Love Splatter.

This is a bit of special subject ‘splatter’ about love and relationships that I wrote down one night and edited into a blog. It’s a bit self-absorbed and somewhat dark…but enjoy.

I’ve been away for a bit, because of work commitments. I’m working tirelessly (trust me when I say i’m faking it) and the money is looking sexy in my bank account right now. Alas apart from my work and lack of blogging. Some amazing things have been happening in the in twisted world I live in. My best friends are either having children or getting married and I’m thinking about the unthinkable… I’m thinking about love. *and the readers die*

I’ve previously written about my total atheism when it comes to love (much to reader protest and the loss of friendship). I don’t believe in it, it’s not for me; it’s going to happen to me…I will admit, I would love for it to happen, but it’s just not going to. I trust my gut on more things these days and I know I’m right about this.

Now, I’m thinking about love constantly. I’ve recently met two women who I have actually liked, not just wanted to trade bodily fluids with and put them down as another statistic. I’m talking dating, picnics, romance, laying on car bonnets watching the stars cuddled in blanket, talking shit for hours. I’m dreaming about love every night, in all seriousness. I’m not in love with anyone, but it’s decided to dangle the carrot and say to me…

’Hey Gav this love gear is good for you…even though you don’t believe in it…here it was it looks like…enjoy the show, sunshine’ My Brain is the snake in Adam and Eve now…tempting me with thoughts of happiness, then I wake up.

I’ve even thought about what kind of woman would be a good match for me. What kind of women would be able to make me go Gaga and see that tunnel vision which people in love do? More on that thought later.

Is there such thing? I know there is actually. I see it in my best friend and his fiancé.

They were introduced by my other best friend (who is recently married herself). They met, fell in love almost instantly, she moved in our house a week after they met and never looked back. They’re now engaged, have a bouncing baby boy together and are happy. But is that all love is? Happiness?

What is it we crave and drive us to find love. Is the companionship we crave? The extra body in your bed at night?  A shoulder to lean on? The wonderful picture of waking up next to her, mattered hair, your t-shirt and tracksuit pants and finding it the most beautiful thing ever regardless of her thinking she looks hideous. Is it someone to hear your darkest thoughts and not judge you for them? For someone who considers himself a bit of a loner, these thing seem incredibly farfetched, besides I don’t like telling people about my truly dark inner thoughts, this is ‘Gav’s Brain Lite’. They’re some things which shouldn’t be said, released to the masses. Like the next Lady Gaga album or anything else to do with ‘Fast and Furious’.

Love is blind too. Look at Chris Brown and Rhianna.

Love is certainly not sex; sex can be extension of love. A physical expression of love certainly doesn’t signify love, or does it? Love and sex are closely related in nature. Both can be unbelievably satisfying, mind-blowing experiences, it can also be a task, it can be rough, it can be uncomfortable, and dark. It can be terrible and sometimes for one party, it can be a bore and you lose interest. Is that a good sex life is a good for a relationship? Perhaps. Sex for me at the moment is purely for the enjoyment. I can certainly separate a good fuck from making love.

I tend to think love is finding someone who totally understands you and in the bluntest way possible, someone who you can stand to be around for more than 24 hours straight.

In my case, she’d need to be a patient woman, trust me when I say I’m a handful. The woman to make me believe in love would have to the complete opposite of me. She’d be happy, smart, patient (there is that word again) and beautiful to the core. Could she be a shining light to shine on my dark, sardonic, self absorbed little aura turning me into a loving, gracious, committed man…maybe? Although these blogs would dry up if someone took that away from me. A sacrifice I may even be willing to make.

That’s the scariest part for me, I’ve been in a rut for so many years now, that I may not be able to feel happiness or love and not feel incredibly lost and uncomfortable. Commitment to something new (even if it’s good for me) is not a strong suit of mine.

But for those people who are addicted to the chemical reaction known as love, I know what I’m missing out on. The fact that we humans spend so much time and money on love, i.e. internet dating sites for the desperate and dateless… ladies and gentlemen love is BIG business…ask a florist around Valentine’s Day, if they’re not too busy cutting thorns off rose stems, or counting their V-day profits and rubbing the money on themselves with a sick form sexual glee.

But enough of these pointless, illogical meanderings about something that I’m the least qualified person to speak about. ‘All you need is love, Love is all you need’ John Lennon famously sang…I think I need a drink, a blowjob and a lobotomy actually.

Love

Gav

P.S I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Brain Splatter brought to you by THE STICK OF DEATH!

Best part about Halloween…you can dress like an idiot, act like an idiot and most people don’t know who the fuck you are…complete anonymity is amazing fun!

 

See, I can have fun too.

 

A tip for my enemies (I don’t have any that I know of…but whatever): If you wanna ruin my day, show a girl I’m after this blog…she’ll never speak to me again.

I love that I created another term for people to use. ‘Meno-cow’ has become popular among my readers and friends. Spread the word…like Herpes.

Pop culture never ceases to bore me. Ripping on it seems like I’m doing God’s work.

Test Cricket is better than Baseball…fact!

Slap someone…you’ll enjoy it. Just don’t slap me.

Sexual tension is no fun…so if you’re single, female and attractive…you can definitely take it out on me…no slapping though.

Organising interviews through Twitter for my upcoming return to radio broadcasting is painful. I have so much information to throw at this person for the interview…yet I have 140 characters to use…facebook for the win!

Is it me is absurd and dark, cutting humour the glue of my life?

 

There is a reason why this mans thoughts speak to me and not much amuses me.

If someone says you’re drinking too much at a bar, snatch and drink their drink in a sculling gulp and say in your drunken slur ‘I’m a martyr, god dammit!’. I think this would fuck them up for about 35-37 minutes.

Someone asked how I describe myself in one word…3 seconds of thinking later I said “Sardonic”. I think I made them run for the dictionary.

There is nothing wrong with triple-pun intellectual humour; I’m not dumbing my jokes down.

To those that don’t have commitments and a social life…I miss that feeling of solitude and freedom, can we swap?

Note to people in elevators: wash or wipe your arse! Deodorant helps too by the way!

Okay, who the fuck was it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard work is not duly rewarded; your parents lied to you!

I have the semi- fortunate position of having a job I do and a job I like. Best of both worlds…one also makes me appreciate the other.

God bless spell check.

I don’t get people who care about the company they work for…you’re an expendable cog in their money making machine. You’re easily replaced and you’re not getting what you deserve.

I’m not cynical…I’m just askew to the programmed point-of-view. I also dislike euphemisms…note the contradiction in the previous sentence.

You know the mystique in your relationship is gone when you can hear your girlfriend go to the toilet.

I highly recommend ‘Sumo Salad’…now that I’ve given you a free plug guys…I want free food!

Can someone tell me why we are actually charging people for milk? I don’t think cows see any of that money.

If these guys had any sense...they'd be pretty pissed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Punch an emu!

Reason to have a girlfriend #425: Waking up next to her, with her mattered hair and in her trackies is one of the hotter, more beautiful things to see in the morning.

Note: I don’t have a girlfriend…but that should be PLAINLY obvious.

It’s not true that ‘you can’t get something for nothing’. Look at what big business and government does while we toil and work until we die for them…I’m pretty sure they’re doing fuck all and gaining everything!

There is anti-establishment slant to this blog this week isn’t there? I should watch Fight Club less.

STOP BREEDING!

 

Useless fact about the author: I can’t touch my toes while stretching.

ANOTHER Message to the career minded: bahahahahahahaha Lighten up you sad fucks…bahahahahahhahahaha. Thank You.

Is it okay to kill your customers at work place? It’s not!…ummm, then what do I with this twisted looking chap over there…not to mention the blood.

 

I can feel this building to something…probably an orgasm.

I’m waiting for the weekend…hurry up, fuck ya!

Have you realised that everything cool you’ve ever wanted to say, has been said better by someone cooler than you. That shits not cool.

Semantics are more fun than poo jokes…try fucking with someone’s head over- using logic. My god it’s fun. As for dick jokes…nothing beats dick jokes. STICK OF DEATH!

I want to kick any male Australian Idol contestant in the balls…call my service to music.

If I was any other nationality I’d be Swedish.

 

enough said...

 

Imagine if my imagination was reality. God help you all.

How did I live without facebook?

Qualifications need to be a telemarketer/phone operator for pretty much anything. Be annoying, have no phone manner what-so-ever and be a complete fucking moron. Wow, you’re all those things…you’re hired! Here’s a headset.

 

That means YOU cocksucker!

 

Reason to have a girlfriend #425: They smell nice

Who watches Home & Away? Seriously.

For those that dressed up for go to Melbourne Cup, I have one question…why?

Is too soon to make Michael Jackson Child-Necrophilia jokes?

This is not It! There will be more remix CD’s, bootlegs, TV specials, T-shirts, Tribute tours, Covers, 3 different ‘Best of’ collections to come. Let’s not even mention Box sets of Michaels back catalogue.

I’m not a cynic, you’re just naive.

Who finds themselves wanting to have middle-aged English actresses like Emma Thompson or Kate Winslet? Nope…errr carry on.

I haven’t stumbled on a new TV celeb in months I’ve wanted to fuck. I have to stop watching the sports channels, I think.

Worst career move for me: School teacher…imagine my morals being installed in your kids. A bunch of sarcastic, angry, disobedient, misanthropes…Disney would hate me forever!

Question what you read. Including this shit.

I really hate Seagulls. I’ve decided that they suck.

Yes, that means YOU too!

 

I remember the days when kicking a stone down the road for a good 2 kms was a fun activity walking home from school. No Ipods when I was a kid, dammit.

I talk to myself all the time. I’m the only person whose opinion truly matters to me.

Who thinks Judd Apatow movies are pretty average. I do.

Environmentalists need to, go to nature and stay there.

I’ll finish with this thought: I wonder if Indigenous folk feel disgusted on Australia Day when we celebrate the Invasion of their land with Southern Cross tattoos, fireworks and flying flags on utes (The BBQs and Hottest 100 get a pass). I know I do.

Regards

Gav

Brain Splatter brought to you by anger…the muse of Gav.

I love it when people call me odd…within about 3 minutes of knowing me…it’s also hurtful…but we’ll keep that secret…oh…moving on.

True Fact: George Carlin is my hero.

Before I do the silly/angry stuff. I’ve been thinking about the book lately. Your thoughts…should I just go for it and do it next year. Or save and make sure I have at least 10-15 grand before I even start? Let me know…seriously.

Here’s a list of things I like….ummm….eerrrm….I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

I love walking home drunk. It’s such a wondrous adventure, the blurry stumble of a drunken man walking through semi-abandoned car park and train station at 6am…having the surly Transit Guards look at you like some form deviant as the sun feels like it’s moved into Earths atmosphere and is paying attention solely to burning your retinas. Then it’s to hoping into a taxi and copping an unwanted bunch of stories about drunks and the driver’s bad night…fun stuff. Then (no and then!) getting home and having the dog next door bark for 4 hours…this is how serial killer get their start I’m sure.

I like American Football. It’s Roided up genetic freaks, belting the shit out of each other and lots of yelling, posing and other silly shit. Also the pre-show intros are insanely over the top (Country Music, Cheerleadesr, lots of CGI Grindiron Helmets Flying around and EXPLODING on the screen). 32, 23, 99 HIKE!

BLOAW...WOOOOOOOO YEAH BABY!

New Rule: Motorcyclists should get their own freeways. I’m sick of this: You’re driving along nodding your head to something on the iPod you like, and then you hear this shit…. ZzzzzZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn, Some dickhead on a Ninja Bike flies past at 234km per second. I wonder what the life expectancy of these morons is. 12 months? 3 years? 2 days? No wonder surgeons call these fuckers ‘Temporary Citizens’. Valentino Rossi these boys are not.

Whoopsie!

Young men in nightclubs are not the problem for me…you know who the worst people are to deal with in clubs. Middle aged women who can’t handle their drink. Stay home meno-cow!

Best part of being a loser…no one expects much of you.

This blog proves I’m at the end of moral thought. Only downhill from here.

True fact: You’re soul is owned by Coca-cola.

20/20 cricket is actually pretty fucking boring. I prefer Test Cricket…more brains involved. Don’t start me One-day cricket…snore!

Semi-true fact: Itunes owns my soul.

Parking Tickets need to outlawed, Parking Inspectors need to be shot.

I don’t do it. But fuck it…legalise Pot and Magic Mushrooms. All drugs will fuck you up eventually prescription, illicit or natural. The Oz government can do what the Americans do. Capitalise on our declining health as we smoke, medicate and eat ourselves into an early grave. McDonalds and Eagle Boys would be licking their lips at the thought of the stoners storming through the doors after a session looking for something to eat. I say have government controlled stores selling Mary Jane like they do in Amsterdam and use the profits to build roads and universities (where you’d get BIG business).

Imagine how quiet clubs would be! No glassing, no fights, just philosophy debates and insane amounts of giggles and pizza deliveries. The places to be would be stoner clubs, with The Doors, Cypress Hill and Pink Floyd as the soundtrack. Shit, I’d go for the music alone! A Cash cow in the making, Ruddy!

Magpies and Crows are plotting to kill us. Watch the skies…

If birds got their way...

I was told to go Istanbul but not Constantinople…

Who else is over that “Sexy Bitch’ song?

Here’s how I tan: Burn, Pink, Peel, White. Anglo-Saxon skin, for the Loss.

It’s really sad, that even with my best friend nurturing a new born; I’m the ONLY person not getting all clucky. In fact Kids to me, on the most part smell, scream, cry and ruin a perfectly good day. Barring my best mate’s kid…if you have kids, I don’t want to talk to, hold, or babysit them. I have better things to do…like eating my own face.

A list of shit things about summer:

Bogans at the beach.

Southern Cross Tattoos (usually attached to the same bogans)

No Football on a Sunday Morning

Hot Nights and No Sleep

Women pay no attention to a guy who can’t tan and looks like a British Tourist at the beach. I’m like a fucking mirror!

Children EVERYWHERE!

Bushfires

Flies

Mosquitoes

One Day Cricket

Christmas

Global Warming sounds fun doesn’t it? Like a permanent summer holiday…underwater.

On that point, Tasmania would suddenly become a good tourist destination…

Tasmania in 50 years...

Perth is trying to copy Melbourne so much that’s stolen its weather. Fuck it’s weird over here right now.

True Fact: Ladyhawke sounds like Belinda Carlisle.

Leave Wrangas alone!

I had some 16 year old girl ask me out at some traffic lights from a party bus. She barely flinched when I said I was 25. Thank fuck the lights went green.

I haven’t yelled at Religious freaks in the city for a while…I’m very proud of myself.

If people are cloning their dogs, let’s go all out and do a ‘Jurassic Park’. I want a pet Raptor!

SICK EM REX!

I was at TimeZone on the weekend, killing time. One complaint…No NBA Jam! Com’on…NBA Jam was the best game EVER! I wanna light up some bad NBA Teams from 1994. Take THAT Dallas Mavericks

Anyone remember Rocko’s Modern Life? That was a good fuckin’ cartoon!

Poor Rocko...he had traumatic life...

Where have all the good movies gone?

Gav’s reasoning to help you quit your job and become a hermit (note: these are socially irresponsible and possibly untrue):

You’re soul is being destroyed while you getting butt-fucked (symbolically of course) for paycheck which is bare enough to survive…okay this actually true!

You don’t need workmates do you?

You would be better off sitting in a commune singing John Butler songs

Who needs a nice car and hot girlfriend when you can have a bath in a lake and have a girl friend with hair in her armpits…and on her chin.

Fremantle Markets need you, man!

How are going to find time to learn the sitar?

The UFO’s are waiting.

Because 69’ was the shit, yo!

9/11 was inside job.

JFK was killed by the banks, man. They’ll kill you too!

Surfing is good form of exercise.

It’s the Nimbin dream.

You secretly like John Williamson.

Dreads look great on white guys…ask Newton Faulkner.

It’s only way to escape the Veronicas.

How did Vanessa Amorosi rescue her career 10 years later? Someone answer that for me please.

To those that believe that Bottled Water is from Natural Springs…baaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha *breathes* bwwwwahaahahahahahahahahahaha. Thank You.

Fuck Hope!

Oh, to be a sociopath…wouldn’t that be great…what?

Words to live by: Travel Light.

With bruises in naughty places…

Gav

The return of…BRAIN SPLATTER…

Yes, it’s been a long time. I’m a busy man. Have a full social life and prefer the company of woman to my PC…sorry everyone. Without further wank…

Time for the….BRAAAAAIIIIIIIN SPPPPLLLLLLAAAAATTTTTTEEEEERRRRR!!!!

Writers Block is a form of constipation.

Attacking people is not only fun but therapeutic …attack a random bystander. Just hope they don’t know Mixed Martial Arts.

Imagine dating this woman!

I think bad parents should be executed in the street. I know this will upset some people including the kids of the now dead Mum & Dad but we need to make example of these people….okay, too severe. How about we burn their Volvo SUV’s? Better? Cool.

I love happy endings…and I don’t mean the ‘Lion King’ kind.

When I saw the title for Snow Patrols “Chasing Cars” I thought it was about the favourite activity of dogs with mental issues…alas I was bitterly disappointed.

I met Kate Miller-Hidke a couple of days ago. I wish I knew who she was at the time, I would have yelled at her for “Last Day On Earth”…that god damn song has been in my head for 12 days now…AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! By the way…Kate herself is lovely.

I love summer music festivals, lots of idiots to laugh, the bouncers aren’t complete bastards and I love watching people trying to jump fences and getting stomped in the process. Yep, I’m siding with the security staff here.

What’s all the fuss about ‘Packed to the Rafters”…it’s shit. When will people learn?

I hope to see this one day, guy walking along the street, wearing a “Random Breast Tester” tee. Girl on her ‘time of the month’ and one day past a break up, she sees this guy. Walks up to the guy…and kicks him in the nuts. I think we need some random acts of violence which are semi-funny.

I think I should make a Twitter account solely to make the most inane/insane Twitter statements I can think of…like something like this…

“Cooking toast and listening to my GF whinge…WTF!”

Then writing “stroking my penis and calling it Max LOL’.

Then I’d write something like… ‘Sharpening a Pencil…. TTYL’

Then it’d all be building towards this…

“Burying my GF, the bitch wouldn’t shut up about the toast and my penis stroking…I stabbed her with the pencil 236 times and burying her in the pines…with the pencil, now the pencil is going home to nature LMAOROFL”

I’d have millions of followers for that stupid shit. I’m sure some would be police but hey, I’m not picky with who follows me on Twitter.

You can see why I don’t have a girlfriend…

I wonder if any Welder has been called an ‘Oxy-Moron’ before…a cutting and clever insult.

Every tradie has to have a sex pun slogan...

Gav’s hair brained solutions to solve to obesity problem #23: I think those that have no social life and sit around playing video games should be given conjugal visits. I think they’d stop playing PS3 pretty fuckin’ quick. Plus it’s a form of exercise.

Put down the controller, big boy!

I wonder who coined the term ‘A roll in the hay” and did they have a rash after?

I think you need a hug….*HUGS*. Happy?

nawwwww

On the subject of physical affection. I think someone should run the social experiment of walking around in their city with a shit cardboard sign saying ‘Free Blowjobs’…I think you’d get more interesting clientele than those ‘Free Hugs’ idiots. Also, i’m not trying this…just for the record.

Ya mum!

Ya Distant 3^rd Cousin, who is kind of cute, but modern society frowns on that kind of thing…., barring Tasmania.

Imagine if this was the 3rd cousin...hmmmm

Pull your own damn finger.

Instead of ‘Talk like a Pirate Day’…how about we have ‘Talk in Double Entendre Day’…that to me is MUCH more interesting. Imagine that at the supermarket counter. “Wanna bag my celery, baby?”

Society needs a kick in the arse. I’m shining my shoes right now…call me when you need me.

I think we should update the ‘Call someone who cares” line to “Text, Tweet or Facebook someone who cares, LOL!”.

I don’t trust Emus.

Not to be trusted

Let’s put the Mosquitoes on the endangered species list…com’on everyone start the genocide now!

I think it’s sad that I’ve softened over the years. I used to hate Hamish & Andy…now I love them. I like dance music now and scariest of all, I’m thinking about a threesome with The Veronicas…next I’m going to watch network TV in prime time. At this point, I should be killed!

You've thought about it too!

Who told country musicians they’re allowed told have a fruitful career…there is no justice.

I think a cool Metal band name would be ‘The Gretel Killeen’s’. Pantera ain’t got shit on that name. Brutal!

1st album cover?

Worst part about summer…seeing those stupid Southern Cross tattoos…

I wrote a line that I know would upset people…it was meant to be here. But alas good taste prevailed. Now can someone do that ‘Good Taste Prevails’ thing to the WHOLE of Channel 9 Programming?

I wonder if anyone who sniffs paint is also a Graffiti writer.

‘Birds of a feather flock together’ is a racist term for birds! Corellas like Turns, Turns also like the companies of Budgies, 38 Parrots and Pelicans. No one likes Crows though, they’re fuckheads.

Eagles just don't like anyone either...including each other.

Imagine if we weren’t on top of the food chain…how much more interesting would life be?

Fuck the Melbourne Cup!

Go Horsie, Go! *snores*

I miss climbing trees. But if I were to do that now…people would think I’m up to no good.

If walls could talk…I’d get therapy.

Have you ever been caught talking to yourself…I keep going. It’s bound to be a better conversation than what they have to say.

Smile sweetly at a Policeman in Northbridge…see what happens.

Pleasant thoughts…I’m thinking about soft, loving sex with Anne Hathaway…what are you thinking about?

Could you imagine me writing this blog on Peyote?*puts that down on the list of things to do*

A handjob actually seems like a lot of work.

A good name for a porn sci-fi spoof (double pun intended). ‘Anal Sex: The Final Frontier’.

Time for me to end this with this…*pelvic thrust*

With hickeys…

Gav

Public Holiday Monday Splatter…

Brain Splatter…brought to you Patrick Swayze…seems it’s his week…you know he only made ONE good movie…it was this.

Just remember that kids…

BLLLLLLLLAATTTTT: Splatter Time, bitches…

I bought a HUGE TV…just thought you needed to know.

I’ve never met anyone who loves someone biting their ears. Even during sex…stop doing this!

Holy shit, kids toys are so much better when I was a kid. Probably much more expensive though.

I remember watching Beyond 2000, and thinking ‘cool when I grow I’ll be driving a hovercar’. I feel robbed, where the fuck is hovercar? We can’t even get an electrical car on the road. Where is my fusion powered hovercar?

Not what i'm talking about...

Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh, sorry I was thinking about the return to warm weather.

What did Apple do in those years they were not selling iPods, and IPhones and IPod Accessories and the Apple laptops? Seriously…how did they survive the Windows onslaught of the 90’s?

Imagine your life without this blog…isn’t it better?

Also think about this internet has given self-centred arseholes like me a platform to put their ridiculous, stupid and shit thoughts out there for you all to read…god bless the internet!

I should get over the Rosie Beaton thing, huh?

Isssnnn'tt shheeee luuuuurrrrrvvvely....Stevie Wonder would cry about being referenced in hthis blog...

I love Grand Final Day…no matter who is playing! I love sitting down with drinks and snacks and watching a contest…how Australian of me.

MMmmMMMmm Sooky Stackhouse….I don’t watch this stupid show…Anna Paquin needs to buy me a drink. I’d love to make her weekend.

Am I the only person in Australia that didn’t watch MasterChef…I hate cooking for me, why would I watch other people cook on TV…fucking stupid!

I should be Lindsay Lohan’s friend…she’d buy me drinks would have hot friends and we could have meaningless sex.

SHOTS for Gav and Lindsay!

Dust Storms in Sydney, Small Earthquakes in Melbourne….Perth….nothing. Fuck!

Speaking of Earthquakes, I’ve been in one…but I didn’t wake up. It was a small Earthquake but while I was living in Kalgoorlie during the final stage of my ill-fated radio career, there was an Earthquake measure 3 point something on the Richter scale. I slept through it. I think I was the only person in town who had no idea about the stupid quake, phone calls, office gossip greeted me when I got to the station and I said I slept through it…I then went on air and said this…

“So we had a quake last night in Kal…I slept throught it, yep…wake me when it’s a 6.7’.

No wonder those people hated me.

I was told I had impure thoughts….what?

Stop laughing….please?

I want to go back to Roman times. Just so I can be in orgy. They were like facebook back then.

3pm: heading for the Orgy in the communinal baths

If blondes have more fun….and I love fun…how come I love redheads so much….?

Fuck the Royal Show!

Scariest thing I’ve seen this week: The cross-pollination of TV ads at the movies. I go to the movie to get away from shit on TV…fuck me!

I miss taping the radio.

I miss you

I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts, I must not have digusting sexual thoughts….Peter Pan should have fucked Tinkerbell.

I find it amusing that they have people who draw pictures of Bart fucking Lisa Simpson….WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!

Fuck Glee!

Another annoying 'buzz show'

Who thinks I would be a GREAT Corrupt Cop?

I work in a nightclub and HEAPS of fights…can I see a GOOD fight, just for once?

Speaking of which, why is it dudes who get arrested on TV for fighting or Drunk and Disorderly charges always have their shirts off. Does this actually make you fight better with your shirt off…you’re not in the MMA, keep your damn shirt on, you bogan halfwit dickheads!

example A

What is Cody Diablo thinking!? Megan Fox as a vampire! With an awkward young teen girl as the hero (Juno without the kid pretty much)…Diablo your going the wrong way here sweetheart!

Why, Diablo, why?

Note to white guys STILL wearing ‘Gangsta’ clothes….stop. The 8 Mile thing died years ago. Even Eminem (your messiah) stop giving a shit about 5 years ago.

The 90’s were 95% shit, musically.

I love the word ‘slut’. I also love sluts.

True Fact: I’ve never had a pity fuck…i’m shocked!

The new vegemite is called ‘iSanck 2.0′ they turn vegemite into computer software. Fuck sake!

This shit has a name now...iSnack 2.0 *shakes head*

I’m not a sex in public kind of guy…but if you own a Hummer…think of it. Driving a Hummer coping a Hummer, it’s worth doing for the comedic value ALONE!

Dog act of the week: some dickhead king-hitting a guy and his girlfriend at my local. Fuck that shit pisses me off. These people needs to be beaten senseless with a brick, for about 4 hours, and AIDS infected Lady Gaga fan, listening to her album on loop.

If you want a headfuck and have ITunes check out the ‘Night Air’ Podcast…your head will love you for it.

More Vampire shit! I really hate Twilight and the stupid shit surrounding it. I can’t think of many good Vampire movies or TV shows. The only decent Vampire flick was ‘Interview with a Vampire’. I thought this shit ended with Buffy….thanks Hollywood.

If people are going to fight in nightclubs or pubs, let bring it back to the old days, one on one, like Gentlemen. Take it outside, punch on, with the ‘dukes up’ (think 1800’s boxing), someone wins, no one gets mauled, glassed, stomped or hurt in any real way (busted lip and black eye at worst). The fight is declared over, everyone goes back in the pub, the drinking commences. One new rule, the fighting parties have to shake hands after and go home. Some decorum please!

Until Next Week…drink, fuck, masturbate, shit and do all things God told you not to do…barring rape and murder…take care of yourself and that’s it.

With Love and Rough Sex

Gav

No Footy? Now what!!!?

The most depressing time of the year is coming for any red-blooded male… the horrible space in between the Footy and the Cricket seasons.

I hate this time of year just after you watch the winning team hoist the trophy over their heads in victory in the AFL Grand Final…TV goes to absolute shite, and you realise it’s about to become a series of Elvis films and old sitcoms for about a month. I don’t have a shed, and wouldn’t know what to do with one. No car to work on, just the same hangover and nothing good to scream at or drink even more too. It’s the scariest time of any mans year.

OK, I know this was nearly 4 years ago now...but i'm the writer here and the Swans are my team...eat me!

Picture this and weep. Sunday afternoon, noon, post AGB, feeling average from a big night, eating leftovers. You turn on the TV and you don’t have Foxtel. Then what do you see…’The Mighty Ducks 2’. What…the…fuck! It’s soul destroying stuff. Disney Movies about sport and a Hollywood ending are as much of substitute for the footy as giving yourself sexual pleasure with a weed-wacker is to a good blowjob.

Maybe some Motorsport will do (Bathurst 1000 anyone? I thought not), until the first test for the summer, we’re pretty much fucked in the arse aren’t we? By the way before you say it, the Melbourne cup is not sport, it’s betting and drinking and wearing stupid hats event for one Tuesday in November. Fuck the nags and the tracks they ride on.

Yay....

Now I should mention if you’re like me, One HD is the potential saviour of man-kind. I like my American Sport, well Basketball anyway. But if it’s Baseball or a repeat of Golden Girls, I’ll be watching RBI’s and Home Runs…and I hate Baseball.

What do you do in this situation? Do you get into a project around the home? Go for a run? Actually spend time with the girlfriend? Holy shit…you’re lost and you may even cry.

Enough to make a grown man cry? Yep.

With the NBL in complete disarray, the NBA season not starting for 3 weeks after the AFL Grand Final, and only V8 Bogancars to keep a man like me interested in being conscious on a weekend during the daylight, I’m not looking forward to October…maybe the weather will fine up though. I could actually go outside, but what fun is that? God help us all.

Regards

Gav

P.S. Although watching the Australia Vs England one-dayers as I type this, if I have to put up with any more fucking ads with Ricky Ponting’s rude head on my TV, I will kill something small and cute.

A Special Monday Splatter….

Brain Splatter…brought to you my best mates new parenthood. Congratulations to Ben & Amy for bringing their new born baby Aiden Connors into the world. I’m so incredibly happy for you guys.

Now to the splatter…

Who like tits on men? Is there room on this planet for women or men who have a fetish for manboobs? This is what you get for me being ill at home and having time to think about this kind of shit welcome to this week’s splatter.

OH.........DEAR...........GOD!

I need to needlessly hate someone. I don’t have any mortal enemies anymore. No crow, No stalker, No Gretel on TV. Maybe Lady Gaga?

I love reading conspiracy theories, the crazy ones like from Icke and co. FEMA killing us all and making the world population decrease by 90%. Or those people in the city who protest against Sept 11 being an inside job…ok, I actually believe them on that one…but it was 8 years ago kids…you won’t win, give up! They gave a lovely DVD pack though with some crazy stuff in there.

Video clip of the week: Fuck you, I like this song!

(Facebookers click the pic and it’ll take you the video on YouTube)

Live clip (because I can’t find a non-embedded clip…thanks Universal music), great song…extra bit of funny, watch the lead singer at the end of the clip.

Should I go to ‘Youth Alive’ and fuck with the Christian kids heads…maybe I could make one cry, bunch of fucking lemmings…that would be serious fun.

I’m putting my hand up for this job, are listening you Australian Government. Give me 40 grand a year, a nice chair and some snacks (healthy ones please) and I will re-watch all the R-Rated movies before let’s say 1997 and I’ll re-rate these flicks for re-distribution. I’m pretty sure a bunch of these flicks are not R-rated for the most part now. Although i’ll give you one for free….Casino (the Scorsese flick) is still R Rated…just for the Joe Pesci baseball bat scene alone still the only death scene in film to make me cringe (even Saving Private Ryan’s first 30 minutes didn’t fuck with me like this scene did). It’s on YouTube you if want to watch it…but I warn you its nasty! No link from me on that one.

Did you know I’ve never been to a summer festival…not the Big Day Out, Parklife, or Southbound…how sad of me….oh well.

It’s funny to think how many of Today’s bands have referenced Bob Dylan.

Hmmmmm

I wish I was young enough to jump head first into a pile of stuffed toys. I’m still a child at heart…I don’t apologise for it either.

I love watching people spin out of control of their lives…that’s why I love Lindsay Lohan. Come give me a hug sweetheart.

Addict chic?

Itunes 9 review…they just changed the colours…yay.

I wish I studied Shakespeare at school, stating the bleeding obvious my god that man could write.

If you’re into Hip Hop, grab a copy of Jay Z’s ‘Blueprint 3’ (legal or otherwise) it’s downright unbelievable…what Hip Hop Music should be.

Fuckin hell, back in her day…Kate Cebrano was BANGIN’. But I like Mocha skin…yummo!

Yummo!

Worst Movie ever nomination: Roadhouse (1989)…who wrote the dialogue? They should be shot.

(Facebookers: click the pic and it’ll take you the video on YouTube)

I was just watching this on TV…I love this guy’s style. Adebayo (who is a Soccer Player for those who know nothing about Sports) was traded from English club Arsenal to Manchester City and this was his first game against his old club…he scores a goal for the new team and run to opposite end of the pitch to celebrate his accomplishment with opposing fans…my kinda guy. It’s even better fun with the mental Spanish commentator. GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Facebookers: click the pic and it’ll take you the video on YouTube)

I could never date any woman under let’s say 22 anymore…have you heard the typical 18-20 year old girl speak, it’s hideous! Yes, one-nighters are all good though. Don’t even start me on dudes my age fucking 17 yr old girls…you’re truly disturbed animals.

I had 3 days bed rest recently. I think should have written more than 900 words combined.

I have a HUGE….Headache.

When I was told to get Aroma Therapy…I went and bought a coffee…dunno why people talk about it so much…it’s just coffee….oh…never mind.

Anyone who believes in spirits and crystals and dream catchers…leave me the fuck alone!

Summer’s coming…hopefully I’ll be too.

When I heard the term ‘Gross Income’ for the first time, I thought of something dirty (I was 14 at the time), now when I see my gross income on my pay check…I feel dirty and disappointed.

If I had a girlfriend, she’d hate this blog.

I don’t trust Seals….they’re plotting shit. When they strike, it’s the Seal Clubbers that’ll be first to go…they’re totally fucked!

They're coming....

Karate Kid 2 sucked…a lot! Don’t watch this with Rose Tinted Glasses.

Who wants to be Jack Bauer? I don’t! He’s lost two women he’s loved, been beaten, shot, tortured and been through hell. I’ll be Dexter Morgan thanks.

Errrr....what the fuck!?

Gaga: Maybe she’s proving she’s a girl…as Alice Cooper said…’Only Women Bleed’.

Kanye West did the right thing at the MTV award…not saying Beyonce deserved the award, I couldn’t care less about the MTV award (they don’t either…hopefully). Kanye wins just for taking a microphone off Taylor Swift.

I think I might leave a new subject matter blog idea to the readers….what do you want me to write about?

Anyone feel like killing Telemarketers who ring your MOBILE! Fuck me…there is no privacy anymore. Yes, I know the irony of a blog-writer talking about privacy.

For an end to this blog…I leave you with a song.

*sings a song*

You pick it and sign it to yourself. I’m taking some Panadol.

Regards

Gav

Gav Vs New Vegemite…

I wrote about the sin which is New vegemite….well in the sequel to this.

I have bought a jar of this shit and will now eat it on toast. Yep, I’m trying it before I knock it.

Here’s the culprit…and my opponent.

Now for the taste test…

Here we go….yep not looking forward to this

BLOAW!!!! Game on, Toast!

Taste review: it’s not awful. It’s like Vegemite but without the bitter aftertaste tang. It’s Vegemite light, it’s Midstrength Vegemite, Vegemite for the soft. So I don’t know where the cream cheese in it, It’s basically watered down Vegemite to me and my tounge.

Verdict: Not bad, but it shouldn’t be a regular product in fact I still say Kraft are raping the corpse on this one. But it’s okay. 2.5 stars out of 5.

Regards

Gav

Let’s Dance…ok, YOU Dance…i’ll watch.

I wish I could dance. But alas my body and my love for music just don’t get along. I can jump around and mosh like no ones business and used to be able to break dance a little (no power moves, but knew some steps and was remotely athletic). But getting my groove on, shaking booty, cutting a rug, burning the floor and looking remotely co-ordinated is pure fantasy. Let alone winning the girl.

My best mate, Ben tells me NEVER to dance with the women I pursue because I just look awkward. He is dead on; I know I look awkward because I feel awkward. Shakira sang ‘Hips don’t lie”…my hips say….BAD WHITE MAN DANCING! My strength is conversation when trying escort the ladies to somewhere private.

I look especially bad with some guy pop-locking a storm next to me on the left and natural talented African guy, dancing with his even more talented girlfriend on my right. I’m waiting for “Stuck in the Middle’ to start up for the pure irony. It’s truly a train wreck.

Nope, this is certainly not me...

I try to keep my movement to an absolute minimum. Although my victory dances aren’t terrible (as I was told by my friend once), that dance pretty much is a shrug and shuffle, similar to something you see from Snoop Dogg in the video to “Beautiful”. You can’t do that for 5 hours to “Bonkers” and “Sexy Bitch” in club.

Drop it...I really should just drop it...

I’m no Justin Timberlake. It’s a true shame too. Because it’s common belief that it (dancing well) shows how good you are in bed. Now for obviously purely selfish reasons…I vehemently disagree. I dance like old people fuck; slow and sloppy (thanks again George Carlin). How I fuck is for you to find out…if you single and female under the age of let’s say 35.

Rocking bodies..till the break of day...apparently

Maybe I should blame Justin for his smooth moves on the dance floor, because now every woman wants a man that can dance. I also blame my hatred of dancing and people who can do it well on my 2^nd long-term girlfriend…who was dance instructor. The woman could move extremely well and tried to teach to me…but to no avail (as I refused her attempts on every occasion). She wants Channing Fuckface from whatever dance flick it was and i’m Bill Hicks but not funny.

Yes, I actually know what film I was talking about...

‘Real men, sit, sweat and curse’ – Bill Hicks (in reference to dancing in nightclubs).

I’m usually the guy in the club in the darkest corner, with a drink in my hand, looking surly. Well that’s when I’m not playing with the strobe light in the booth or hitting on some girl…I digress.

Do you suffer the same as I?  Or do you look cool and dance like someone Natalie Bassingthwaite would talk to on TV? Or do you look the next move will break thy hips and snap thy ankle in two?……….sorry I was watching an adaptation of a Shakespeare play on TV. Titus, I think.

Over-dramatic as this is topical blog is, it is a curse being without any form of rhythm. Gav: the man born with two left feet and the dancing co-ordination of someone on Xanax held by strings being controlled by a puppeteer on Meth.

But who can turn down and an attractive woman, motioning for you to join her on the dance floor for a boogie? Damn well knowing, you’re as useless as tits on a bull on this or ANY dance floor, so you hope to hell you can coax her off the floor and to the bar or a couch somewhere. Or drag into you and let her do the work and mirror her movements. This is my plight.

So i’ll shuffle (badly) through life with my dancing disability, hope to hell the woman is dumb enough to sit down with me and chat about life, herself and the possibility of sexual intercourse later that evening, because on the dance floor I’m doomed to fail miserably.

With Elaine-like moves

Gav

Brain Splatter…by ‘The Bear Jew’ (Yes, I loved Inglorious Basterds)

As much as I like you people *cough*… I wish I was driving on a California Road right about now. No need for a blonde bombshell, no starlets. Just me, the sunroof open and listening to Led Zeppelin…picture that…my gift to you.

I hate finding out the woman you were flirting with last night is 17 (thanks Facebook Mobile)…thank fuck I didn’t try anything!

I wonder if there is a guy out there with smaller cock than Lady Gaga? I expect the response of ‘you’ at some point. P.S This is last Gaga penis joke I’ll do…I promise.

For some reason this week, I’ve seen a few too many people bleeding…none of which caused by me.

When I decide to start on this book (e.g. Find the funds to go away for a year and write constantly), who should I dedicate it too? Someone always dedicates their book to someone…I think it should be Rosie Beaton.

Channel V Presenter, Jane Gazzo responds to her fans on Twitter. I wrote about how my mates at the radio station think I’m insane for thinking she is amazing (which she is). She follows me on Twitter now (why I’ll never know). Jane defended herself on my Twitter when I mentioned that my mates don’t think she’s bangin’.

JaneGazzo@GavinCrossley Who says you have strange taste? Not FHM Magazine! They voted me no.24 in their Sexiest Women of the World issue in June!

JaneGazzo@GavinCrossley What am I? Bride of Frankenstein? It is them with strange taste… not you sir.. not you.

Jane you are a superstar. Blog love for you.

Ok you doubted my awesome video from last week….fine. How about this…

NINJAS!

Like I wrote in last fortnights’ edition of the splatter, that I’ve been working like a dog lately, which is why I’m announcing to you that pushing my radio broadcasting shit into the background for a bit while I bust my arse for the fucking road trip. No more radio shows for a while. I need more spare time.

Note to women with engagement rings in nightclubs…hitting on the single guys is not good for your relationship…leave me alone…and handball to your SINGLE friends to me, please.

I find it funny that there are in-depth reviews of Porn films.

Don’t you hate it when you drop your car keys down an elevator shaft…this HAS happened to me!

Boredom is my muse. Keep me busy this blog doesn’t happen. Maybe I need a girlfriend?

You have colon cleansing…why can’t they do brain cleansing…my god I need it.

I listen to too much Dance music…next thing you know I’ll own a fuckin Skyline, with a blower valve (or whatever it’s called), with a sub-woofer in the trunk…help me!

Silly, weird occurrences are creeping back into my life…if my Stalker and The Crow return…look out! Fuck, 2007 was a bad year!

Aren’t you glad that Bec Hewitt stopped making music? Was she supposed to be Home & Away’s answer to Neighbours’’ Delta Goodrem…what a weak response that was.

Isn’t this decade littered with shitty pop acts from Australia? I blame Idol.

Another person that needs to stop is Mariah Carey…don’t get me wrong…I’ve drooled over Mariah since the early 90s (yep, an 8 year boy thinking…shheeeesss pretty)…but isn’t time for her to take a residency at a Vegas Casino like Celine Dion did….good money in it too, Mariah…

Stupid interruptions I was on a roll and I had to go to work…does happen to you?

Stupidest thing I saw on the road this week: A Mercedes Benz with Body Modifications…what the fuck…IT’S A LUXURY CAR…IT NEEDS NOTHING ADDED ON….Fuck Sake!

It was almost this bad…

You know what a fun word to say is…Zoo. Say with me ZZzzzzZZZzzzzooOOOoooooo. See; fun… if you got strange looks from people around you. Don’t blame me.

I’m taking advice from a friend of mine…I will actually write about a subject. Maybe how one man could invade a country and make impact…or about watching boobs bounce…fuck knows.

I’m going to invade Tasmania…they need some strong leadership down there.

I still want to fight a Camel.

Have you realised that they’re playing songs from 1998/99 on the radio now…even on Nova…let’s hope this doesn’t delve too deep into this era…like this song coming back…

Boy Bands, Shit dance music…at least we had no Idol winners or rejects back then.

Chant this on a Sunday Morning at Breakfast…AGB, AGB, AGB, AGB, AGB….speaking of which….

AGB done…

Minus the racism…I’m going to be like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino in 40 years, a miserable, bitter, lonely, grumpy old bastard.

‘Gitoffmylawwwnnnnnn’

To women in nightclubs who grind against my crotch…I salute you.

You mention your worst way you were woken, but I have nominee for ‘worst shit to be woken up by after a big night’. I was woken by 3 successive and ascending levels of shitness…firstly a dog fight in my front yard (Gitoffmylawwwn!), then a Vacuum Cleaner at 8:34am, then to top it off someone playing JOHN WILLIAMSON loud at 10ish. Hey, True Blue…fuck off and die in a fire!

I think it’s sad that they’re are songs out there about their dogs…Country Musicians are mostly the guilty party here.

In a domestic violence case, does any ever think about the furniture…no you don’t…that poor Vase.

If I was willing to come out of my comfort zone, I’d fuck in the street.

Here is my Men’s guide to marriage… avoid it all costs. This is very similar to my guide to children, love and committing to anything with no REAL reward…apart from your shitty job…because that keeps you off the street.

My name is Gavin…and I can’t dance…in fact that going to be topic for my new topical blog…the experience of a white man with absolutely no rhythm or body control…I’m really awful.

I’ve got a second job as a ‘door bitch/amateur photographer/PR boy’ at a local nightclub in my area. I love berating the patrons who whinge about a door charge (it’s nightclub for fuck sake!). My favourite comeback so far:

Dude: Com’on let me in for free for being a nice guy.

Gav: A nice guy wouldn’t ask about getting in for free

*4-5 second pause*

Dude: Fuck, can’t say anything to that

Gav: 10 dollars, sir.

I came a little.

On this note…*plays B Flat* i’m outtie.

Regards and a naughty lil’ spanking…

Gav