East Coast Invasion: Day 4

Day 4:

Nothing happened last night, I read my book and went to sleep. I needed the rest after a brutal day. I got on the road after a quick cruise around Yamba. The place is beautiful it really is. The photos are up on the facebook photo album.

Then was the less arduous trip to Byron Bay. I overestimated the time it would take, I was thinking I was in for another 3-5 hours in the car. The trip only took just under 2 hours.  Took in some gorgeous scenery (check those pics in the Facebook photos), I was infatuated with the place. Until I hit town.

There is nothing wrong with Byron Bay. It was the thing I dreaded most that was to hinder my stay in Byron. Not bad weather, or bogans (close), or even having my room cancelled. It was SCHOOLIES!!!!

I thought they didn’t come to Byron, I thought i’d be safe from scurge of 17/18 year old KIDS! A bunch of screaming, annoying, narcissistic brats, on the drink, trying to ruin my time by their presence. I did the touristy stuff, like going to Lighthouse and getting to my goal for reaching the most Eastern Point of Australia. A warm feeling of achievement washed over me at that point.

I then headed down to the furtherest look out…which in thongs wasn’t the easiest descent. Then I took in another fantastic view. Then I looked up and thought…oh shit! Then climb was brutal! It was a stifling hot day, humid and i’m not as fit as I should be…thus culminating in a tough ass climb. I got my days worth of exercise in the 5 minutes of getting up that hill took. I rewarded myself with an Ice Cream and headed back to the Dorm for a nap.

Post nap, I hit the drink (again). We had an awesome chat with a British couple and a Dutch guy, which went for a good 2 hours. Then I got into something a bit more dressy and hit the town. I was to be rudely shocked by how many fucking schoolies kids there were in town partying. It was a Venereal Rash of post-school kids. I felt like a Toolie, just walking around looking for a meal. After a magnificent Noodle Box (the food in Byron is top notch!). I hit up The Northern where there was the support acts for Stanton Warriors playing at the time…no one was there yet….so I thought..fuck it off and head elsewhere.

I kicked onto Cocomangos  and I walked into a Schoolies party…I was the oldest guy in the room by about 6 years. I got the fuck out of there SUPER quick. Grabbed a Kebab and got a lift from a Bicycle Taxi. Headed to Cheeky Monkeys…hoping for a better crowd. I got more of the same…more kids! I missed the Wet T-shirt comp by about 15 minutes (fuck!)…so I bought a novelty cup instead. I then spoke briefly to some Canadians who were more focused on picking up whatever they could (Toolies much?) then any form of party. Disgusted, I left quickly from there too.

I headed back to the Stanton gig. They jumped on stage…and they killed it. I danced like an idiot (is there any other way?). Smashed some drinks, went home about 1:30am semi-happy…and also thought about how much better the evening could have been without the schoolies kids and more backpacker folk. It kept a lot of backpackers inside, I was  finf out as I spoke to people on the way out for Day Fives’ 9 hour trip from Byron Bay to Newcastle…yep more soon. Escape from Schoolies!

East Coast Invasion: Day 3

Day Three:

Day Three started with a hangover and a shitty sleep, disturbed by construction works across road on some High-rise building. I wrote the Blog you read yesterday, go dress, gave back my sheets, showered and headed out for Coffs…well that’s before I saw a Brochure for a YHA in a place i’d never heard of called Yamba. The hostel was brand new and the town I was to discover later in the day is Australia’s best rated tourist destination. It really is beautiful here.

After saying goodbye to my Canadian friends (the German girls were still asleep so I didn’t bother them) on the road I went. Then the GPS did spastic things and sent me on a wild goose chase and put me in some weird place off the M1 highway, before it worked itself out and got me onto the Pacific Highway again. Not good for a hungover Gav on 4 hours sleep…a long string of curse words were used.

I wasn’t alone though my travel companion/mascot, Sammy Jnr was in tow. I don’t know how a -stuffed seal/good luck charm, can develop a personality but in my driving boredom/insanity he did in the next 8 hours on the road (don’t worry I did have stops for stretching and food and having a piss). I drove through many a country town, watched the landscape change at least 10 times and ate KFC for lunch at Taree’s new Fast Food pitstop thing…the fatty food was a wonderful thing on the Absinthe/Goon/Beer mixture in my stomach at the time. Painkillers were also a major help.

The trip was not without incident, dumb fuck drivers not paying attention nearly killed me 3 times. Twice at high speed trying to overtake me with no room (I could ran them into a tree at that point), and one stupid fucking cow, who stopped for a Pedestrian on a green light for us to let some douche cross the road in Coffs…on the main road. My complete lack of faith in people extends to country drivers now.

When I eventually got to Coffs Harbour and immediately didn’t like it (the above incident with the OVERLY courteous driver didn’t help). After I saw Yamba in the picture, Coffs was disappointing. It looked like a sunnier, better planned Bunbury, don’t get me wrong on my return, two-day trip home on the weekend I will be staying in Coffs, but Yamba just looked so damn enticing. Coffs will have to wait.

This was 3pm in the arvo…I’d been on the road since 930am. But I want to kick on, so I locked in. Then the worst part of trip, at worst possible point (in this boring stretch of bush surrounded road), fatigue FINALLY kicked in. I was a morbid fear of falling asleep at the wheel, because the last time it happened, I nearly died in a car accident. So I locked in and drove as hard and fast as I could to the next truck stop, smashed a V, lollies and a cookie. Then I was good again. Sugar rush fun!

The rest of the trip was a breeze, when the sign for Yamba came up there was a one-man applause from the car, if Sammy Jnr said anything I’d be questioning my sanity right now. As I pulled into town, I knew the trip was worth it.

This place is beautiful, and I haven’t seen the best bits yet…apparently the beaches are amazing. So tomorrow morning, I’ll be hitting up the beaches for a few photos and possibly a quick dip. The hostel is also top notch, brand new, Cafe down stairs, pool and games room up top. If I was rich I’d steal this design for my own house (minus the hostel rooms). This is a good hostel. The people aren’t as cool as Newcastle, but I’m also not very social right now. I’m going to pub later though. This is where Day 3 ends. If anything happens during the nigh worth mentioning then I’ll put it tomorrow’s edition.

East Coast Invasion…Day 1 & 2

East Coast Invasion: Day One

Well my thoughts on the flight were expressed on the last Brain Splatter (Mother Fuckin’ Splatter on a Mother Fuckin’ Plane). So I’ll get on with the rest of the trip once I escaped the horrors of the airport, AVIS Car Hire and the scare with my hire car (not a good start to my trip), I got out into the Sydney traffic. My friend and my bed for the night were going to home and ready for my sleeping for another 6.5 hours at this point (not her fault she was working).

So I ended up cruising around a wet, miserable yet oddly warm Sydney (which the day before had a 42 degree day), I eventually ended up in Parramatta for dinner. I’ll say the Parramatta Leagues Club was great place to have a meal (A Small gourmet Pizza for 10 bucks is nice to say the least). I don’t know why we don’t have these places back in Perth…apart from the cancer which are Pokies funding them, in fact watching these pensioners waste their lives away is truly sad and sickening. Blow up the pokies indeed.

The best part of this place, it wasn’t the marble tiles (impressive), not the hotel-like decor (looked like the 4 star hotel I work in), nor the cheap food (good food at that)…it’s they had a fucking Concierge! No porters though or valets though…park my car, bellboy!

I then caught up with my friend Adelle. We’ve been friends for years, but we haven’t seen each other in person for close to a year, so it was awesome to see her again. A LONG conversation and some drinks later, I got into bed about 2am EST. A good ending to a tough and long day.

P.S. She wanted to steal Sammy Jnr…but more about my Travel Mascot later.

Day Two:

Now to the battle which was, getting the fuck out of Sydney…All I’ll say is that I’m glad I got the GPS with the Hire Car now. It’s only reason I’m still not driving around aimlessly in Sydney right now. What a battle that was. For a place that has 5 Freeways, all with Tolls (don’t start me), all leading in directions I don’t want to go, that fuckin’ GPS was a godsend.

Once I got on the Pacific Highway, it was smooth sailing. The Macquarie River stretch of that road is stunning. Rolling hills, covered by bush and trees…I wish I could have seen more but the weather was still incumbent and visibility wasn’t the best. Two straight days of rain for my first two days on this tour is not the welcome I’m expecting, especially in December…oh well.

I then caught up with my Nan and Pop in a summer riverside (Mother Fucker…*music starts*) town called Summerland Point (try finding it on a map). The GPS proved invaluable again here. Summerland Point is a lovely little place, all though I’ve never seen the place on a sunny day. I spent a couple of hours catching up with my Grandparents, answering questions about my life, my family etc. I love the ‘Nan’ questions about my love life:

Nan: when do I get to meet a girlfriend, Gav?

Gav: I don’t have one, Nan

Pop: Girlfriends, not a Girlfriend?

Gav: I’ll say more of latter than the former.*he says with a cheeky smile*

I think Pop enjoyed that enjoy that answer. Also gave me the most politically correct way of saying, I’ve my share of one-night stand, fuck buddies and short flings, and have found a girl that has taken my breath away. Those girls are always unobtainable or taken. Until I meet that woman, I’m going to play the field. Refer to the Love splatter for my true feeling about this subject.

I left Summerland Point and headed towards Newcastle. More rain, more pretty towns which seemed to mould together after awhile. One place looked like Frankston (the notorious Melbourne suburb)…in all seriousness. I thought I’d driven the wrong way. I then started the sing, my friend Simona’s, adaptation of Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gunna Take It”…called “We’re not Going to Frankston”. I miss Mona’.

About an hour after hour Summerland Point, I ended up in Newcastle. The best way to describe Newcastle is an over-grown Geraldton, with less scummy looking people and a railway. Newcastle: an oversized Port city with heaps of backpacker folk strolling around in funny pants.

I checked in at Newcastle Beach YHA. I can rave about how pretty this building is, but you can just come and stay here. Easy the nicest looking hostel I’ve stayed in. An old building with wooden floors, probably well over 100 years old, Wi-Fi, nice backpackers, the staff are nice and the dorms are HUGE. It’s a lovely hostel, enough said.

I ended making friends with two Canadian dudes, and we went down to the local pub for a YHA sponsored, free Sausage-in-a-bun dinner, and a game of Bingo with a free overnight stay at your hostel as the major prize for the prize. Needless to say, I didn’t win…but I did eat three hot dogs and was already about 4 drinks in by the time we came back to the dorm…for more drinks.

A drunken game of pool later, and many stories of sport injuries from my Canuck mates later we sit down a bunch of German women (5 of them…3 hot), drinking goon. The night got messy from here. We ended up down in the kitchen area drinking the rest of the goon. I told them about the drinking game ‘Goon of Fortune’ they thought I was mad…they had no idea about ‘Hills Hoist’ either. I told them this was a fun way to get smashed if you’re 15 old boy in Craigie.

We drank and drank and drank, then watched my new Canuck mate scull a 1.25L bottle of Goon (somewhat watered down) in a one go. I have video of this…it’s a hell on an effort. After a walk/stumble across town to a 7/11 later we all retired to bed about 2am. A good night and exactly what I was hoping for in this trip. I love the Germans. Especially ,when they’re young and attractive female Germans smashing down Goon.

SPLATTER ON A PLANE!!!!!

Brain Splatter brought to you by holidays…because I’m on mine. MOTHER FUCKIN’ SPLATTER ON THE MOTHER FUCKIN’ PLANE!

Taxi drivers should stop whinging about small fares to me, I’m not going on a joyride with some fruitcake at 4am and being charged for it. A fare is a fare. They always make stupid jokes about…’what about a trip into the city…pretty ladies huh?’, ‘I could make a wrong turn here, you’re too drunk to care’. I’m also still 30-40 IQ points smarter than you in my paralytic state…Trust me I know my way home.

I could be like the rest of the idiots your forced to take home and be a dick to you, assault you (and I can see how some of these idiots get beaten up), or I can do a runner. Shut the fuck up about a 20 buck fare and trying to weasel more cash…its 20 bucks, be happy with that besides my normal Taxi run is literally 6 minutes from my local. Head back to the club and get another 1-2 fares, those drunkards will still be scattered around still. Rant over.

I had a shot call an ‘Irish Car Bomb”, which I tried at an Irish pub last night (a fantastic and mildly inappropriate named shot too). If you do run into run one these things…it’s highly recommended, Even if the chaser is Guinness…

I wanna learn bar work, just so I can pour a level shot…that is a skill.

Nas said ‘sleep is the cousin of death’…I enjoy sleep, so is death like a really good sleep. We’ll find when we die I guess. Heaven is a soft bed perhaps.

When I was a kid, my mum stopped me from playing guitar, even though we took some weird test with hearing tones and I had the best score in the school and they wanted to hand me a musical instrument. I think I would pick up more, if I walked around like John Mayer singing to women. I should have left my ‘Hoop Dreams’ alone and learned Bob Dylan songs.

I just saw that there is a video game named ‘City Bus Simulator’ out in stores. Wow, I’m rushing to buy that one. What do you? Drive the 464 route? Trying not to get stabbed by the junkies and get hit by the occasional rock from a bus stop and be rude to the good people on the bus…yep, I’m going to buy this game tomorrow. Wooooooo! I wonder if there is a cheat for a double decker bus with spinnin’ rims?

Zooey Deschandel is bangin’…nuff said.

 

Destroy!!

 

Splatter on a plane…I believe this is a first for the splatter.

Why can’t someone write a good romantic comedy…maybe I should write one.  With no real danger to the lead couple…just lots of fucking….oh wait that’s porn….moving along.

I don’t think I could work in an office environment. I have trouble sitting one spot normally. The library was bad enough.

The perfect teen sex-romp comedy title…Sex: The Final Frontier. Starring Michael Cera, a nerdlinger loser who is entirely too much into sci-fi, meets a cute nerdlinger girl (Dakota Fanning), they eventually fuck but he comes 2 strokes into it. She leaves him for the quarterback (Keanu Reeves…yes I know he’s way too old for this role…but fuck ya), the nerdlinger he shoots up the school. Rated R; for Strong Violence, Awkward Sex and Dakota Fanning.

 

All grown up...and still fucking annoying!

 

I hate writing something I think is funny on this plane, cracking a smile on a plane is not advised. People think you’re up too no good.

Karaoke should be outlawed.

You’re champagne person, living in a beer swilling world. Say this one to a girl at bar…tell me if it works. I reckon that’s a killer compliment.

That chick from Bones is oddly attractive…what’s wrong with my head?

 

Why...?

 

The news pisses me off, not because of the bullshit going on in the world…just because they consider Britney Spears recent concerts news…pisses me off.

It’s sad that hottest people on the aircraft are not the Flight Attendants…I’ll pass on the Mile High Club for this flight.

Quirky indie films suck….apart from the one I’ve written. But my lead character is a bastard. You’ll love him.

I’m proof that nice guys don’t finish last, the finish towards the end of the field and turn into arseholes to get ahead.

If I can recommend any Perth band to you, I’d suggest someone like My Mad Flow. They’re my favourite new band in Perth by a long way. Their EP is awesome. Check ITunes.

I couldn’t date a porn star. I’d get pretty jealous of those genetic freak co-stars destroying her before I even get home and get a crack at her. Also imagine the premiers of such films, you’d be talking to her industry friends and then the movies starts, the friend is getting drilled from behind while you’re porn star girl is giving another dude a blowjob. That would bother me. Especially if she didn’t do stuff for you that she does in the movie.

I’m wired differently, I know.

I feel bad for my next girlfriend. She going to find about this blog and think ill of me.

Once you get a cool person next you on a flight, you can’t go back. A cheerio to Alana who was the first and still only cool person I’ve ever spoken to on a flight.

I hate morning flights…no alcohol. It’s hard to be on a flight and not drink…pass me the bourbon.

500 Days is the In-flight movie. I think the director had a hard-on for the aforementioned Zooey Decshandel. You can just tell when the director is wanking over his lead actress…watch this piece of shit and tell me otherwise. Fuck these guys do a lot of shots.

Twee, Indie wank!

 

I’m in the emergency exit row; they gave us a short lecture beforehand on responsibility. Like it’s a big responsibility…look if this plane goes down, we will all die, end of fucking story. Fuck the emergency door; I’ll have someone’s hand luggage through my skull and burned to a crisp…that was pretty morbid huh? But let’s have the Flighties say that at the opening of the lecture before take-off. Truth in advertising please!

Now…some child is crying…maybe this Emergency Exit can come in handy.

You know what this flight needs…TURBULANCE!

I’ll end this Plane Splatter with this…flying sucks…not out of fear just out of sheer boredom. I hope you enjoyed my boredom.

With Mile High Love

Gav

Brain Splatter brought to you by sex….because it caused all of us to be here.

How painful was Fred Durst?

Yeeeaahhh Limp Bizkit, whaaaa *automatic gunfire*

 

Heath Ledger is dead, stop talking about him in the media. Dead means he’s gone… shut the fuck up about him. He wasn’t that good of an actor in first place. Yes was a great ‘Joker’, but he was also in ‘10 Things I Hate About You’ and that stupid jousting movie. Don’ start me on the Gay Cowboy movie, he made out with the guy from Jarhead (Bruce Willis kissed a dude…then shot the guy in The Jackal that wasn’t lauded with praise) and mumbled…yay. Jack Nicholson is a great actor not Heath Ledger he was merely getting good. Thank you. Yes I’m Un-Australian.

Another list of animals I would fight (and more than likely lose to):

A Bull

Llama

Giraffe

River Carp

Cow

Angry Gaggle of Geese

Swans

I’m a BIG fan of chaos! Makes me smile.

My kind of scene

Useless Fact about the author: I’ve never been in a real fight…plenty of Martial Arts sparring though…but not since 1998.

Doesn’t the New Zealand soccer team name sound a little racist? The All-Whites. If they start burning crosses on the field instead of something like the Haka we should be very worried. P.S. I don’t think the Kiwi soccer team does the Haka…I doubt the intimidation factor of a soccer Haka.

In the wonderful world of hindsight…HOW THE FUCK DID WORLD WAR 1 AND 2 HAPPEN? What a weird species we are.

Most underrated movie of the 90’s…The Fifth Element.

I haven’t read a book in 9 months…I should correct this. Note: I have three NBA themed books on the way from Amazon.com.

This Twilight shit is truly sad.

‘Bad Medicine is what I need’…I think American Pharmaceutical companies should use this song for an ironic ad campaign. Have a sense of humour!

The next Generation of people (because I’m from Gen Y apparently), is going to be called Generation Alpha…who decides this shit?

Drunks are an interesting lot, because of my work at my local nightclub; I’ve now developed a habit for looking at people’s hands and what’s in them. I do it in everyday life. Paranoid much?

Not all children are cute. Some of them are hideous, bad smelling, little ghouls! I don’t find children cute at all. Never will.

Artist impression of how I see most kids...

Note: Women with annoying voices….remove your voice boxes please. De-bark you’re bitches perhaps? Love is deaf too, I guess.

On the previous point; there is nothing worse than an insanely attractive woman, with a voice like a 28 Parrot, it’s heartbreaking. You’re ‘Hey baby’ (I don’t actually talk to woman like that), and she opens her mouth and it’s like hearing a cat being raped.  Do you walk away? I know I do.

I want a Cattle Prod. I think it’d my work days would be so much more fun. “Gimme a Taxi, now”…BZZZZZZTT.

Such fun...

 

My mother suggested that I would be a good Cop, because underneath all this anger and misanthropy is an unflappable sense of morality. I told her that’s exactly I could never be a Police Officer. She looked disappointed, but she knew I was correct.

Foxtel has a new Movie channel dedicated to Action Flicks…I have new favourite channel. Violent movies for the win!

This could be a good movie...rabid dog football!

 

Free stuff is awesome.

New website idea. You have many bastardisations of YouTube, Youjizz, Redtube etc…Why not GimpTube? I site solely to videos dudes having the shit beaten out of them my Dominatrix’s in Leather and Lace; don’t tell me this would make some form of cash.

Wally had a wierd nightlife.

 

A sure sign of the apocalypse, when you would walk outside of nightclub at 5am, and people are being civilised…I’m yet to see this, I’m used to brawls, blood and people sprawled on the footpath.

STICK OF DEATH!!!

Why is it that I have no faith in people? Oh yeah…because that would leave me sorely disappointed all the fucking time.

Time flies, when you’re overworked.

To those who climb mountains, I respect the effort, skill and bravery you guys display…but you’re fucking nuts! Take a damn Helicopter.

You're mad.

I recently saw a cyclist abusing a driver in the city centre as he was travelling between lights with words to the effect of “Didn’t you see me there you fucking arsehole!?”. I would have side-swiped him into a Taxi. The road is not for you peddle-boy. The argument between the cantankerous Taxi driver and the now even more furious lycra wearing fuckhead would be VERY funny. They deserve each other!

I don’t donate money to charity; I prefer to donate clothes and food. Shit they actually need, not to pay the idiot, screaming at me for money on the streets wages. Fuck him and his shaking tin!

My brain is like a like broken set of traffic lights…and the cop has given up and gone home. The thoughts are left amongst themselves to figure it out what to do next…they never know, collisions often happen, and I come with this nonsense. I love my brain.

Worst part of working a nightclub…watching rat-tailed Bogans, take home hot women…and I’m still working…not fair!

Thanks to a reader, I now know what FML means. This is why I love you people. www.fmylife.com

‘Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that’s a no. FML’

I’m sorry that is pretty fucking funny…why? Because that’s my high school experience there…Well not exactly. I was a weird loner…not much has changed.

Do women even like chivalry anymore? I think doing something romantic would scare a woman away now.

Until next time…

Gav

Brain Splatter…the Post-’loveblog’ edition.

Brain Splatter brought to you by 2012…because it’s seems like everything has a 2012 advertisement on it at the moment. Although I’m going to see the film because I want watch the world get destroyed and not think for 2 hours.

When is Perth going to not look like a construction site?

I'm all for progress...but...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scariest thing about this blog….people read it. Scarier still, I know for a fact the woman I’d like to have as a girlfriend has read this. She’ll never look at me the same again.

I’ll say this again…people who fart on trains should be shamed and thrown off the train and made to wait for the next one.

It’s sad that Dolph Lundgren is still making movies.

 

No botox for this man!

It’s even sadder, that Stephen Seagal churns out about 3-4 straight-to-DVD features a year.

Dog bites man…Man Bites Dog…Dog bites Mans neck in retaliation for mans bite…Man bleeds out.

Best part about a lot of club/dance tracks…you don’t need to learn the words.

I’m never going to watch any of the Twilight movies…just thought I’d make that clear.

I question the sanity of the religious.

Jesus Christ guys...keep they religion to thy self!

 

 

 

 

 

Why does stubbing you’re little toe hurt so damn much? It doesn’t hurt anywhere near the same intensity if I stubbed my shoulder blade or feel on my arse. Nature should correct this!

Can Taxi drivers actually drive…I have my doubts.

Speaking of doubtful…those people who bought ticket to Britney Spears shows feeling they got their monies worth….doubtful indeed.

God damn, I need a holiday.

Is there a better example for the kids than Lindsay Lohan…I think not.

 

Yeah boy...he says...I say...wear protection!

On the point, people like me should be role models…no?… Fine…whatever.

Have you ever driven out to somewhere not lit up by streetlights and looked at the stars for let’s say 3 hours…isn’t it beautiful?

If death is the great leveller what about something like Herpes, does that affect the scales at all.

Can someone explain to me why Drew Barrymore has a career?

Love is blind. Hate has 20/3 vision.

How did I live without iTunes?

I look at a crowd of people and I think how many of them have just days to live…i’m not disturbed at all….

Story Time:

Bad customer service pisses me off. Although I’m know to be a bastard at my nightclub job, it’s usually out of retaliation for drunken stupidity and useless backchat about fees or ID checks, they’re holding the line for other people waiting to get into the club so I think being short with annoying drunks is justified…anyway.

Example of this bad service came when I was paying a fine at a Transperth office…I bought a ticket for the car park and then neglected to put it the window…my stupid fault.

I head into the office at Perth Train Station where I’m ignored at the counter by this bulbous, corpulent, ball of scum with glasses on. I then say.

‘Excuse me, sir. Can I pay a fine here’

He says like I told him he has cancer, his mum died and I fucked his wife in arse without lube all at once. ‘yeh’

I look at this thing and think…’right you rude prick I’m going to be extra nice’.

I fake a smile and make some joke I don’t remember…he doesn’t budge (must have been a shit joke). Just scribbles on his form not looking up. Then put his fat paw out (still not looking up) and makes a ‘gimme’ motion. I put the money in his hand and he abruptly slides the receipt towards me and says coldly and mumbled.

‘Cyamate’

Without thinking I jump right into an impression of his gravelly, spoken-though-the-teeth, mumbling voice.

“Thanksmate”

His eyes narrowed and I walked out the door laughing. Fucking arsehole, where did they find that guy anyway?

THE END

Disclaimer: Unless provoked I’m NEVER rude to customer service folk, I know you, like me have the shit job dealing with fuckheads that infect the planet every day. So I’m going to be lovely to you, unless you’re prick before I even open my mouth or I’ve handed over my goods to purchase, then if you caught me on the wrong day you’re getting both barrels. I hope this is your policy to, dear reader.

A list reasons to lose faith in mankind:

Lady Gaga

Your boss is exactly that

Speeding Fines

Parking Fines

Fines of any kind

Environmentalists

Christians preaching in the street

Romantic Comedies

Reality TV

Britney Spears appearing on the news like she’s actually news-worthy.

Bad Drivers

Taxi Fares

Skim Milk

Rave Pants

Homeless people in a 1^st world nation

Seal Clubbing

This Blog

For a giggle, head to YouTube and look up ‘bulls winning bullfights’, its nature biting back in the most entertaining way.

With so many wankers around, I should start a sperm bank clinic. I’d make a mint!

Ok guys, the jokes over…the Bogan rat-tail thing needs to go.

My dream: To slam dunk on someone. It looks like such fun.

Fuck the ‘Do Not Call” list. Telemarketers need to be outlawed.

Scary nightclub moment: When a woman who could be your grandmother makes a pass at you. Yuck!

When look back on this decade’s pop music…will we cry?

 

A reason to cry

 

I think DJ’s should wear racing silks while mixing.

Does anyone listen to the radio anymore?

By the way, Digital Radio is redundant.

Softcore porn is like getting a blowjob then girl leaving half way through…

I think I would have loved the 60s.’Free love’ sounds fun.

Final point: I promise to never write about love again…until the book comes out….I can’t promise that at all actually….ignore me…enjoy the ‘funny’ stuff until write the next emotive piece of crap.

With stuff

Gav

Love Splatter.

This is a bit of special subject ‘splatter’ about love and relationships that I wrote down one night and edited into a blog. It’s a bit self-absorbed and somewhat dark…but enjoy.

I’ve been away for a bit, because of work commitments. I’m working tirelessly (trust me when I say i’m faking it) and the money is looking sexy in my bank account right now. Alas apart from my work and lack of blogging. Some amazing things have been happening in the in twisted world I live in. My best friends are either having children or getting married and I’m thinking about the unthinkable… I’m thinking about love. *and the readers die*

I’ve previously written about my total atheism when it comes to love (much to reader protest and the loss of friendship). I don’t believe in it, it’s not for me; it’s going to happen to me…I will admit, I would love for it to happen, but it’s just not going to. I trust my gut on more things these days and I know I’m right about this.

Now, I’m thinking about love constantly. I’ve recently met two women who I have actually liked, not just wanted to trade bodily fluids with and put them down as another statistic. I’m talking dating, picnics, romance, laying on car bonnets watching the stars cuddled in blanket, talking shit for hours. I’m dreaming about love every night, in all seriousness. I’m not in love with anyone, but it’s decided to dangle the carrot and say to me…

’Hey Gav this love gear is good for you…even though you don’t believe in it…here it was it looks like…enjoy the show, sunshine’ My Brain is the snake in Adam and Eve now…tempting me with thoughts of happiness, then I wake up.

I’ve even thought about what kind of woman would be a good match for me. What kind of women would be able to make me go Gaga and see that tunnel vision which people in love do? More on that thought later.

Is there such thing? I know there is actually. I see it in my best friend and his fiancé.

They were introduced by my other best friend (who is recently married herself). They met, fell in love almost instantly, she moved in our house a week after they met and never looked back. They’re now engaged, have a bouncing baby boy together and are happy. But is that all love is? Happiness?

What is it we crave and drive us to find love. Is the companionship we crave? The extra body in your bed at night?  A shoulder to lean on? The wonderful picture of waking up next to her, mattered hair, your t-shirt and tracksuit pants and finding it the most beautiful thing ever regardless of her thinking she looks hideous. Is it someone to hear your darkest thoughts and not judge you for them? For someone who considers himself a bit of a loner, these thing seem incredibly farfetched, besides I don’t like telling people about my truly dark inner thoughts, this is ‘Gav’s Brain Lite’. They’re some things which shouldn’t be said, released to the masses. Like the next Lady Gaga album or anything else to do with ‘Fast and Furious’.

Love is blind too. Look at Chris Brown and Rhianna.

Love is certainly not sex; sex can be extension of love. A physical expression of love certainly doesn’t signify love, or does it? Love and sex are closely related in nature. Both can be unbelievably satisfying, mind-blowing experiences, it can also be a task, it can be rough, it can be uncomfortable, and dark. It can be terrible and sometimes for one party, it can be a bore and you lose interest. Is that a good sex life is a good for a relationship? Perhaps. Sex for me at the moment is purely for the enjoyment. I can certainly separate a good fuck from making love.

I tend to think love is finding someone who totally understands you and in the bluntest way possible, someone who you can stand to be around for more than 24 hours straight.

In my case, she’d need to be a patient woman, trust me when I say I’m a handful. The woman to make me believe in love would have to the complete opposite of me. She’d be happy, smart, patient (there is that word again) and beautiful to the core. Could she be a shining light to shine on my dark, sardonic, self absorbed little aura turning me into a loving, gracious, committed man…maybe? Although these blogs would dry up if someone took that away from me. A sacrifice I may even be willing to make.

That’s the scariest part for me, I’ve been in a rut for so many years now, that I may not be able to feel happiness or love and not feel incredibly lost and uncomfortable. Commitment to something new (even if it’s good for me) is not a strong suit of mine.

But for those people who are addicted to the chemical reaction known as love, I know what I’m missing out on. The fact that we humans spend so much time and money on love, i.e. internet dating sites for the desperate and dateless… ladies and gentlemen love is BIG business…ask a florist around Valentine’s Day, if they’re not too busy cutting thorns off rose stems, or counting their V-day profits and rubbing the money on themselves with a sick form sexual glee.

But enough of these pointless, illogical meanderings about something that I’m the least qualified person to speak about. ‘All you need is love, Love is all you need’ John Lennon famously sang…I think I need a drink, a blowjob and a lobotomy actually.

Love

Gav

P.S I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Brain Splatter brought to you by THE STICK OF DEATH!

Best part about Halloween…you can dress like an idiot, act like an idiot and most people don’t know who the fuck you are…complete anonymity is amazing fun!

 

See, I can have fun too.

 

A tip for my enemies (I don’t have any that I know of…but whatever): If you wanna ruin my day, show a girl I’m after this blog…she’ll never speak to me again.

I love that I created another term for people to use. ‘Meno-cow’ has become popular among my readers and friends. Spread the word…like Herpes.

Pop culture never ceases to bore me. Ripping on it seems like I’m doing God’s work.

Test Cricket is better than Baseball…fact!

Slap someone…you’ll enjoy it. Just don’t slap me.

Sexual tension is no fun…so if you’re single, female and attractive…you can definitely take it out on me…no slapping though.

Organising interviews through Twitter for my upcoming return to radio broadcasting is painful. I have so much information to throw at this person for the interview…yet I have 140 characters to use…facebook for the win!

Is it me is absurd and dark, cutting humour the glue of my life?

 

There is a reason why this mans thoughts speak to me and not much amuses me.

If someone says you’re drinking too much at a bar, snatch and drink their drink in a sculling gulp and say in your drunken slur ‘I’m a martyr, god dammit!’. I think this would fuck them up for about 35-37 minutes.

Someone asked how I describe myself in one word…3 seconds of thinking later I said “Sardonic”. I think I made them run for the dictionary.

There is nothing wrong with triple-pun intellectual humour; I’m not dumbing my jokes down.

To those that don’t have commitments and a social life…I miss that feeling of solitude and freedom, can we swap?

Note to people in elevators: wash or wipe your arse! Deodorant helps too by the way!

Okay, who the fuck was it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard work is not duly rewarded; your parents lied to you!

I have the semi- fortunate position of having a job I do and a job I like. Best of both worlds…one also makes me appreciate the other.

God bless spell check.

I don’t get people who care about the company they work for…you’re an expendable cog in their money making machine. You’re easily replaced and you’re not getting what you deserve.

I’m not cynical…I’m just askew to the programmed point-of-view. I also dislike euphemisms…note the contradiction in the previous sentence.

You know the mystique in your relationship is gone when you can hear your girlfriend go to the toilet.

I highly recommend ‘Sumo Salad’…now that I’ve given you a free plug guys…I want free food!

Can someone tell me why we are actually charging people for milk? I don’t think cows see any of that money.

If these guys had any sense...they'd be pretty pissed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Punch an emu!

Reason to have a girlfriend #425: Waking up next to her, with her mattered hair and in her trackies is one of the hotter, more beautiful things to see in the morning.

Note: I don’t have a girlfriend…but that should be PLAINLY obvious.

It’s not true that ‘you can’t get something for nothing’. Look at what big business and government does while we toil and work until we die for them…I’m pretty sure they’re doing fuck all and gaining everything!

There is anti-establishment slant to this blog this week isn’t there? I should watch Fight Club less.

STOP BREEDING!

 

Useless fact about the author: I can’t touch my toes while stretching.

ANOTHER Message to the career minded: bahahahahahahaha Lighten up you sad fucks…bahahahahahhahahaha. Thank You.

Is it okay to kill your customers at work place? It’s not!…ummm, then what do I with this twisted looking chap over there…not to mention the blood.

 

I can feel this building to something…probably an orgasm.

I’m waiting for the weekend…hurry up, fuck ya!

Have you realised that everything cool you’ve ever wanted to say, has been said better by someone cooler than you. That shits not cool.

Semantics are more fun than poo jokes…try fucking with someone’s head over- using logic. My god it’s fun. As for dick jokes…nothing beats dick jokes. STICK OF DEATH!

I want to kick any male Australian Idol contestant in the balls…call my service to music.

If I was any other nationality I’d be Swedish.

 

enough said...

 

Imagine if my imagination was reality. God help you all.

How did I live without facebook?

Qualifications need to be a telemarketer/phone operator for pretty much anything. Be annoying, have no phone manner what-so-ever and be a complete fucking moron. Wow, you’re all those things…you’re hired! Here’s a headset.

 

That means YOU cocksucker!

 

Reason to have a girlfriend #425: They smell nice

Who watches Home & Away? Seriously.

For those that dressed up for go to Melbourne Cup, I have one question…why?

Is too soon to make Michael Jackson Child-Necrophilia jokes?

This is not It! There will be more remix CD’s, bootlegs, TV specials, T-shirts, Tribute tours, Covers, 3 different ‘Best of’ collections to come. Let’s not even mention Box sets of Michaels back catalogue.

I’m not a cynic, you’re just naive.

Who finds themselves wanting to have middle-aged English actresses like Emma Thompson or Kate Winslet? Nope…errr carry on.

I haven’t stumbled on a new TV celeb in months I’ve wanted to fuck. I have to stop watching the sports channels, I think.

Worst career move for me: School teacher…imagine my morals being installed in your kids. A bunch of sarcastic, angry, disobedient, misanthropes…Disney would hate me forever!

Question what you read. Including this shit.

I really hate Seagulls. I’ve decided that they suck.

Yes, that means YOU too!

 

I remember the days when kicking a stone down the road for a good 2 kms was a fun activity walking home from school. No Ipods when I was a kid, dammit.

I talk to myself all the time. I’m the only person whose opinion truly matters to me.

Who thinks Judd Apatow movies are pretty average. I do.

Environmentalists need to, go to nature and stay there.

I’ll finish with this thought: I wonder if Indigenous folk feel disgusted on Australia Day when we celebrate the Invasion of their land with Southern Cross tattoos, fireworks and flying flags on utes (The BBQs and Hottest 100 get a pass). I know I do.

Regards

Gav

Brain Splatter brought to you by anger…the muse of Gav.

I love it when people call me odd…within about 3 minutes of knowing me…it’s also hurtful…but we’ll keep that secret…oh…moving on.

True Fact: George Carlin is my hero.

Before I do the silly/angry stuff. I’ve been thinking about the book lately. Your thoughts…should I just go for it and do it next year. Or save and make sure I have at least 10-15 grand before I even start? Let me know…seriously.

Here’s a list of things I like….ummm….eerrrm….I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

I love walking home drunk. It’s such a wondrous adventure, the blurry stumble of a drunken man walking through semi-abandoned car park and train station at 6am…having the surly Transit Guards look at you like some form deviant as the sun feels like it’s moved into Earths atmosphere and is paying attention solely to burning your retinas. Then it’s to hoping into a taxi and copping an unwanted bunch of stories about drunks and the driver’s bad night…fun stuff. Then (no and then!) getting home and having the dog next door bark for 4 hours…this is how serial killer get their start I’m sure.

I like American Football. It’s Roided up genetic freaks, belting the shit out of each other and lots of yelling, posing and other silly shit. Also the pre-show intros are insanely over the top (Country Music, Cheerleadesr, lots of CGI Grindiron Helmets Flying around and EXPLODING on the screen). 32, 23, 99 HIKE!

BLOAW...WOOOOOOOO YEAH BABY!

New Rule: Motorcyclists should get their own freeways. I’m sick of this: You’re driving along nodding your head to something on the iPod you like, and then you hear this shit…. ZzzzzZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn, Some dickhead on a Ninja Bike flies past at 234km per second. I wonder what the life expectancy of these morons is. 12 months? 3 years? 2 days? No wonder surgeons call these fuckers ‘Temporary Citizens’. Valentino Rossi these boys are not.

Whoopsie!

Young men in nightclubs are not the problem for me…you know who the worst people are to deal with in clubs. Middle aged women who can’t handle their drink. Stay home meno-cow!

Best part of being a loser…no one expects much of you.

This blog proves I’m at the end of moral thought. Only downhill from here.

True fact: You’re soul is owned by Coca-cola.

20/20 cricket is actually pretty fucking boring. I prefer Test Cricket…more brains involved. Don’t start me One-day cricket…snore!

Semi-true fact: Itunes owns my soul.

Parking Tickets need to outlawed, Parking Inspectors need to be shot.

I don’t do it. But fuck it…legalise Pot and Magic Mushrooms. All drugs will fuck you up eventually prescription, illicit or natural. The Oz government can do what the Americans do. Capitalise on our declining health as we smoke, medicate and eat ourselves into an early grave. McDonalds and Eagle Boys would be licking their lips at the thought of the stoners storming through the doors after a session looking for something to eat. I say have government controlled stores selling Mary Jane like they do in Amsterdam and use the profits to build roads and universities (where you’d get BIG business).

Imagine how quiet clubs would be! No glassing, no fights, just philosophy debates and insane amounts of giggles and pizza deliveries. The places to be would be stoner clubs, with The Doors, Cypress Hill and Pink Floyd as the soundtrack. Shit, I’d go for the music alone! A Cash cow in the making, Ruddy!

Magpies and Crows are plotting to kill us. Watch the skies…

If birds got their way...

I was told to go Istanbul but not Constantinople…

Who else is over that “Sexy Bitch’ song?

Here’s how I tan: Burn, Pink, Peel, White. Anglo-Saxon skin, for the Loss.

It’s really sad, that even with my best friend nurturing a new born; I’m the ONLY person not getting all clucky. In fact Kids to me, on the most part smell, scream, cry and ruin a perfectly good day. Barring my best mate’s kid…if you have kids, I don’t want to talk to, hold, or babysit them. I have better things to do…like eating my own face.

A list of shit things about summer:

Bogans at the beach.

Southern Cross Tattoos (usually attached to the same bogans)

No Football on a Sunday Morning

Hot Nights and No Sleep

Women pay no attention to a guy who can’t tan and looks like a British Tourist at the beach. I’m like a fucking mirror!

Children EVERYWHERE!

Bushfires

Flies

Mosquitoes

One Day Cricket

Christmas

Global Warming sounds fun doesn’t it? Like a permanent summer holiday…underwater.

On that point, Tasmania would suddenly become a good tourist destination…

Tasmania in 50 years...

Perth is trying to copy Melbourne so much that’s stolen its weather. Fuck it’s weird over here right now.

True Fact: Ladyhawke sounds like Belinda Carlisle.

Leave Wrangas alone!

I had some 16 year old girl ask me out at some traffic lights from a party bus. She barely flinched when I said I was 25. Thank fuck the lights went green.

I haven’t yelled at Religious freaks in the city for a while…I’m very proud of myself.

If people are cloning their dogs, let’s go all out and do a ‘Jurassic Park’. I want a pet Raptor!

SICK EM REX!

I was at TimeZone on the weekend, killing time. One complaint…No NBA Jam! Com’on…NBA Jam was the best game EVER! I wanna light up some bad NBA Teams from 1994. Take THAT Dallas Mavericks

Anyone remember Rocko’s Modern Life? That was a good fuckin’ cartoon!

Poor Rocko...he had traumatic life...

Where have all the good movies gone?

Gav’s reasoning to help you quit your job and become a hermit (note: these are socially irresponsible and possibly untrue):

You’re soul is being destroyed while you getting butt-fucked (symbolically of course) for paycheck which is bare enough to survive…okay this actually true!

You don’t need workmates do you?

You would be better off sitting in a commune singing John Butler songs

Who needs a nice car and hot girlfriend when you can have a bath in a lake and have a girl friend with hair in her armpits…and on her chin.

Fremantle Markets need you, man!

How are going to find time to learn the sitar?

The UFO’s are waiting.

Because 69’ was the shit, yo!

9/11 was inside job.

JFK was killed by the banks, man. They’ll kill you too!

Surfing is good form of exercise.

It’s the Nimbin dream.

You secretly like John Williamson.

Dreads look great on white guys…ask Newton Faulkner.

It’s only way to escape the Veronicas.

How did Vanessa Amorosi rescue her career 10 years later? Someone answer that for me please.

To those that believe that Bottled Water is from Natural Springs…baaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha *breathes* bwwwwahaahahahahahahahahahaha. Thank You.

Fuck Hope!

Oh, to be a sociopath…wouldn’t that be great…what?

Words to live by: Travel Light.

With bruises in naughty places…

Gav

The return of…BRAIN SPLATTER…

Yes, it’s been a long time. I’m a busy man. Have a full social life and prefer the company of woman to my PC…sorry everyone. Without further wank…

Time for the….BRAAAAAIIIIIIIN SPPPPLLLLLLAAAAATTTTTTEEEEERRRRR!!!!

Writers Block is a form of constipation.

Attacking people is not only fun but therapeutic …attack a random bystander. Just hope they don’t know Mixed Martial Arts.

Imagine dating this woman!

I think bad parents should be executed in the street. I know this will upset some people including the kids of the now dead Mum & Dad but we need to make example of these people….okay, too severe. How about we burn their Volvo SUV’s? Better? Cool.

I love happy endings…and I don’t mean the ‘Lion King’ kind.

When I saw the title for Snow Patrols “Chasing Cars” I thought it was about the favourite activity of dogs with mental issues…alas I was bitterly disappointed.

I met Kate Miller-Hidke a couple of days ago. I wish I knew who she was at the time, I would have yelled at her for “Last Day On Earth”…that god damn song has been in my head for 12 days now…AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! By the way…Kate herself is lovely.

I love summer music festivals, lots of idiots to laugh, the bouncers aren’t complete bastards and I love watching people trying to jump fences and getting stomped in the process. Yep, I’m siding with the security staff here.

What’s all the fuss about ‘Packed to the Rafters”…it’s shit. When will people learn?

I hope to see this one day, guy walking along the street, wearing a “Random Breast Tester” tee. Girl on her ‘time of the month’ and one day past a break up, she sees this guy. Walks up to the guy…and kicks him in the nuts. I think we need some random acts of violence which are semi-funny.

I think I should make a Twitter account solely to make the most inane/insane Twitter statements I can think of…like something like this…

“Cooking toast and listening to my GF whinge…WTF!”

Then writing “stroking my penis and calling it Max LOL’.

Then I’d write something like… ‘Sharpening a Pencil…. TTYL’

Then it’d all be building towards this…

“Burying my GF, the bitch wouldn’t shut up about the toast and my penis stroking…I stabbed her with the pencil 236 times and burying her in the pines…with the pencil, now the pencil is going home to nature LMAOROFL”

I’d have millions of followers for that stupid shit. I’m sure some would be police but hey, I’m not picky with who follows me on Twitter.

You can see why I don’t have a girlfriend…

I wonder if any Welder has been called an ‘Oxy-Moron’ before…a cutting and clever insult.

Every tradie has to have a sex pun slogan...

Gav’s hair brained solutions to solve to obesity problem #23: I think those that have no social life and sit around playing video games should be given conjugal visits. I think they’d stop playing PS3 pretty fuckin’ quick. Plus it’s a form of exercise.

Put down the controller, big boy!

I wonder who coined the term ‘A roll in the hay” and did they have a rash after?

I think you need a hug….*HUGS*. Happy?

nawwwww

On the subject of physical affection. I think someone should run the social experiment of walking around in their city with a shit cardboard sign saying ‘Free Blowjobs’…I think you’d get more interesting clientele than those ‘Free Hugs’ idiots. Also, i’m not trying this…just for the record.

Ya mum!

Ya Distant 3^rd Cousin, who is kind of cute, but modern society frowns on that kind of thing…., barring Tasmania.

Imagine if this was the 3rd cousin...hmmmm

Pull your own damn finger.

Instead of ‘Talk like a Pirate Day’…how about we have ‘Talk in Double Entendre Day’…that to me is MUCH more interesting. Imagine that at the supermarket counter. “Wanna bag my celery, baby?”

Society needs a kick in the arse. I’m shining my shoes right now…call me when you need me.

I think we should update the ‘Call someone who cares” line to “Text, Tweet or Facebook someone who cares, LOL!”.

I don’t trust Emus.

Not to be trusted

Let’s put the Mosquitoes on the endangered species list…com’on everyone start the genocide now!

I think it’s sad that I’ve softened over the years. I used to hate Hamish & Andy…now I love them. I like dance music now and scariest of all, I’m thinking about a threesome with The Veronicas…next I’m going to watch network TV in prime time. At this point, I should be killed!

You've thought about it too!

Who told country musicians they’re allowed told have a fruitful career…there is no justice.

I think a cool Metal band name would be ‘The Gretel Killeen’s’. Pantera ain’t got shit on that name. Brutal!

1st album cover?

Worst part about summer…seeing those stupid Southern Cross tattoos…

I wrote a line that I know would upset people…it was meant to be here. But alas good taste prevailed. Now can someone do that ‘Good Taste Prevails’ thing to the WHOLE of Channel 9 Programming?

I wonder if anyone who sniffs paint is also a Graffiti writer.

‘Birds of a feather flock together’ is a racist term for birds! Corellas like Turns, Turns also like the companies of Budgies, 38 Parrots and Pelicans. No one likes Crows though, they’re fuckheads.

Eagles just don't like anyone either...including each other.

Imagine if we weren’t on top of the food chain…how much more interesting would life be?

Fuck the Melbourne Cup!

Go Horsie, Go! *snores*

I miss climbing trees. But if I were to do that now…people would think I’m up to no good.

If walls could talk…I’d get therapy.

Have you ever been caught talking to yourself…I keep going. It’s bound to be a better conversation than what they have to say.

Smile sweetly at a Policeman in Northbridge…see what happens.

Pleasant thoughts…I’m thinking about soft, loving sex with Anne Hathaway…what are you thinking about?

Could you imagine me writing this blog on Peyote?*puts that down on the list of things to do*

A handjob actually seems like a lot of work.

A good name for a porn sci-fi spoof (double pun intended). ‘Anal Sex: The Final Frontier’.

Time for me to end this with this…*pelvic thrust*

With hickeys…

Gav