Brain Splatter brought to you by anger…the muse of Gav.

I love it when people call me odd…within about 3 minutes of knowing me…it’s also hurtful…but we’ll keep that secret…oh…moving on.

True Fact: George Carlin is my hero.

Before I do the silly/angry stuff. I’ve been thinking about the book lately. Your thoughts…should I just go for it and do it next year. Or save and make sure I have at least 10-15 grand before I even start? Let me know…seriously.

Here’s a list of things I like….ummm….eerrrm….I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

I love walking home drunk. It’s such a wondrous adventure, the blurry stumble of a drunken man walking through semi-abandoned car park and train station at 6am…having the surly Transit Guards look at you like some form deviant as the sun feels like it’s moved into Earths atmosphere and is paying attention solely to burning your retinas. Then it’s to hoping into a taxi and copping an unwanted bunch of stories about drunks and the driver’s bad night…fun stuff. Then (no and then!) getting home and having the dog next door bark for 4 hours…this is how serial killer get their start I’m sure.

I like American Football. It’s Roided up genetic freaks, belting the shit out of each other and lots of yelling, posing and other silly shit. Also the pre-show intros are insanely over the top (Country Music, Cheerleadesr, lots of CGI Grindiron Helmets Flying around and EXPLODING on the screen). 32, 23, 99 HIKE!

BLOAW...WOOOOOOOO YEAH BABY!

New Rule: Motorcyclists should get their own freeways. I’m sick of this: You’re driving along nodding your head to something on the iPod you like, and then you hear this shit…. ZzzzzZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn, Some dickhead on a Ninja Bike flies past at 234km per second. I wonder what the life expectancy of these morons is. 12 months? 3 years? 2 days? No wonder surgeons call these fuckers ‘Temporary Citizens’. Valentino Rossi these boys are not.

Whoopsie!

Young men in nightclubs are not the problem for me…you know who the worst people are to deal with in clubs. Middle aged women who can’t handle their drink. Stay home meno-cow!

Best part of being a loser…no one expects much of you.

This blog proves I’m at the end of moral thought. Only downhill from here.

True fact: You’re soul is owned by Coca-cola.

20/20 cricket is actually pretty fucking boring. I prefer Test Cricket…more brains involved. Don’t start me One-day cricket…snore!

Semi-true fact: Itunes owns my soul.

Parking Tickets need to outlawed, Parking Inspectors need to be shot.

I don’t do it. But fuck it…legalise Pot and Magic Mushrooms. All drugs will fuck you up eventually prescription, illicit or natural. The Oz government can do what the Americans do. Capitalise on our declining health as we smoke, medicate and eat ourselves into an early grave. McDonalds and Eagle Boys would be licking their lips at the thought of the stoners storming through the doors after a session looking for something to eat. I say have government controlled stores selling Mary Jane like they do in Amsterdam and use the profits to build roads and universities (where you’d get BIG business).

Imagine how quiet clubs would be! No glassing, no fights, just philosophy debates and insane amounts of giggles and pizza deliveries. The places to be would be stoner clubs, with The Doors, Cypress Hill and Pink Floyd as the soundtrack. Shit, I’d go for the music alone! A Cash cow in the making, Ruddy!

Magpies and Crows are plotting to kill us. Watch the skies…

If birds got their way...

I was told to go Istanbul but not Constantinople…

Who else is over that “Sexy Bitch’ song?

Here’s how I tan: Burn, Pink, Peel, White. Anglo-Saxon skin, for the Loss.

It’s really sad, that even with my best friend nurturing a new born; I’m the ONLY person not getting all clucky. In fact Kids to me, on the most part smell, scream, cry and ruin a perfectly good day. Barring my best mate’s kid…if you have kids, I don’t want to talk to, hold, or babysit them. I have better things to do…like eating my own face.

A list of shit things about summer:

Bogans at the beach.

Southern Cross Tattoos (usually attached to the same bogans)

No Football on a Sunday Morning

Hot Nights and No Sleep

Women pay no attention to a guy who can’t tan and looks like a British Tourist at the beach. I’m like a fucking mirror!

Children EVERYWHERE!

Bushfires

Flies

Mosquitoes

One Day Cricket

Christmas

Global Warming sounds fun doesn’t it? Like a permanent summer holiday…underwater.

On that point, Tasmania would suddenly become a good tourist destination…

Tasmania in 50 years...

Perth is trying to copy Melbourne so much that’s stolen its weather. Fuck it’s weird over here right now.

True Fact: Ladyhawke sounds like Belinda Carlisle.

Leave Wrangas alone!

I had some 16 year old girl ask me out at some traffic lights from a party bus. She barely flinched when I said I was 25. Thank fuck the lights went green.

I haven’t yelled at Religious freaks in the city for a while…I’m very proud of myself.

If people are cloning their dogs, let’s go all out and do a ‘Jurassic Park’. I want a pet Raptor!

SICK EM REX!

I was at TimeZone on the weekend, killing time. One complaint…No NBA Jam! Com’on…NBA Jam was the best game EVER! I wanna light up some bad NBA Teams from 1994. Take THAT Dallas Mavericks

Anyone remember Rocko’s Modern Life? That was a good fuckin’ cartoon!

Poor Rocko...he had traumatic life...

Where have all the good movies gone?

Gav’s reasoning to help you quit your job and become a hermit (note: these are socially irresponsible and possibly untrue):

You’re soul is being destroyed while you getting butt-fucked (symbolically of course) for paycheck which is bare enough to survive…okay this actually true!

You don’t need workmates do you?

You would be better off sitting in a commune singing John Butler songs

Who needs a nice car and hot girlfriend when you can have a bath in a lake and have a girl friend with hair in her armpits…and on her chin.

Fremantle Markets need you, man!

How are going to find time to learn the sitar?

The UFO’s are waiting.

Because 69’ was the shit, yo!

9/11 was inside job.

JFK was killed by the banks, man. They’ll kill you too!

Surfing is good form of exercise.

It’s the Nimbin dream.

You secretly like John Williamson.

Dreads look great on white guys…ask Newton Faulkner.

It’s only way to escape the Veronicas.

How did Vanessa Amorosi rescue her career 10 years later? Someone answer that for me please.

To those that believe that Bottled Water is from Natural Springs…baaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha *breathes* bwwwwahaahahahahahahahahahaha. Thank You.

Fuck Hope!

Oh, to be a sociopath…wouldn’t that be great…what?

Words to live by: Travel Light.

With bruises in naughty places…

Gav

The return of…BRAIN SPLATTER…

Yes, it’s been a long time. I’m a busy man. Have a full social life and prefer the company of woman to my PC…sorry everyone. Without further wank…

Time for the….BRAAAAAIIIIIIIN SPPPPLLLLLLAAAAATTTTTTEEEEERRRRR!!!!

Writers Block is a form of constipation.

Attacking people is not only fun but therapeutic …attack a random bystander. Just hope they don’t know Mixed Martial Arts.

Imagine dating this woman!

I think bad parents should be executed in the street. I know this will upset some people including the kids of the now dead Mum & Dad but we need to make example of these people….okay, too severe. How about we burn their Volvo SUV’s? Better? Cool.

I love happy endings…and I don’t mean the ‘Lion King’ kind.

When I saw the title for Snow Patrols “Chasing Cars” I thought it was about the favourite activity of dogs with mental issues…alas I was bitterly disappointed.

I met Kate Miller-Hidke a couple of days ago. I wish I knew who she was at the time, I would have yelled at her for “Last Day On Earth”…that god damn song has been in my head for 12 days now…AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! By the way…Kate herself is lovely.

I love summer music festivals, lots of idiots to laugh, the bouncers aren’t complete bastards and I love watching people trying to jump fences and getting stomped in the process. Yep, I’m siding with the security staff here.

What’s all the fuss about ‘Packed to the Rafters”…it’s shit. When will people learn?

I hope to see this one day, guy walking along the street, wearing a “Random Breast Tester” tee. Girl on her ‘time of the month’ and one day past a break up, she sees this guy. Walks up to the guy…and kicks him in the nuts. I think we need some random acts of violence which are semi-funny.

I think I should make a Twitter account solely to make the most inane/insane Twitter statements I can think of…like something like this…

“Cooking toast and listening to my GF whinge…WTF!”

Then writing “stroking my penis and calling it Max LOL’.

Then I’d write something like… ‘Sharpening a Pencil…. TTYL’

Then it’d all be building towards this…

“Burying my GF, the bitch wouldn’t shut up about the toast and my penis stroking…I stabbed her with the pencil 236 times and burying her in the pines…with the pencil, now the pencil is going home to nature LMAOROFL”

I’d have millions of followers for that stupid shit. I’m sure some would be police but hey, I’m not picky with who follows me on Twitter.

You can see why I don’t have a girlfriend…

I wonder if any Welder has been called an ‘Oxy-Moron’ before…a cutting and clever insult.

Every tradie has to have a sex pun slogan...

Gav’s hair brained solutions to solve to obesity problem #23: I think those that have no social life and sit around playing video games should be given conjugal visits. I think they’d stop playing PS3 pretty fuckin’ quick. Plus it’s a form of exercise.

Put down the controller, big boy!

I wonder who coined the term ‘A roll in the hay” and did they have a rash after?

I think you need a hug….*HUGS*. Happy?

nawwwww

On the subject of physical affection. I think someone should run the social experiment of walking around in their city with a shit cardboard sign saying ‘Free Blowjobs’…I think you’d get more interesting clientele than those ‘Free Hugs’ idiots. Also, i’m not trying this…just for the record.

Ya mum!

Ya Distant 3^rd Cousin, who is kind of cute, but modern society frowns on that kind of thing…., barring Tasmania.

Imagine if this was the 3rd cousin...hmmmm

Pull your own damn finger.

Instead of ‘Talk like a Pirate Day’…how about we have ‘Talk in Double Entendre Day’…that to me is MUCH more interesting. Imagine that at the supermarket counter. “Wanna bag my celery, baby?”

Society needs a kick in the arse. I’m shining my shoes right now…call me when you need me.

I think we should update the ‘Call someone who cares” line to “Text, Tweet or Facebook someone who cares, LOL!”.

I don’t trust Emus.

Not to be trusted

Let’s put the Mosquitoes on the endangered species list…com’on everyone start the genocide now!

I think it’s sad that I’ve softened over the years. I used to hate Hamish & Andy…now I love them. I like dance music now and scariest of all, I’m thinking about a threesome with The Veronicas…next I’m going to watch network TV in prime time. At this point, I should be killed!

You've thought about it too!

Who told country musicians they’re allowed told have a fruitful career…there is no justice.

I think a cool Metal band name would be ‘The Gretel Killeen’s’. Pantera ain’t got shit on that name. Brutal!

1st album cover?

Worst part about summer…seeing those stupid Southern Cross tattoos…

I wrote a line that I know would upset people…it was meant to be here. But alas good taste prevailed. Now can someone do that ‘Good Taste Prevails’ thing to the WHOLE of Channel 9 Programming?

I wonder if anyone who sniffs paint is also a Graffiti writer.

‘Birds of a feather flock together’ is a racist term for birds! Corellas like Turns, Turns also like the companies of Budgies, 38 Parrots and Pelicans. No one likes Crows though, they’re fuckheads.

Eagles just don't like anyone either...including each other.

Imagine if we weren’t on top of the food chain…how much more interesting would life be?

Fuck the Melbourne Cup!

Go Horsie, Go! *snores*

I miss climbing trees. But if I were to do that now…people would think I’m up to no good.

If walls could talk…I’d get therapy.

Have you ever been caught talking to yourself…I keep going. It’s bound to be a better conversation than what they have to say.

Smile sweetly at a Policeman in Northbridge…see what happens.

Pleasant thoughts…I’m thinking about soft, loving sex with Anne Hathaway…what are you thinking about?

Could you imagine me writing this blog on Peyote?*puts that down on the list of things to do*

A handjob actually seems like a lot of work.

A good name for a porn sci-fi spoof (double pun intended). ‘Anal Sex: The Final Frontier’.

Time for me to end this with this…*pelvic thrust*

With hickeys…

Gav