Brain Splatter brought to you by THE STICK OF DEATH!

Best part about Halloween…you can dress like an idiot, act like an idiot and most people don’t know who the fuck you are…complete anonymity is amazing fun!

 

See, I can have fun too.

 

A tip for my enemies (I don’t have any that I know of…but whatever): If you wanna ruin my day, show a girl I’m after this blog…she’ll never speak to me again.

I love that I created another term for people to use. ‘Meno-cow’ has become popular among my readers and friends. Spread the word…like Herpes.

Pop culture never ceases to bore me. Ripping on it seems like I’m doing God’s work.

Test Cricket is better than Baseball…fact!

Slap someone…you’ll enjoy it. Just don’t slap me.

Sexual tension is no fun…so if you’re single, female and attractive…you can definitely take it out on me…no slapping though.

Organising interviews through Twitter for my upcoming return to radio broadcasting is painful. I have so much information to throw at this person for the interview…yet I have 140 characters to use…facebook for the win!

Is it me is absurd and dark, cutting humour the glue of my life?

 

There is a reason why this mans thoughts speak to me and not much amuses me.

If someone says you’re drinking too much at a bar, snatch and drink their drink in a sculling gulp and say in your drunken slur ‘I’m a martyr, god dammit!’. I think this would fuck them up for about 35-37 minutes.

Someone asked how I describe myself in one word…3 seconds of thinking later I said “Sardonic”. I think I made them run for the dictionary.

There is nothing wrong with triple-pun intellectual humour; I’m not dumbing my jokes down.

To those that don’t have commitments and a social life…I miss that feeling of solitude and freedom, can we swap?

Note to people in elevators: wash or wipe your arse! Deodorant helps too by the way!

Okay, who the fuck was it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard work is not duly rewarded; your parents lied to you!

I have the semi- fortunate position of having a job I do and a job I like. Best of both worlds…one also makes me appreciate the other.

God bless spell check.

I don’t get people who care about the company they work for…you’re an expendable cog in their money making machine. You’re easily replaced and you’re not getting what you deserve.

I’m not cynical…I’m just askew to the programmed point-of-view. I also dislike euphemisms…note the contradiction in the previous sentence.

You know the mystique in your relationship is gone when you can hear your girlfriend go to the toilet.

I highly recommend ‘Sumo Salad’…now that I’ve given you a free plug guys…I want free food!

Can someone tell me why we are actually charging people for milk? I don’t think cows see any of that money.

If these guys had any sense...they'd be pretty pissed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Punch an emu!

Reason to have a girlfriend #425: Waking up next to her, with her mattered hair and in her trackies is one of the hotter, more beautiful things to see in the morning.

Note: I don’t have a girlfriend…but that should be PLAINLY obvious.

It’s not true that ‘you can’t get something for nothing’. Look at what big business and government does while we toil and work until we die for them…I’m pretty sure they’re doing fuck all and gaining everything!

There is anti-establishment slant to this blog this week isn’t there? I should watch Fight Club less.

STOP BREEDING!

 

Useless fact about the author: I can’t touch my toes while stretching.

ANOTHER Message to the career minded: bahahahahahahaha Lighten up you sad fucks…bahahahahahhahahaha. Thank You.

Is it okay to kill your customers at work place? It’s not!…ummm, then what do I with this twisted looking chap over there…not to mention the blood.

 

I can feel this building to something…probably an orgasm.

I’m waiting for the weekend…hurry up, fuck ya!

Have you realised that everything cool you’ve ever wanted to say, has been said better by someone cooler than you. That shits not cool.

Semantics are more fun than poo jokes…try fucking with someone’s head over- using logic. My god it’s fun. As for dick jokes…nothing beats dick jokes. STICK OF DEATH!

I want to kick any male Australian Idol contestant in the balls…call my service to music.

If I was any other nationality I’d be Swedish.

 

enough said...

 

Imagine if my imagination was reality. God help you all.

How did I live without facebook?

Qualifications need to be a telemarketer/phone operator for pretty much anything. Be annoying, have no phone manner what-so-ever and be a complete fucking moron. Wow, you’re all those things…you’re hired! Here’s a headset.

 

That means YOU cocksucker!

 

Reason to have a girlfriend #425: They smell nice

Who watches Home & Away? Seriously.

For those that dressed up for go to Melbourne Cup, I have one question…why?

Is too soon to make Michael Jackson Child-Necrophilia jokes?

This is not It! There will be more remix CD’s, bootlegs, TV specials, T-shirts, Tribute tours, Covers, 3 different ‘Best of’ collections to come. Let’s not even mention Box sets of Michaels back catalogue.

I’m not a cynic, you’re just naive.

Who finds themselves wanting to have middle-aged English actresses like Emma Thompson or Kate Winslet? Nope…errr carry on.

I haven’t stumbled on a new TV celeb in months I’ve wanted to fuck. I have to stop watching the sports channels, I think.

Worst career move for me: School teacher…imagine my morals being installed in your kids. A bunch of sarcastic, angry, disobedient, misanthropes…Disney would hate me forever!

Question what you read. Including this shit.

I really hate Seagulls. I’ve decided that they suck.

Yes, that means YOU too!

 

I remember the days when kicking a stone down the road for a good 2 kms was a fun activity walking home from school. No Ipods when I was a kid, dammit.

I talk to myself all the time. I’m the only person whose opinion truly matters to me.

Who thinks Judd Apatow movies are pretty average. I do.

Environmentalists need to, go to nature and stay there.

I’ll finish with this thought: I wonder if Indigenous folk feel disgusted on Australia Day when we celebrate the Invasion of their land with Southern Cross tattoos, fireworks and flying flags on utes (The BBQs and Hottest 100 get a pass). I know I do.

Regards

Gav