The return of…BRAIN SPLATTER…

Yes, it’s been a long time. I’m a busy man. Have a full social life and prefer the company of woman to my PC…sorry everyone. Without further wank…

Time for the….BRAAAAAIIIIIIIN SPPPPLLLLLLAAAAATTTTTTEEEEERRRRR!!!!

Writers Block is a form of constipation.

Attacking people is not only fun but therapeutic …attack a random bystander. Just hope they don’t know Mixed Martial Arts.

Imagine dating this woman!

I think bad parents should be executed in the street. I know this will upset some people including the kids of the now dead Mum & Dad but we need to make example of these people….okay, too severe. How about we burn their Volvo SUV’s? Better? Cool.

I love happy endings…and I don’t mean the ‘Lion King’ kind.

When I saw the title for Snow Patrols “Chasing Cars” I thought it was about the favourite activity of dogs with mental issues…alas I was bitterly disappointed.

I met Kate Miller-Hidke a couple of days ago. I wish I knew who she was at the time, I would have yelled at her for “Last Day On Earth”…that god damn song has been in my head for 12 days now…AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! By the way…Kate herself is lovely.

I love summer music festivals, lots of idiots to laugh, the bouncers aren’t complete bastards and I love watching people trying to jump fences and getting stomped in the process. Yep, I’m siding with the security staff here.

What’s all the fuss about ‘Packed to the Rafters”…it’s shit. When will people learn?

I hope to see this one day, guy walking along the street, wearing a “Random Breast Tester” tee. Girl on her ‘time of the month’ and one day past a break up, she sees this guy. Walks up to the guy…and kicks him in the nuts. I think we need some random acts of violence which are semi-funny.

I think I should make a Twitter account solely to make the most inane/insane Twitter statements I can think of…like something like this…

“Cooking toast and listening to my GF whinge…WTF!”

Then writing “stroking my penis and calling it Max LOL’.

Then I’d write something like… ‘Sharpening a Pencil…. TTYL’

Then it’d all be building towards this…

“Burying my GF, the bitch wouldn’t shut up about the toast and my penis stroking…I stabbed her with the pencil 236 times and burying her in the pines…with the pencil, now the pencil is going home to nature LMAOROFL”

I’d have millions of followers for that stupid shit. I’m sure some would be police but hey, I’m not picky with who follows me on Twitter.

You can see why I don’t have a girlfriend…

I wonder if any Welder has been called an ‘Oxy-Moron’ before…a cutting and clever insult.

Every tradie has to have a sex pun slogan...

Gav’s hair brained solutions to solve to obesity problem #23: I think those that have no social life and sit around playing video games should be given conjugal visits. I think they’d stop playing PS3 pretty fuckin’ quick. Plus it’s a form of exercise.

Put down the controller, big boy!

I wonder who coined the term ‘A roll in the hay” and did they have a rash after?

I think you need a hug….*HUGS*. Happy?

nawwwww

On the subject of physical affection. I think someone should run the social experiment of walking around in their city with a shit cardboard sign saying ‘Free Blowjobs’…I think you’d get more interesting clientele than those ‘Free Hugs’ idiots. Also, i’m not trying this…just for the record.

Ya mum!

Ya Distant 3^rd Cousin, who is kind of cute, but modern society frowns on that kind of thing…., barring Tasmania.

Imagine if this was the 3rd cousin...hmmmm

Pull your own damn finger.

Instead of ‘Talk like a Pirate Day’…how about we have ‘Talk in Double Entendre Day’…that to me is MUCH more interesting. Imagine that at the supermarket counter. “Wanna bag my celery, baby?”

Society needs a kick in the arse. I’m shining my shoes right now…call me when you need me.

I think we should update the ‘Call someone who cares” line to “Text, Tweet or Facebook someone who cares, LOL!”.

I don’t trust Emus.

Not to be trusted

Let’s put the Mosquitoes on the endangered species list…com’on everyone start the genocide now!

I think it’s sad that I’ve softened over the years. I used to hate Hamish & Andy…now I love them. I like dance music now and scariest of all, I’m thinking about a threesome with The Veronicas…next I’m going to watch network TV in prime time. At this point, I should be killed!

You've thought about it too!

Who told country musicians they’re allowed told have a fruitful career…there is no justice.

I think a cool Metal band name would be ‘The Gretel Killeen’s’. Pantera ain’t got shit on that name. Brutal!

1st album cover?

Worst part about summer…seeing those stupid Southern Cross tattoos…

I wrote a line that I know would upset people…it was meant to be here. But alas good taste prevailed. Now can someone do that ‘Good Taste Prevails’ thing to the WHOLE of Channel 9 Programming?

I wonder if anyone who sniffs paint is also a Graffiti writer.

‘Birds of a feather flock together’ is a racist term for birds! Corellas like Turns, Turns also like the companies of Budgies, 38 Parrots and Pelicans. No one likes Crows though, they’re fuckheads.

Eagles just don't like anyone either...including each other.

Imagine if we weren’t on top of the food chain…how much more interesting would life be?

Fuck the Melbourne Cup!

Go Horsie, Go! *snores*

I miss climbing trees. But if I were to do that now…people would think I’m up to no good.

If walls could talk…I’d get therapy.

Have you ever been caught talking to yourself…I keep going. It’s bound to be a better conversation than what they have to say.

Smile sweetly at a Policeman in Northbridge…see what happens.

Pleasant thoughts…I’m thinking about soft, loving sex with Anne Hathaway…what are you thinking about?

Could you imagine me writing this blog on Peyote?*puts that down on the list of things to do*

A handjob actually seems like a lot of work.

A good name for a porn sci-fi spoof (double pun intended). ‘Anal Sex: The Final Frontier’.

Time for me to end this with this…*pelvic thrust*

With hickeys…

Gav