There I said it.

Yummy

What’s with this style of the kids these days (only teen boys) with a big messy mop of hair (possibly a faggoty rats-tail at the back) and then putting a hat on their empty heads, barely covering the unkempt, unwashed mop. You know the ones you see walking around your shopping centres, doing scratchies’ on bus and train windows. They all look the same too, same shoes (Nike), same hat (Nike again), same shorts or trackies. I think guys, the hair and the hat barely fitting on your head looks fucking ridiculous. Get a haircut or get a hat that fits your ill-formed heads.

I shouldn’t write hungover…but it’s fun.

Sex in the City: the worst wildly successful TV show of this decade. Hands down! Whinging rich women, who fuck heaps and only one of them is actually attractive! No…It’s not Sarah Jessica Parker, or that ranga or the old one who always got her tits out…that’s definitely in the ‘That Shit Ain’t Right’ file.

Why?

This is for anyone who works on their feet…does anyone know of a good inner-sole for my work shoes…I have to wear business shoes…but their not built for standing on marble floor for 8 hours a day. My feet are KILLING me! I want an answer, please.

When are they going to have moratorium in those SMS ads on TV. Someone needs to stop this shit.

God bless ‘One HD’…The NBA Playoffs is the perfect hangover cure.

This is for anyone who watches the NBA…LeBron James has NO help…Orlando wins the series…Lakers to win the championship now…in a sweep!

I love the fact, I was talking to a friend of mine who is also a bouncer and she demonstrating moves on me. It’s amazing how you make someone cry like a bitch, buy grabbing their pinkie, the skin under the neck (that shit really hurt and she was doing softly) or of course by the balls, she didn’t demonstrate that one…thank god!

If you liked my blog about the NBL, read this from Matt Haywood (one of my readers) this makes my rant-filled little blog piece piss.

Go to : http://3degree.ecu.edu.au/articles/2578

This is my dream car…I got to drive one recently…I didn’t stop smiling for about an hour afterwards.

The Crysler Hemi 300...GANGSTA!

Can some give me a definitive list of what is GANGSTA. I know gunnin’ down a rival drug dealin’ cracka (me being white this my equilvant to the N bomb) is GANGSTA. But what else is GANGSTA (apart from the above car). Eating Ice Cream could GANGSTA for all I know….which would make me a Ninja-level-Gangsta-ass-mutha-fuckin-whiteboy-cracka-ass-cracka! Fuck, I love Hip-Hop speak.

Regina Spektor is hot in a Russian classic pianist kinda way. I’d go her.

Yummy

Final Thought: Take Care Yourself….and that’s all

With Love

Gav

Club Debauchery…

I’d rather speak to freaks…

There I said it. Normal people suck! They don’t like me either. They find me a little odd, unpredictable, self-centred, and mildly unpleasant.

I find them completely unpleasant, lacking in interesting traits, plain, dull, expendable, and only useful for making shit run like electricity, water and etc. You people are good for your roles, but if I could I would leave society. I want no part, I don’t get people who like to work for a living. I’m not afraid of work. But If I were to win to lotto, I’d quit work and society INSTANTLY.

To quote Project Mayhem’s ‘Boom Town Rocks’: I’d don’t care. I don’t care; fuck you I’ll never be a slave again.

I can’t stand businessmen, brown-nosing career types and people who take what they do entirely too seriously.

At least with freaks, religious scum, vagrants and fucked up teens, i’m going to get some fucking entertainment.

You normal folk (I doubt i’m speaking to anyone reading this :P) are uninspired, lacking in style and complete boring. Useless to someone like me who needs to be entertained. I find working, taking a train, breathing the same air with normal people tedious…

Normal Person: Work isn’t a place for fun how would we survive as a business, if all we did was observe dumb shit and blog about it….get back to work and stop trying to hit on the average looking girl from Miss Maud.

Now we could be logical and agree with the above statement. It’s a good argument. But I’m not here for rational thought.

So I want be in a place full of colourful people, interesting conversation.

My own club-like venue….

I’d even invite the signing Christian evangelists to speak and debate with atheists, I’d put left-ling RTR listeners (you know indie cocksuckers with the white shoes, 80’s sunnies, skinny jeans and shit hair) against Young Liberals (equally shit), Indigenous Leaders against the police etc, etc. Then let them go at it, in a battle of wits. They can pick the topics…I’ll be the moderator. In a kings throne with two women at my feet (Jabba the Hutt style gangsta). I got show em’ who’s boss.

If need be we’d get an Octagon built and people who can’t settle their shit with words and settle them in the Octagon no holds barred, bare knuckled and to the death!….maybe not to the death. No dying in my establishment.

Fuck it; let’s get a night going (Saturday Smash!) for people settling their shit at haven for all things fucked up. They’d sign a waiver, jump in the cage and beat the fucking shit out of each other then shake hands after. I know Tyler Durden came up with this concept first but I’m not trying to start a revolution. I just want to see some entertainment.

Now you say…that’s barbaric, wrong and should be put away for thinking like that….

I say…FUCK YOU, STEP IN THE CAGE!!! *tears shirt off and flexs*

Another night would solely dedicate, talking about sex openly…Sexy Time every Wednesday Night. All you sex addicts and deviants (no pedos!) come on down and sit among your fellow fiends and talk about whatever the fuck, you fuck. Feel cum-fortable and take home a fellow freak for some freakiness…ENTERTAINMENT!

3 rules:

No masturbating in the venue (or anywhere near it)

No fucking in venue (go home fuckers!)

No rapists, ‘animal enthusiasts’ and pedos (you’ll put in the cage with the winner of the previous edition Saturday Smash!)

I think that would be entertaining. Scary but entertaining.

What would I call such a venue for such depravity?

The Bill Hicks home from the wicked

The George Carlin venue for the warped and demented

Disturb’d.

The Loony Bin

Anarachy

Excuse me officer is the brothel down the road?

Normal people suck, don’t come in here…seriously

Club Debauchery

I like the last one, says it all. So I’ll let you know when I get this place started and you the reader and can come on down and get in for free to the night of your choice.

Love future owner of Club Debauchery Country Club and Sporting Venue.

Gav

Brain Splatter…Warning: it doesn’t come out of your clothes.

Brain splatter time…here we go…

Rain, rain, rain…stick around….just stop people being complete dicks and this wind could go away too. Seriously, when the first rains of the year come people go loopy.

I’ll state the obvious…hangovers suck the Donkey Wonky!

God bless cockteasers. They dance, they grind, they flirt, and they shove their tongue down your throat and then leave with a drink. Meh, I had fun.

Pheromones…amazing stuff. Get a little female on you…and the other females go fucking nuts! I wish I learned this year ago.

Flaming people and things on this blog is an interesting exercise, getting flamed also interesting (I copped and absolute ripper about 3 weeks ago from an anonymous contributor…it was a fine effort). Standing up for a friend when they’re getting flamed is even weirder.

They’ve put their thoughts out there for the world to read just like I do, you’d think I’d have no sense of friendship (you’re on own…you know I am)…but I stood up for a friend (who also is my more loyal readers), when she mentioned they’re issues with Telstra. I agreed that Telstra are cocksuckers, but because that have a monopoly over the phone lines and phone towers, on anyone else you get shitty service (ask this 3 customer).

But he came at this friend of mine with a Telstra employee point of view (outing himself in the process). I believe there is no such thing as loyalty to your work place, if someone offers me more money, benefits and a decent work environment; I’m off to work for the better offer. I like money, it likes me. Don’t tell you wouldn’t do the same.

This loyal employee attacked my friend; I responded and attacked his company and his company line stance. He attacked back using one of my own comments against me but blowing that one and told me to keep flipping burgers. I told him to ‘go postal’ and then kill himself (no response or workplace massacre on the news yet). Did I go too far? I think so…but do I care. No.

I have a way of pissing random people off lately. I’ve made an enemy…an actual real-life enemy (you gotta have one). A parking inspector, who so into their job it’s not funny, it’s a shame that this person will never aspire to anything greater than a parking inspector (I thought working as car detailer a few years back was a failure in life). So wish me luck with my battle against my new enemy and pray this fucker isn’t around when I park in the city.

I loved peoples’ response to the Christians story from Thursday, the stuff my friends said to me about that story was hilarious…the points they found amusing…I stayed in the conversation for 90 minutes and the line about me talking about God’s junk (if that’s funniest thing I write or say all year, I have some work to do).

I hope people didn’t miss the point of that blog, that as much I completely prejudiced against preaching religious folk of ALL religions (those who quietly practice don’t bother me..do what you like), I wanted to hear what they had to say in a debate, I was never going to agree with them but I put myself out there and listened to their nonsense. I think everyone should do this, go start a conversation with someone from a group you don’t like (not an arguement, a debate-like conversation at worst) and see what you get out of them. Note: Don’t go in all guns blazing. Pace your debate and LISTEN!

I love this quote from a random person a spoke to recently “I find you intriguing”, Euphemism for ‘your fucking nutter’.

LeBron James is a beast! I didn’t think we’d see someone close Michael Jordan’s abilities again, let alone so soon. I’m in love with basketball again.

'That's a mans jam!" Best commentary quote ever after a dunk in traffic.

What I wouldn’t do for more money. I haven’t got an financial issues, I just want more money. Fuck the recession, a man’s gotta paid in full (thanks Rakim).

Also an awesome old school Hip-Hop album...

Scariest moment of the week: Getting recognised at my local but some kids 7 years my junior that listened to my old Hip-Hop radio show ‘BRL’. When the show was flying (2002-2004) these guys would have 12-13. What the fuck were they doing listening to me on Friday Night after 10pm. GO TO BED KIDS!

I hope when I die, people don’t remember me for that show, I loved doing it, but I’m much more than the host of some remotely popular community radio show in the early part of this decade…or much worse the guy who wrote this blog…or even worse the guy who failed (quit and was fired) in 2 attempts at commercial radio. I’ve amounted to nothing if that’s all I’m remembered for.

BRL, son.

Note: I would host this show again, given the right opportunity or a bigger station to broadcast it on. Most importantly; complete creative control. Maybe I should do JJJ’s Hip-Hop show?

More later…

Gav

Gav and the Christians…

Wow, the dumb shit I get myself into….

Today I finished work and was walking around town, killing time. I hear some Bogan bitch screaming, swearing and hurling abuse at someone… so I thought I’d have a look what’s going on. Hey, I like watching people argue, or junkies punch on…it’s free entertainment.

To my joy! My regular favourite event in Perth is currently playing itself out. Christians preaching LOUDLY to anyone within earshot about God and he how saved them from suicide and smoking and whatever else they were on about.

I love watching these guys…then it started to irk me. This was a change of mood, which took all of 3 seconds. I was about to start yelling at the preacher (I’ve done this before), then some woman introduced herself to me. I thought…who the fuck is this and what the fuck do you want?

I said hi, what do you think of this preaching shit, there should be an 11^th commandment ‘Keep thy religion to thy self”?

She said, he’s telling people how God came into his heart…what’s wrong with him doing that?

DING! DING! DING!

Whoops I’m talking to planted member of this group in the audience…so I think…let’s ask this woman why she is a member of this group.

This conversation ended up going for 90 minutes.

I told her my views of religion and god. Basically that I think religion is the root of all evil in the world and God doesn’t exist. She told me about finding god….this went on about 30 something minutes (I didn’t get much of a word in). It was interesting to me to see why this woman was so convinced that there is an invisible man in the sky watching over us and trying to save us all.

I told her, look at Iraq or Sudan and tell me there is a god.

She responded with a 5 minute spiel about free will and how humans are sinners.

I also asked her about what made fall in love God. She couldn’t give me a definitive answer…or a timeline when it happened. If you’re love with anyone or thing…you remember the specific moment that this feeling entered your brain.

This is when two of her mates (and Indonesia guy and another woman) came over and joined the conversation; they introduced themselves and told me more about God.

After a bit of back and forth, I could tell this view of mine upset them a bit, one girl looked almost teary. Then one of these newcomers to the conversation asked if she could prey for me… I laughed out loud. I said, go ahead. Like praying for is going to help…  She then prayed for me out loud in front of me in the street.

She said that, she could feel god smiling down on me. I could have died at the point from shock. She just prayed for me in the street and asking God to show himself to me (I then joked he better not show me his junk). Wow…I was shock and awe…wow.

She left after that…probably feeling better about herself. I eventually had killed enough time to move on to my next appointment and I said have a goodbye and I walked away feeling like I had learned a shitload more on how these people tick, but I’m also more confused than ever on why these folk are into God.

This crew were also so quick to denounce such things are extremists (i’d say preaching in a shopping mall is on the extremist pathway somewhere) and other Christian sects (these guys distanced themselves from Catholicism pretty quick when I mentioned that). I wish you were there to hear the whole conversation…because it was fascinating. God damn they’re deluded.

With Peace, Love and Bible-bashing

Gav

Going too far…

I’m always accused of going too far…well I like to talk about things that people uncomfortable. Sex, Death and my personal thoughts…you know the dark ones, you ALL have but don’t speak about. That’s what you read….my mum was shocked when she read my blog for the first time…she hasn’t looked at me straight since. She knows her son is a disturbed young man. Although I’m not doing monologues where I shit on stage and write on the wall with my shitted shit it (I know I could have worded that better)…my high school Drama teacher told me he saw this once….fuck being at that show!

That’s why I love George Carlin…he would (late in his career,) would push the audience into an uncomfortable place (christ he made jokes about Rape and they were actually funny…it’s all in the context, which he’s proved more times than I count), I love that. Put me in a place that I think…Holy shit…did you just go there?.

Very few go there….i love to go there….make mes happy (maybe a little hard)….

See that makes you uncomfortable doesn’t it.

Here is some things I don’t touch on this blog…

Religion: because I don’t know enough.

Race: Because we’re all human the last time I checked.

Rape: for obvious reasons

Homosexuality: I’m not a bigot (if knew about my upbringing you know why), but I don’t feel a need to cover it either.

MY sexual relationships: I will talk about my dating failures…but NEVER about the success…A public gentlemen never kisses and tells.

Everything else is free range.

Women, Sex, and dumb shit fills my brain most of the time, I think that’s displayed in the shit i’ve written about since I started blogging 3 years ago….okay, I used to rant more about shit TV and stupid celebs and crows too back then.

Now, I’m not as extreme as my heroes (not even on the same continent), Zach De La Rocha, George Carlin, Bill Hicks. All voices of descent. All people who said what they thought and didn’t give a flying fuck what people thought of there thoguhts (intentionally bad sentences tonight…i’m a bastard). I’m in that category for the lack giving a shit about public thought about me personally. BUT unlike those people…i lack talent. I’m more a sledgehammer….with random brainwaves.

This is one freaked out a dude at work today…

…I was thinking about this the other day…how did anyone get to thinking of execution by stabbing someone through the shoulder blade into the heart…like the Romans did? Who dreamed that one up?

No wonder I failed as commercial radio host…normal people don’t like talk like that.

I’ll admit to this audience, that everything you read is my uncensored head….although i have held back on one blog ever…you will never see that one.

There should be nothing wrong with I say and do on here. Especially these days where the censorship laws are a little bit relaxed. This is my medium for me to express myself. Because I hold back on radio (I’m a silly dickhead…but I love playing that character, that goes for the Madeline thing too), I definitely hold back at work (I work in hospitality…I can’t talk to guests about copping head, battlefield executions or why the church should be disbanded). But this is where I can cut loose…and so can you. You have the right to an opinion on what I think, which is why I LOVE your comments. I love the profane, inane and sometimes profound chatter that my thoughts cause. You are beautiful people.

I love being the guy, who writes the nutty blog about the stupid details and idiocies of life, I love watching snooty bitches and ‘normal’ people turn there noses to me. My god! That makes my day.

In conclusion…I will continue to write like this, uncensored, silly, stupid and downright mental material. Like it or not, it’s here to stay.

With defiance

Gav

LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!!

I don’t care how sexist i’m going to seem…i like this… A LOT!

http://www.lflus.com/

FUCK YES!

HOT Girls playing a contact sport in fuck all clothing…ummm….yeeeeaaahhhh!

Yes, this is sexist and stupid…the games will be atrocious in standard…but who the fuck cares?

Best idea ever.

Fuck AFL, Fuck NBA, Fuck any sport….hot women playing amercian football in lingerie…what else could be cooler!?

10 teams, 20 weeks, lots of ratings from the male demographic (big spenders btw!).

Note: Men would walk different during the season (for reasons you can imagine).

Shit, i’d get season tickets if I lived in the USA!

One HD (Com’on this is HD…imagine slow motion replay!)…PLEASE BUY THE RIGHTS TO BROADCAST THIS!

I will send you guys flowers and love forever….you play fucking ‘Slamball’ for christ sake!

So, why not show this on my TV…the world needs to see this…with the NBL dying…I needed a new sport to cling to and fall in love with…this is it.

Bring this to Australia!

Make TV Good again…please?

With Lust…

Gav

More Brain Splatter…

Urban Myth: If you see shoes on a power line, out the front of house. You’ve found a dealer…

Is this true? I always thought it was the result of bullying…seriously. This is not rhetorical question…I want an answer!

Breasts are awesome.

I’m sick of my dreams. They’re fucked up. Normal setting, weird shit…basically like my conscious life but 100 times more random and fucked up. I’ll tell you about them sometime.

About the NRL Gangbang scandal…they’re all idiots, she’s a slut…get over it and tackle someone!

You know who is a cool guy? I wanna buy this man a beer and listen to his thoughts. Harry Jenkins, Speaker of house for Federal Parliament. The guy is a dude! Mad sarcastic, witty and kills weak arguments from dear friends in the lower house. The guy is a champion.

Confession: I almost fell love, earlier this year…like at first site. Then we spoke to each other and got along like we knew each other for years…I was smitten….problem being she was a backpacker. She went home…and I continue on. I’m destined for a tragic romance…DESTINED!

I bought one of Gillette Fusion razors. 5 blades…no difference. Really. Sorry guys and sorry to my bank account.

If I hear the phrase in these financial times one more time…someone will die!

I love Politicians and they’re brownnosing. Everytime some makes a statement, you see them reacting with an approving nod. It’s a political 8 Mile thing

“OOoooOOOooo Werd, Ruddy, that line about the Opposition lacking sense was ill, yo”

Message to Bums: You’re not getting my change…so stop asking

Massage to McShit staff: I know your job is shit. But don’t take your self-loathing out on me. Get me my Flake Cone, here is your dollar. Now smile at me and do your job. It’s called customer service; you may even get paid better than I do. I heard Mcshit pays well for your shit job…stop you’re sulking.

I really hope they find the “Rockingham Dog killer’ and kill him. By leaving him with some pissed off dogs.

You do know that “Yes” votes will the referendum this weekend right? The State Government will get it through, no matter what. Lesson: You’re doesn’t count for shit…which is why I don’t vote.

It’s always the same guy on Sports reports on the news. Early 30’s, male, smug-looking cocksucker. I want vagrant to read the news. A wild mental vagrant.

Vagrant: Franklin kicked 6 g….WHATTHEFUCKYOU LOOKINWHATDOGFUCKINGCU…Back to you Susanna.

It’d be a million times better than this snot-nosed fuckwit, with a micropenis trying to live vicariously through these footballers. You’re journalism degree and face time doesn’t hide the fact that you’re deficient human being.

More of this shit later

Gav

The NBL is a joke!

The NBL is a joke. The punch line has kicked in and everyone is laughing.

I remember when Basketball was the 3^rd most popular sport in Australia. This was the Mid-90’s.

There were heaps of teams (anyone remember Hobart Tassie Devils, Canberra Cannons, Newcastle Falcons and Geelong Supercats?…thought not), the competition was healthy, the Wildcats were kickin’ ass and I was 10 and falling in love with the game. It’s now a flaming pile of shit. The competition is a joke…literally. It’s a dead duck; no one can afford to exist anymore. It’s a sad day in Australian sport…and the slow death of basketball in this country.

The NBL is shown on Fox Sports…who the fuck watches Fox for the NBL? I LOVE basketball would pick it over many sports…maybe not sex and football but I would subscribe to Foxtel for the NBL….bad move! But fuck…Andrew Gaze is commentating the game…HE IS AWFUL! Steve Carfino is a colour-commentary guy…thats it! He should NEVER  lead the commentary team…bahhhhh!

No major sponsor...no championship teams left...no hope.

The competition which I loved is a now a joke. I even wrote away to the NBL once in 95’ for a press pack, (they sent it to me too). The NBL had a big fan in me. I’ve turned my back on them now.

Here are the final three blows which have fucked this competition.

Case Example A:

Sydney Kings:

They were fucked over by a dickhead owner (not the teams fault) who didn’t pay his players, but were the champions and dominating the competition at the time of their demise. Then it’ll fell apart and the best team in league became a dead duck in the biggest market in Australia. Unbelievable! I hated the Kings…but I still wanted them around. The worst way to go.

Brisbane Bullets:

Another recent championship team! They won it all in 2007, dead in 2008, DEAD Due to money issues. Can anyone in Oz basketball manage funds?

South Dragons:

Reigning champs = dead duck! FUUCK! They are the current champs. They won’t be returning to defend! Three out of the four most recent champions are now gone.

IN fact, here is the complete list of defunct teams from NBL history:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_defunct_National_Basketball_League_(Australia)_teams

Looking at this now proves to me…the NBL has always been a Basketcase!

The NBL is now on life support…I think they should pull the plug.

BUT…

The competition wants to continue as a 7 or 8 team league without a team from the 3 biggest markets in Australia, Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. WHAT THE F…seriously….KILL THE NBL!

It’s a cancer…doesn’t just have a cancer…IT IS A CANCER!  How can this happen to such a globally popular sport in Australian where still many kids play the game…I answer you with this… severe mismanagement!

Basketball Australia is stupid, we have some good players floating around…I know we can’t compete with the European markets or the NBA salary wise…but maybe somehow we could lure some of our better players home and start from scratch. I don’t have a solution for the NBL…but they should blow it up! Re-think and come back in 2 years.

It worked for A League. NSL was a joke…they revamped the competition after 18 months; it came back as the A League and its booming (apart from the Perth Glory who suck the big one!).

It hurts me to see this league the way it is….but it needs to die.

Regards

Gav

Things I need to do before I die:

I thought you’d enjoy this kids…so read on.

Things I need to do before I die:

Go to the US

Backpack around Europe

Write my book

Get my film made

Find a good woman…and keep her

Live in Byron Bay

Live in Margaret River

Sit in the JJJ Studios with Rosie Beaton during Super Request…just to be close enough to my dream to taste it….and that doesn’t mean licking Rosie…

Meet Bill Simmons

Sleep with Canadian Chick…what?

Get the score count to 50

Kill something large…like a camel…and eat it. MAN SHIT!

See an NBA Game LIVE

Feel like I’ve done something with my life

Fall in love

Have sex in a stairwell…oops done that one!

Go to Africa

Swim with Dolphins

Fight a Mascot…then drink a beer with the dude in the costume

Date a Model…or at least fuck her

Outlive my enemies…should be easy but hey…your time is soon mother fucker!

Own something nice

Right some of my wrongs…some!

Smoke Weed, Chew a Shroom’, Do a trip….just once.

Be involved in a full-scale riot…..and loot shit!

Be myself, no matter what!

Go to sit in a field for a week…

WATCH the running of the bulls…and cheer for the bulls!

Swim with a Whale Shark

Stage Dive!

Go to Ibiza

Go to the Big Day Out…i’ve never been.

Drive solo around Australia.

Burn down a house….of some rich fuck

Go on a yacht

Dance with my lover in the moonlight…with no music…we’ll make it ourselves.

Animals I would FIGHT!

Note: I don’t ACTUALLY plan to fight or hurt animals…that would just be plain stupid and wrong. Plus the RSPCA would end my freedom. And for those animal lovers who will be offended by this…IT’S A JOKE!

Have you ever thought about what animals you’d match up against in the animal kingdom with? A cross-species UFC-style type of match…no holds barred and to the death! I have…

*everyone reading thinks…of course, you’re a fucking maniac!*

Here is a the first of a series of animals, I’d call out and tell them step into the Octagon…’LETS GET IT ON’

ROUND 1...FIGHT!

A Camel:

Look at it!

Don’t you just want to punch this thing in nose? I’ve ALWAYS hated these animals; it’s not out of fear either…because I’ve ridden one. They’re rude, smelly, phlegm flinging bastards… it’s time for me to show this thing who’s on top of the food chain here!

Obviously, if you’ve ever seen a camel in person, you’d know that I as a human being… I’m a size, reach and power disadvantage…and quite a big one. THEY’RE HUGE!

But I’m smarter (just), that and pride would get me across the line…also I would bring a nightstick with me.

Prediction: Gav in 3 rounds and a few broken ribs.

An Emu:

In this all-Aussie brawl, I take on this stupid piece of native fauna. Basically this another animal that needs to know it’s role and shut it’s beak. With it’s long neck and stupid looking head.

Note: No sucker punches involved in this brawl…unlike those real-life dickheads who punched the kangaroo in the head…that’s one animal i’m NOT going toe-to-toe with…fuck being kicked by a kangaroo! P.S I would pay to see the rematch between the Kangaroo Puncher and the Kangaroo…i’m predicting vastly different result.

Anyway, to this flightless bird that offends me…

I’m once again at size, disadvantage, but this bird is also quick, and with that neck, it has a HUGE reach advantage. I could lose an eye.

One place where I have a HUGE advantage is in the brains department. This bird is DUMB! So when I bring a Taser into the equation this should be over pretty quick.

Prediction: Gav in the 1^st…early Taser knockout.

Feral Cat:

These bastards, ruin native flora, kill the fauna (poor Bilbies) and a general a major nuisance. So I will fight one of these too!

I have a size, reach and power advantage…but this thing has claws…and its lightning quick. This could take a while for me get my hands on this Feral Cat.

AND they’re VICIOUS!

Prediction: Gav in 8 rounds…and lots of blood loss…

More later…

Gav