Brain Splatter brought to you by anger…the muse of Gav.

I love it when people call me odd…within about 3 minutes of knowing me…it’s also hurtful…but we’ll keep that secret…oh…moving on.

True Fact: George Carlin is my hero.

Before I do the silly/angry stuff. I’ve been thinking about the book lately. Your thoughts…should I just go for it and do it next year. Or save and make sure I have at least 10-15 grand before I even start? Let me know…seriously.

Here’s a list of things I like….ummm….eerrrm….I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

I love walking home drunk. It’s such a wondrous adventure, the blurry stumble of a drunken man walking through semi-abandoned car park and train station at 6am…having the surly Transit Guards look at you like some form deviant as the sun feels like it’s moved into Earths atmosphere and is paying attention solely to burning your retinas. Then it’s to hoping into a taxi and copping an unwanted bunch of stories about drunks and the driver’s bad night…fun stuff. Then (no and then!) getting home and having the dog next door bark for 4 hours…this is how serial killer get their start I’m sure.

I like American Football. It’s Roided up genetic freaks, belting the shit out of each other and lots of yelling, posing and other silly shit. Also the pre-show intros are insanely over the top (Country Music, Cheerleadesr, lots of CGI Grindiron Helmets Flying around and EXPLODING on the screen). 32, 23, 99 HIKE!

BLOAW...WOOOOOOOO YEAH BABY!

New Rule: Motorcyclists should get their own freeways. I’m sick of this: You’re driving along nodding your head to something on the iPod you like, and then you hear this shit…. ZzzzzZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn, Some dickhead on a Ninja Bike flies past at 234km per second. I wonder what the life expectancy of these morons is. 12 months? 3 years? 2 days? No wonder surgeons call these fuckers ‘Temporary Citizens’. Valentino Rossi these boys are not.

Whoopsie!

Young men in nightclubs are not the problem for me…you know who the worst people are to deal with in clubs. Middle aged women who can’t handle their drink. Stay home meno-cow!

Best part of being a loser…no one expects much of you.

This blog proves I’m at the end of moral thought. Only downhill from here.

True fact: You’re soul is owned by Coca-cola.

20/20 cricket is actually pretty fucking boring. I prefer Test Cricket…more brains involved. Don’t start me One-day cricket…snore!

Semi-true fact: Itunes owns my soul.

Parking Tickets need to outlawed, Parking Inspectors need to be shot.

I don’t do it. But fuck it…legalise Pot and Magic Mushrooms. All drugs will fuck you up eventually prescription, illicit or natural. The Oz government can do what the Americans do. Capitalise on our declining health as we smoke, medicate and eat ourselves into an early grave. McDonalds and Eagle Boys would be licking their lips at the thought of the stoners storming through the doors after a session looking for something to eat. I say have government controlled stores selling Mary Jane like they do in Amsterdam and use the profits to build roads and universities (where you’d get BIG business).

Imagine how quiet clubs would be! No glassing, no fights, just philosophy debates and insane amounts of giggles and pizza deliveries. The places to be would be stoner clubs, with The Doors, Cypress Hill and Pink Floyd as the soundtrack. Shit, I’d go for the music alone! A Cash cow in the making, Ruddy!

Magpies and Crows are plotting to kill us. Watch the skies…

If birds got their way...

I was told to go Istanbul but not Constantinople…

Who else is over that “Sexy Bitch’ song?

Here’s how I tan: Burn, Pink, Peel, White. Anglo-Saxon skin, for the Loss.

It’s really sad, that even with my best friend nurturing a new born; I’m the ONLY person not getting all clucky. In fact Kids to me, on the most part smell, scream, cry and ruin a perfectly good day. Barring my best mate’s kid…if you have kids, I don’t want to talk to, hold, or babysit them. I have better things to do…like eating my own face.

A list of shit things about summer:

Bogans at the beach.

Southern Cross Tattoos (usually attached to the same bogans)

No Football on a Sunday Morning

Hot Nights and No Sleep

Women pay no attention to a guy who can’t tan and looks like a British Tourist at the beach. I’m like a fucking mirror!

Children EVERYWHERE!

Bushfires

Flies

Mosquitoes

One Day Cricket

Christmas

Global Warming sounds fun doesn’t it? Like a permanent summer holiday…underwater.

On that point, Tasmania would suddenly become a good tourist destination…

Tasmania in 50 years...

Perth is trying to copy Melbourne so much that’s stolen its weather. Fuck it’s weird over here right now.

True Fact: Ladyhawke sounds like Belinda Carlisle.

Leave Wrangas alone!

I had some 16 year old girl ask me out at some traffic lights from a party bus. She barely flinched when I said I was 25. Thank fuck the lights went green.

I haven’t yelled at Religious freaks in the city for a while…I’m very proud of myself.

If people are cloning their dogs, let’s go all out and do a ‘Jurassic Park’. I want a pet Raptor!

SICK EM REX!

I was at TimeZone on the weekend, killing time. One complaint…No NBA Jam! Com’on…NBA Jam was the best game EVER! I wanna light up some bad NBA Teams from 1994. Take THAT Dallas Mavericks

Anyone remember Rocko’s Modern Life? That was a good fuckin’ cartoon!

Poor Rocko...he had traumatic life...

Where have all the good movies gone?

Gav’s reasoning to help you quit your job and become a hermit (note: these are socially irresponsible and possibly untrue):

You’re soul is being destroyed while you getting butt-fucked (symbolically of course) for paycheck which is bare enough to survive…okay this actually true!

You don’t need workmates do you?

You would be better off sitting in a commune singing John Butler songs

Who needs a nice car and hot girlfriend when you can have a bath in a lake and have a girl friend with hair in her armpits…and on her chin.

Fremantle Markets need you, man!

How are going to find time to learn the sitar?

The UFO’s are waiting.

Because 69’ was the shit, yo!

9/11 was inside job.

JFK was killed by the banks, man. They’ll kill you too!

Surfing is good form of exercise.

It’s the Nimbin dream.

You secretly like John Williamson.

Dreads look great on white guys…ask Newton Faulkner.

It’s only way to escape the Veronicas.

How did Vanessa Amorosi rescue her career 10 years later? Someone answer that for me please.

To those that believe that Bottled Water is from Natural Springs…baaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha *breathes* bwwwwahaahahahahahahahahahaha. Thank You.

Fuck Hope!

Oh, to be a sociopath…wouldn’t that be great…what?

Words to live by: Travel Light.

With bruises in naughty places…

Gav