Brain Splatter brought to you by stuff and things…

Anyone who asks for anything “Gluten Free” for should think about where their life is going. Gluten Free food is a con, and anyone who is Lactose Intolerant needs to harden up….and sit on the toilet.

Channel 7…it’s sinful that you put on the Iron Man competition (when was that relevant?) and then a shit movie…when everywhere else that loves footy is watching Collingwood Vs Western Bulldogs or something…disgusting…for how much you payed for the AFL…show me two games on a Sunday, thank you.

In a week where Perth had the ‘worst storm in 50 years’ (which lasted all of 25 minutes for the record), America gets some health care reform and the footy returns to my life…here’s my one question…’where the bitches at?

Bllllllat!

I wonder where I’d be if I didn’t have Podcasts?…probably in a ditch with a bottle of Jim Beam Black.

I love walking through market areas; I wonder where the fuck do they find this crazy shit? Who manufactures these little plastic knick nacks, rather authentic looking automatic weapon toys and the weird cheap stuffed toys? Who makes that sitting whale/pan pipe music you hear at some of these new age stands with smelly oils and homemade shit you don’t want nor need?…and who buys enough of this shit that it needs to be made in the first place?

Example A...

Everything is for sale…including me…how much are willing to pay for me…seriously?

I know the phrase “no one likes a sad-sack”, what does a happy sack look like? Maybe sacks are just genuinely unhappy with being a sack…what comes in a sack really? Balls, dirty vagrant clothing and potatoes. I reckon being a sack would suck…but that’s just me.

My god I wish I was still on the Gold Coast, with a drink in my hand and a woman in the other…end of fucking story.

You know what I hate about Easter…actually Easter doesn’t bother me much…moving on.

I think we should the throw book at Catholic Priests would fondle young boys…like that Big fuck-off bible they read from…and throw it from top of the Church onto their heads….if God isn’t smiting these cunts, then we should.

I like the idea of becoming a recluse.

Minus the cigarette and look like James Deans...this works for me.

I hate commercial for Old People Villages…Imagine that…fun and socialising (Bridge games and gossip)…coupled with Arthritis and Death. God please, let me die young.

Cyclists are back on the agenda of people who need to lined up and shot in the genitals. Especially these cocksucker bicycle couriers, who think the middle of the road is where they belong…you don’t belong there fucktard! You’re the cause of traffic jams, the scum of my driving life and need to be eliminated from the gene pool immediately.

How hard is it to get a Taxi from a Rank 350 metres down the road the front of hotel?…I don’t get these Taxi operators and the drivers who take a job to pick up someone from a hotel front when they’re a good 12 minutes away from the front of the hotel…when the guys in the rank 350 metres down the fucking road are talking about the last fare they raped.

Taxis are one of the biggest cases of daylight robbery in the economy. Having some illiterate, potting mouthed, halfwit with a breathing disorder and breath that would kill a dog, drive me to the middle of nowhere to try and put me in a shallow grave is not a service…its theft and possibly murder and rape…in that order.

Stern Hu gets no sympathy from me…you fuck around in someone else’s country and break their laws…you deal with their punishments…the same goes for the Bali 9 and Shappelle Corby.

Someone tell me why Formula 1 gets TV coverage?

Best part about doing a radio show on Community Radio…most of the time you have no boss. Play your ‘Sponsorship Announcements’ and behave on the mic and you’re mostly left the fuck alone to play good tunes…why would I ever go back to commercial radio?

Watching Cricket outside of summer seems un-natural. Take IPL for instance…it’s a competition with NO soul…fuck watching that shit! Australia playing any other Test series from the Ashes overseas…snore! Or anything else outside of the Channel 9 stuff, during the summer…cricket is an after-thought at best from March to November.

Even this chick looks bored...

I’m thinking of re-writing ‘Waiting for Godot’ in Modern Slang for film…basically for those who have never heard of the play. It’s two dudes sitting on the side of the road talking shit for over an hour…there’s a cameo from another guy midway through ‘the plot’ (could be some cool celeb from whatever). Don’t tell me this wouldn’t go over well with the Indie kids. Just mention The Smiths or Bob Dylan or something at some point.

As for the hat emptying of the boot or the other guy checking his shoe every so often, one guy can check for his Mobile Phone for coverage and never find it and the other guy will start listening to his Ipod selfishly, while the guy with the shit phone coverage will get mad. I think this the best idea for a while…I’ll watch this over ‘The Bounty Hunter’ or some shit Rom-Com anyday.

If we’re having so many re-makes happening at the moment…I think a new ‘Empire Records’ needs to be made. The new plots revolves around the death of CD stores to Itunes…but this time the store actually goes out of business. Maybe Warren can actually shoot someone this time too.

Post-Modernism is rampant in Dance Music right now…when people are covering ‘Your Woman’ by White Town from 1997 in 2010 with Wiley rapping on it to make it sound somewhat different is when we are totally without ideas…sad.

Regards and Anger

Gav

Brain Splatter…brought to you by DVT

I remember the reason I don’t fly Virgin…I should say reasons. Tiny seats, much more cantankerous passengers, you pay for food…the fact they charge you for a TV dinner is actually insulting. Furthermore, if you’re not a member of the ‘Velocity’ Club they try to charge you 35 bucks to use their lounge…utterly atrocious. There better be a blowjob waiting for once I get in that door. 35 bucks…fucking hell!

Because i’ve been on holidays all my thoughts have been on Pussy and Alcohol. I don’t apologise for this.

This flight needs one thing….TURBULANCE!

I think they’re should be a totally separate airline for people carrying children. Not everyone wants to hear they’re babble, crying and puking. We’ll call this Airline…Fresh Air for young singles. Don’t tell this wouldn’t work…because it would!

Congratulations to those who made Hurt Locker, common sense prevailed and Avatar didn’t win everything…Avatar is visually stunning and took movies in an exciting new direction but it wasn’t the best film of the year. Christopher Waltz was a LOCK for the Best Supporting Actor in Inglorious Basterds it’s the best acting performance I’ve ever seen in years…Tarantino now has an Oscar attached to a movie…scary.

Mr.Waltz as The Jew Hunter...a polite monster...speaks 4 languages...what a performance!

I don’t think i’ll be flying again this year…unless someone hands out some hard drugs.

Kalgoorlie is not that far from being underneath us on this plane…my kingdom for a nuclear payload.

By the time you’re finished reading this sentence you may have realise this thought never really occurred and you just read a complete waste of words.

I remember why I didn’t go to Oz Hip Hop shows anymore…Sausagefest! Fuck the music, where are the women at? This logic doesn’t apply to be dragged along to a Lady Gaga show…no straight male would go to a Gaga show voluntarily.

Must...not...kill!

I’m sick of the pre-season…start the fucking Footy already!

I don’t trust GPS units.

EEEEEEEEEEEVVVVILLLLLLLL!

I really don’t want vote in this upcoming for anyone…Christ…Rudd or Abbott…it’s like watching the retarded kids fight at school…actually that would be infinitely more entertaining!

I know it’s common knowledge but when I can of coke is cheaper than water, we’re fucked as a culture.

I saw a poster for a move called Kick-Ass…which featured some guy looking a Power Ranger…what the fuck is this about? Check the video….fuck yes!

I’m not an elitist but I do think you’re below me. Scum.

You know I miss in movies…Heather Graham. Yum Yum!

De-fucking-stroy!

I’ve thought more during the space of the writing of this Splatter than average Bogan does in a week. FACT!

These blogs are such a waste of your time but they keep me from taking control of the plane though.

What is the scarier weirdo guy…the guy who can kind of/almost carry a normal conversation but you get that sexual predator vibe from or the guy who says weird shit and try to hit on anything with heartbeat and never even gets close. Who’s going to commit sexual assault first? Or randomly stab someone in a club? What do we do with these people? How they come about in first place…i blame the parents. Wow…I need a drink!

Charm gets you nowhere. Trust me I know.

Imagine me with LOTS of money….scary thought huh?

I love hearing Country Commercial Radio’s ‘Hamish and Andy” copies…it’s truly Pathetic. ‘Buddy and Charlie’ driving you home and pretty doing everything Hamish & Andy do… but poorly.

Speaking of radio: Dools on Nova…Triple J fans rejoice! Robbie Buck on ABC NSW talking to the oldies…now for Richard Kingsmill to move on…the only way THAT guy is leaving JJJ is in a box. That’s probably the same with Rosie…and I don’t blame them for that. Definitely one of those unfulfilled fantasies…*cuts wrists vertically*

Adelaide’s BIG attraction…”We’ve got Pandas”. Pandas and Wine in Adelaide…wow. I’m falling over myself to go to Adelaide. That’s like Perth saying we have Black Swans and the Freo Dockers…actually those ARE Perth’s attractions…

YOU ARE INSANE FOR READING THIS!

If I wasn’t Australian i’d want to be Canadian. I love those crazy Canucks.

SLAP THE GOON!

SLAP THAT SHIT!

I finally went to Nimbin and found myself feeling dirty. Does this mean i’m right wing?

I wonder would Bill Hicks would say about the world circa 2010.

The man.

Best part about my holiday. I reckon I spoke to about 100 people all week…that’s about 1900 less than normal. Fuck, it was beautiful to have space.

Every time I fly, I think of Fight Club. Tyler Durden would be a great “Single Serving Buddy”.

We are all singing, all dancing, crap of the world...

I wonder how many case of Flight Rage have been on Virgin Flights. I feel like strangling the family in the row in front of me. Trust me; I’d be doing the world a favour.

I’ll end this Splatter with *shoots himself in head*…well that would splatter anyone’s brain…*dead*

With Love and concerning amount of suicide jokes

Gav

Gav’s Belated Winter Olympics Review…

Ok,

Winter Olympics, we’re about a week in. Here are some thoughts.

Figure skating: I understand the athleticism, balance, skill and
precision involved in this activity, but this is not a sport. Prancing
on ice is not sport, it’s really fancy prancing with ice skates on.
The pairs stuff is best described by Mick Molloy…”beautiful women
being thrown around by gay men”.

Luge: best way to describe this activity. Sitting on plastic plate
with knives on the bottom of it and fly balls-first down the ice chute
at 150kms per hour. This is a sport just due to sheer guts and clear
lack of self-preservation needed to compete in this event. Man shit!
Even from the women who compete in this INSANE sport.

Skeleton: see above paragraph then go head first down the track. This
is just fucking nuts. A sure way to die…and think about it was a
Luge athlete who died in this event a week ago. Think about the
apeshit mentalcases who do skeleton!

Snowboard anything: a bunch of duuuudes going downhill fast and
getting sick air. Super cool spectator sport. Another way to die and
the half pipe is a clue into what mind set is needed to be a
snowboarder.

Whoaaaaaa!

Curling; hahahahahaha in all seriousness. Wow, who thought this up.
I’m picturing a group of drunk Nordic blokes thinking of shit to keep
them sane during the long cold winter. These guys are in an ice rink
after an ice hockey game and have a broom lying around, a large rock
and lots of Spare time. A few hours later of hysterical laughter and more beer,
curling was born.

Ok...the women are decent too..

Womens downhill: why just womens downhill? Because this had attrition
rate of war proportions. Every second skier was going down and hard. I
was watching this in a group at work. The noise of
“oooOOOooooooooooooo” was echoing through the building as people went
down. Cut throat sport. Compelling viewing.

Bobsleigh: well the highlight was the Australian two-man bob sliding
the whole way down….UPSIDEDOWN! This would have been harrowing the
right way up sliding down an ice chute at 100km an hour is not my idea
of a good time.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Other notes:

Ice hockey is a man’s game. Why is this not big in Australia?

Torah Bright…de fuckin stroy!

YeeeAAAAHHHHH!

Eddie McGuire should be kept very far away from the next Winter Games.

I love the Ice Hockey Gold Medal. Watching the USA lose in a
heartbreaking fashion. 3 to 2 in Overtime!!!

Bring on these Games in 2016…in Russia. Nuclear powered, oil tycoon
filled action. Chechen rebels should stay the fuck away.

Until the next time. With golden snow angels…

Gav

2010 East Coast Invasion…Days 5, 6 & 7

Day 5:

On the road I went after the disappointing night in Byron (the 2^nd one too)…After a lengthy drive through half of NSW, stopping for food once and of course a couple of piss breaks. I arrived in Port Macquarie. Not before this exchange with some dickhead petrol station guy.

Petrol Guy: What pump, mate?

Gav: Errr, the one with the Suzuki Swift…(most staff normally will take a quick look and work it out…he kept pressing buttons)

Petrol guy: what one, mate…(once again, bearly looking up)

Gav: the pump with small Suzuki next to it. (it was the only small car there out of the 4 pumps all being used by Utes and Landcruisers)

PG: That doesn’t help (giving me a dirty look)

Gav: Right…the one with 40 bucks on it (hoping that would help)

*quickly interrupts*

PG: 43.78 (nope it didn’t)

Gav: Here’s my card. (Giving up)

Fuck sake, I though country folk were nice!

Apart from that, I thought today was going to be a reasonably drama-less day.  WRONG! When I had checked in and sat down in Port Macquarie hostel (which is just a refurbished house), I thought…lets book the Sydney accommodation now…in fact fuck this, let’s go to Sydney tomorrow.

I get the YHA chick to ring up for me (it’s part of the service they provide, they can book your next YHA stay where ever it may be in Oz)…and they said pretty everything hostel related was booked out this weekend including ALL of their dorms and such in Sydney. Shit!

My heart sank, my blood pressure rose…I felt a little sick (which was the start of a head cold, actually). Where was I going to stay?…I haven’t got enough for a hotel in the city…and I refuse to stay in 15 buck-a-night hostel where i’m likely to be raped by bed bugs…literally.

3 minutes of quiet panic set in as I sat down and though…Where do I go? I have no place to stay under 150 a night…fuck!

Then it dawned on me like a morning blowjob. Why not go back to Goldie and take my flight home from Brisbane…so a few phone calls later…and it’s arranged. It’s a welcome return to the Gold Coast for 2 nights of drunken fun and maybe a trip to Seaworld, as well. Somehow this near-tragedy how turned into potentially the best weekend ever. I’m tired as…so bed awaits me for a long sleep before 7 hours of driving *buzzer* tomorrow back to my new favourite place in the world. Hello Surfers…i’ve returned with hugs and love…and  now a head cold…fuck!

Day 6:

Well, it wasn’t as easy as ‘Hello, Surfers’. More like my head cold kicked in, humidity was above 80% and it was 7 hours in a car with no IPod dock (the worst part)…so I listened to ABC Radio and JJJ the whole way there. It’s the first time I’ve listened to radio for more than 10 minutes in 12 months. Podcasts took over for me…so all the commercials and shit music disappeared out of my life. It was hearing the Robbie Buck is now presenting on ABC NSW…

I stopped several times due needing to piss, as I was going to polish off 2 litres of water during the next 7 years. Add in a coke and an ice coffee and a pie that was what consumed during a LONG LONG drive.  The dash, seemed to go forever due to me sniffling and feeling pretty average during the whole drive, regardless of how many drugs I was on during this run.

I keep the air con off at all times too. If was going to piss and sweat out the cold as quickly as I could. I will slap that English guy with a sniffle if I ever see him again. Nice guy, but infected me with his cold on my holidays no less. I’ve killed bugs for less!

After the longest drive (due to factors surrounding it) I’ve taken in years. I arrived in Surfers, felt pretty good again for about 30 minutes…although I felt unclean and sticky from the sheer amount of sweat, i’d shed since 8:30am that morning. Don’t worry before I went anyway public I sprayed extra deodorant on me. I’m staying at a backpackers hostel, not method acting…I like to smell good.

I checked in at the Surfers’ YHA, and then had a nanna nap for about an hour. Got up showered and hit the town (not smart, but i’m the Gold Coast what do you expect?).

Another pub crawl and a whole new cast, complete with a predominately Aussie crew (big drop in interest for this writer) a complete weirdo, who talked like he was anti-depressants and said some very strange things…which either made NO sense or you could tell he’s a pathological liar.

I don’t what this guy’s upbringing was like, but it was either fucked up, non-existant or his family are all like him. A truly sad case, poor bastard. He has no idea how much of a fool he makes of himself when opens his mouth. This being said, i’m not any better at times.

Fruitcake: the slow, the crew & myself, headed into town. As we headed in, the semi-attractive girl driving the van was getting all manner of odd questions about her tan.

Weirdo: Nice tan, how did you earn that tan.

Van Girl: I’m kinda white, actually.

Weirdo: I think you look Brazilian, I was going to ask if you’re Brazilian. Are you Brazilian?

Verbal diarrhoea if I’ve ever heard some. I hate hearing awkward conversation at the best of times. I even walk away from awkward conversations in movies. Probably it brings up bad memories of high school and my failures to mate during high school. Nature did right thing there too…I was totally not ready for sex during high school…I digress.

When we got to the first pub, I grabbed a free wine, sat down with our group. Me and one of the guy talked about AFL for a bit, while Fruitcake disappeared to a table with two women sat down at it who were well-above his punching division *does the Gav/Ben punch dance*…and got them over to our table…fuck knows how!

Anyway, I ended up dominating the conversation…which, if you know me is quite common. So he did all the leg work and I cut his lunch by complete accident…I ended talk to these girl for the majority of my time I was on this night. They were nice girls and TAKEN (they mentioned that one early to us guys). So it was, in ‘Friend Zone’ you go, girls…and continued on with my conversation (as displayed by anyone wearing an Orange sticker on their chest).

I ended running out of gas about 10:34pm and going home. I was shattered and a tired version of me is no fun at a party. I kind of disappear into a corner and drink quietly to myself. No threat, but no fun.

It was bedtime. Seaworld was tomorrow’s fun…maybe I rest off some of this head cold too.

Day 7:

I don’t know why but I pulled up sore from night before. My right quad was and still is sore and stiff. I thought i’d walk it off when I went to Seaworld today.

Note: It’s just as bad maybe even worse now…fun!

I’d always wanted to go to Seaworld since I was a young boy because of my secret soft spot (well not anymore) for Dolphins and Sea Lions. Dolphins are truly majestic creatures and Sea Lions are just cool. As a non-animal person that was hard to admit.

Anyway…70 BUCKS ENTRY LATER… I entered Seaworld and was confronted by more children than I can count…I dislike kids. They’re incomplete humans and certainly not cute. Babies can be cute…once they learn to talk…that ends and the pestering begins. So says Future ‘Father of the Year” Gavin Crossley…who happens to have been an absolutely shit as a child…ask my mum about me as kid, one day.

So apart from the swarms of kids, running, screaming, asking stupid questions, coughing, sniffing, farting and prodding me….but that kid was given a pass due to the fact she looked all of 2 years old. I just politely smiled as they apologised and went to listening to a Podcast while eating my lunch.

Although one kid using the word fuck (not in a remotely cute context like misusing it…he knew what he doing and was displaying it proudly) repeatedly was a major bother to me. This kid would have been 8-10 years old!!! There is no way you should be letting your kids swear like that, especially in public.

I took in the sites, decided theme parks are not my thing. Although, my highlights of the day were the Dolphins show complete with environmentalist preaching and techno music. Then add on my first ever go on a real Rollercoaster (fun but scary…but fun!) and it wasn’t a complete loss.

After a facebook chat and finding how brutal of a day the wedding of my best mate is going to be (an insane schedule!). I sat down to some TV and an abrupt German girl, the weirdo trying to chat her and her hotter friend up (who was in it for the free beer; as she told me)…then laughing in his face. Both girls didn’t have enough guts to say “seriously, fuck off weirdo!”.

The trip is almost over…I have some reasons why returning home isn’t going to suck, but I’m not looking forward to the getting back to my ‘being nice to 2000 people a week’ routine.

That’s the best part of a hostel. People are friendly, but if you want to keep to yourself, you can bury your head in a laptop and headphones and people leave you the fuck alone…it’s amazing!

I think I may have spoken to just under 100 people this week. I could have that number of less of new people invading my time and space and me being very happy. Anyway…tomorrow I come home.

2010 East Coast Invasion…Days 3 & 4

Day 3:

Ok, I ended up drinking with some people playing cards in the eating area (some complicated game with nothing on the line) drinking goon, (why do I do this to myself?) and going to a Karaoke bar…and no I didn’t sing! I was accompanied by Deedee and Anna (both Danish) and a couple of other random Irish dudes, who I forget the names of now and were all involved in the previous card game…had some Lolly water…some beer and I swear we did shots…eeep. No wonder im hungover this morning. Anyway, a decent night (even the rain cleared up a bit). Got to bed about 2am. Tomorrow was going to the road trip beginning in earnest.

9:30am March 3rd: I’m out the door and in the car…it starts raining again. I missed a turn and ended freaking out the GPS…I did eventually get onto the correct highway and it was smooth driving from there. My first stop Coolangatta.

Coolangatta is a nice place. A few high rises, all the stuff you’d ever need and a great beach. The waves were crankin’ (mannnnn). Nice place. Then it was on to Surfers…

Surfers Paradise is literally a strip high rise building on what was probably a small town once. It’s a crazy/amazing place. It’s what Perth SHOULD be. It has everything you’d ever need…a great night life, Hospital, Casino, Great beaches, normally good weather and lots of money to keep it going.

I got to experience the night life, in what I would say was the 3^rd best night i’ve ever had…it ranks third because of a rather average ending to it. I had a wonderful time in Surfers Paradise and I want to LIVE there.

Everything about it is what I want in a city…which is pretty much what Surfers’ is now. Shit, they have an NBL, A-League, NRL and soon an AFL franchise based there. It’s only lacking a rail system due to it being an over-grown small town. Can’t say enough on how much I fell for the Gold Coast today.

And I haven’t got to the evening yet. Because the Surfers/Main Beach YHA has a pub crawl on Wednesday Nights… 5 pubs, free drinks on the door and you get to mingle with everyone. Winner Winner Chicken dinner!

So we started off at some pub, which reminded me of the Scarborough pubs back in the day…but not shit. Then it was on to a club/bowling alley place, where I spoke to a lovely group of people from Geelong and bowled like some down-syndrome kid. A truly horrible sporting performance from Mr.Crossley.

The we went to some place called ‘Melbas’, where some girl hit on me for 20 minutes…until she told me she had a boyfriend…I was like…’errr what the fuck are talking to me for then’…and walked away. I danced on a stripper pole (god knows why?) and failed miserably…those strippers are STRONG; I fell my arse as soon as tried some moves! Very funny though.

Then it was onto the someplace with Cocktails in the name…yet no Cocktails. Worst bar of the night. Fffftt!

Final stop was “The Bedroom” which reminded me of Dusk accept, there is 90% attractive people in the venue. There were also Skimpys, a bikini comp and I was hit on more than the DJ. Awesome venue, can’t recommend it enough. The ending of my night was bleh and I went to sleep shortly after a sat on a beautiful nearby beach.

Day 4:

Byron Bay was the final destination…but first I headed to Nimbin. I had to see it for myself. Now here’s my quick capsule review of Nimbin: Tacky piece of shit!

It’ s pretty much everything bad about ‘Weed Culture” role into a street. The stupid environmental shit, the paraphernalia, the dumb slogans, people trying to sell me Cookies, Brownies and Weed on the street and the town smelled like incense, weed smoke and stale water.

Basically it’s the worst elements of Freo times 100! Nimbin is very disappointing.

Then I programmed my GPS to take me to Byron and the GPS went 2001: Space Odyssey on me. It took me on this crazy, winding route through Bumfuck, NSW and these weird unsealed roads and places without speed limits and One House Towns and scariest of all…river crossings (2 of them) through flooded water!!! In a Suzuki Swift!

I was glad to see Bryon Bay when I FINALLY got there…I don’t trust my GPS anymore.

I got settled into my dorm, posted some photos on Facebook and got ready for another big night on the town. Problem being Byron Bay after Surfers Paradise is like fucking Megan Gale and then taking home some crack addict 55 year old from Balga. That’s the kind of disappointment I’m feeling right now. I wish I was in Goldie…Goldie is great.

Do Byron before you go to the Gold Coast…thats my advice…remember that.

More later…

East Coast Invasion 2010…Days 1 & 2

Day 1:

For the events of the flight to Sydney I refer you to ‘Splatter on a Plane 2.0”. The second flight was delayed by about 45 minutes due to the shitty weather in Queensland. This is going to be the theme of this trip…as I type this account it’s pissing down with rain. I don’t mean Perth pissing down for 5 minutes tops then just being all moody like a 14 yr old girl on her rags.

This is like i’ve never seen…its damn near Monsoonal at times here in Brisbane at the moment. Anyway, I got on the short flight to Brisvegas from Sydney (running to my friend Adelle at the Airport), got on the ground, the bags were mega efficient. So much so, I was out of the Departure Lounge in 5 minutes (Perth you have LOTS work on). Grabbed the car with no Dramas…until I got into the car.

I haven’t driven in the rain for ages, add jetlag, dehydration, and shit lighting on Brisbane streets and this was going to turn hairy VERY quickly…I couldn’t see the lines on the road…I’m sure to an outside observer I looked fucking smashed, I’m pretty sure I ran a red light. I was then nearly was side-swiped by some Corolla and missed 3 turns. I’m normally a good driver so this was a frustrating ride…that and the GPS had NO IDEA WHERE IT WAS GOING! No matter I got to the YHA safe…somehow. Chatted to Sadie on Facebook and went to bed after a drink to calm the nerves. Sleep. What a fucking day.

Day 2:

Awake…fuck. My roommates are loud…no concept of quiet at all. At 8:30am i’m washed and out the door heading into the city…rainy again. Heavy Rain and 24 is the forecast…it’s more constant at this point of the day than torrential. It’s like a warmer Perth winters day with much more rain. I was to be told later, it’s been like this all summer long. Sucks to live in Brisbane.

I did all the touristy stuff I could in this weather…no Umbrella either. So I just manned up, and got rained on. Unlike everyone else here it’s kind of a novelty to have rain on me. Fact: Perth at this point has had 100 straight days of NO rain to speak of.

I did the River Cat route, walked through the mall areas (seemed to annoyed a lot less by religious nuts…more lessons for Perth), went to the Museum and freaked out about how much Taxidermy is at that Museum…what a creepy pastime that is. I’ll put up pictures later.

I was really freaked out by a display with a dead Cassowary complete with blood, a sad looking Baby Cass (Mummy? *sniff*) and its partner looking down at now dead Cassowary. They’re some twisted mother fuckers those Taxidermists. I then got sick of being rained and headed back to the YHA. I fit in 4.5 hours worth of travel by foot and Catamaran. I’m sure I missed plenty of shit but it’s not the weather for tourism.

Things I noticed: For a city with nearly the same population as Perth, this is place far better equipped for its population size, it has more Buildings, Better Public Transport, it kind of combines elements of Sydney and Melbourne. Perth has a lot to learn Brisbane. Although a lot like Perth there isn’t much to look at around here. No major monuments, haven’t heard a thing about the beaches…which is a bad thing.

So I’ll head down to the Backpacker Bar for a drink now and get a semi-early one. I’m off to the Gold Coast tomorrow…forecast: Rain…this could get annoying.

Regards

Gav

‘Splatter on a Plane’ 2.0…starring Gavin Crossley as Gavin Crossley

Brain Splatter brought to you by the East Coast Invasion 2010…Gav comes to Queensland for the 1^st time ever!

Non-related, Pre-flight stuff: What the fuck is with all this stabbing stuff. Kid, adults…everyone didn’t you mum tell you not to play with knives. Very messy and personal way to kill someone too, you really gotta HATE someone or be total psycho to run someone through in this day and age. Calm down and use your fists.

I would write about the Winter Olympics but I have full blog for that coming in a few days.

God bless Boobies!

Hey it’s not my fault my insanity is proving to more sane than reality.

Think about this and smile with me. ACDC concert, 60,000 redneck bogans, drinking, thinking of fucking and breeding with each other. The concert finishes…we get ACDC the fuck out (they are a national treasure, you know). Then we send the F18s in…8 missiles are locked and launched with “shock and awe’ –like warheads…makes me smile. I believe George Bush thought about this in all seriousness for New Orleans…Kanye was right!

You don’t know how many friendships this blog has effected…in all seriousness, I need an editor.

Another Earthquake, Chile gets rocked this time…why it is the poor nations that get drilled by these things. The Boxing Day Tsumanis flattened parts of South-East Asia, Haiti crumbles to the ground, now Chile…it’s incredibly unfortunate that it’s these people that are worst effected. My heart goes out to these folk.

Sticks and Stones will break my bones…and words can do so much worse…send my Lady Gaga comments to her please.

It was the hottest and driest summer in the history of Perth…I distinctly remember it being rather mild for a quite a significant stretch of summer…but whatever.

End of Part 1….

Flight Blogging (aka Splatter on a Plane): Okay, I wish we could pick who we flew with…being stuck with a person on a flight of which you wouldn’t go near with a 15 metre-razor wire covered pole, sucks the donkey wonky. This is one next to me in particular…smells like fish and has a smokers cough to die for…this is why I chose not to smoke and why I choose to wash.

I’m flying with Virgin this time around, I hate paying for food on a flight…Salmonella laced fun and you pay some extortionate fee for the privlage.

I’m surrounded by old people too, the smell of Tea Tree oil and impending death is off putting…no wonder i’m not hungry yet.

My kingdom for a Mac Laptop too… 2hr and 36 mins of battery life…fuck! I’d have 8 hrs on a Mac…Benny you’re right again!!!

Sad…there is advertising on the airline TV…bare with me *kills the Brightness on the screen*. Better. Being sold to at 40,000ft, is something i’m not comfortable with…in fact it pisses me off.

Best part of the Virgin flights…hotter flight attendants…*looks around*. Ripped off, I have a cougar (not bad) and two homos. The Mile High Club is out of the question here. Mr.Branson needs to lift his game. Oh well these guys are nice than the Qantas staff, surly fuckers they are.

Hahahahaahahaha. Your in flight meal…Instant Noodles…in some weird looking cup. I bet they charge something like $5.50 for this thing.

Looking to my right…cute Indie girl…with some douchebag with  ‘Skullcandy’ head phones…probably wearing Ed Hardy and packing 3 inches of love for his Indie Girl with the torn singlet showing off more bra than you’d expect… She must be in it for the money and then fucking miners and football players on ‘girls nights out’ or a the Sunday sesh at The Cott in the Disabled Toilets…while this douche is on his Mac (not jealous at all….) is mixing Prince tunes thinking he’s the next Krafty Kuts…Yes, i’m Jaded.

For lunch…a sandwich in a box…the vending machine kind (no, I didn’t buy one). Does this remind you of the Futurama episode where Fry eats a sandwich like this and gets some intergalactic worms, that make him cool and charismatic…then also make him virtually invincible…ok…pass me that sandwich. Just for the indestructible thing.

Now the guy behind has a cough….fuck sake!

Now Mr.Restless behind just sweeped my feet from me…and the fishwoman (who is actually nice but still) is asking about something with the flighty. How much do these guys get paid? I do more work in shitter conditions in a hotel…Imagine the shit i’d get write…’Thoughts of a surly flighty” a Best Seller by Gavin Crossley…this is could work.

The Cougar just said excuse me for leaning over…..My brain pictures: That’s alight, gorgeous… but I dropped my Ipod…and I can’t reach can over lean a bit more…yeaaahhhh thats it…thanks, you’ve made my day….what?

I just realised…I forgot Sammy.Jnr! FUCKING FUCK FUCKER FUCKITY FUCK!!! Do I get a new Mascot for this trip…Poor Sammy…next trip bro! This makes Gav a sad Panda…

After 2 mins of thinking… I will find another Mascot, no idea what it’ll be…but I need a mascot then it’ll be a present for somebody special…I forgot Sammy Jnr….fuck!

Here is my current planned trip itinerary:

Monday March 1^st – Brisbane arrival: 2030 ESST Car Pick up @2130 Hostel Arrival 2230. Sleep!

Tuesday March 2^nd – Tourist Boy Gav in Brisvegas (Day), Night – Party Boy Gav

Wednesday March 3^rd – Drive to Gold Coast (Day), Explore the sites (Day) – Night – Party Boy Gav

Thursday March 4^th –  Nimbin/Byron Bay, NSW

Friday March 5^th –  Port Macquarie/Coffs Harbour

Saturday March 6^th – Port Stephens

Sunday –March 7^th – Sydney – Return  Car – Kings Cross, Teapots and Cocktails with Del and friends.

Monday – March 8^th – Final Touristy Junk…fly home.

Basically this schedule is me, seeing some little sea towns (and Nimbin) and visiting the true Backpacker locations, to drink goon with, talk shit with and stumble around places with and then leave the town the next day and never hear from or see them again. This is exactly why I love the road.

Indie Girl has a sister…oh shit, that sister is the Ed Hardy douchebag! Hahahahahahahaahahahaha!

Okay after a Nanna Nap later…we have no Air con on this flight, people getting edgy. Try wearing a black head to toe and driving in a 60 degree car and grabbing bags and being nice. It’s warm though.

Another observation…I think the band ‘Operator Please’ are on this flight. I should punch them…fuck ‘a song about Ping Pong’.

Hey, where did she come from…finally a hot Flighty…on closer inspection…way too much make-up….moving on.

Okay…Free Cable Tv! Win for me…

Okay enough of this garbage (still giggling about the Ed Hardy girl)…hope you enjoyed the second ever ‘Splatter on a Plane”. Until then i’m going think about being in bed with a mega-hot girl from home…werd.

With Lust and DVT

Gav