Brain Splatter…brought to you by Lady Gaga’s cock…

Lady Gaga apparently has a penis. Now to find Gretel Killeen’s penis…I bet she/he has a porn sized cock…. to shove it up that canyon of hers and go fuck herself!…a little harsh?

Fuck ‘Thriller’ this is best video ever…

Aww yeah…

I would have said The Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” video…but I’m sure someone would chastise me for posting that one up…look that one though…not at work, please.

Advice to 929’s Em: Stop this stupid serious community reach-out bullshit. You come off as counterfeit. As much as a Bus Driver having his head caved in by some cocksucking-little-homeboy-cunt with a brick is shit and disgusting (once again human kind shows its true nature). You are the EXACT last person I want to hear on the radio talking about this increase in Public Transport violence…actually you’re the last person I want to hear opinion from generally.

I’d prefer to listen to Vagrant…with skin sores, bad breath and with BO that would kill a horse, than your opinion on social issues. Stay in the ‘light and fluffy’ areas for your corporate shill-fest. Oh, by the way…some bus drivers deserve a punch in the head too.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say…say that shit anyway!

Nice people are the people who say the worst shit behind your back.

Australian Idol = redundant television for mindless drones…no wonder it rates well.

I had a bone to pick…but I decided to stroke it instead.

Since when did I become a fan of dance music? This is concerning.

Hump Day…I wish that meant a mandatory sex day. Vote One, Gav!

I wonder if I should ask for a ‘happy ending’ at one of those Massage places in shopping centres

The best thought ever… especially for a bored guy in a hotel lobby. Imagine this…quiet, boring, shit day…you’ve contemplated suicide, murder and masturbation at least 4 times each in 2 hours and then out of nowhere…NINJAS! Fuckin’ Ninjas, fly kicking water coolers, cutting up pot plants, throwing ninja stars at shit paintings and corporate artwork, doing katas, making lots of noise, and then NINJA VANISH. A Plume of Smoke fills the room and the Ninja’s disappear into the abyss from where they came from…FUCK YEAH! This mental picture has kept me amused for weeks!

These boys would be fun for any work place!

They should bring back ‘It’s a Knock-out!’…or was that what ‘Wipeout!’ was….

I was nice boy about a year ago…what happened?

I love the phrase ‘fix my face’…I wonder if it’s to do with a broken nose?

BLOAW!

I often wonder I why sex is such a pleasurable activity…then I stop caring and keep fucking away.

Serious question…who thought of porn?

Why do people trust Wikipedia?

I’m no environmentalist…and this is a selective environmental thought…but leave the Whales alone! They’re majestic creatures and certainly not cuisine. We should kill people not Whales…starting with Whalers perhaps.

He should go all 'Orca' on someone!

To the people who read this…why?

562 words so far, 2 weeks since the last ‘splatter’, a shitload of work commitments, alcohol and socialising…there is my weak excuse on why this blog sucks this week.

Anything to with the Gossip sucks, The Gossip band suck, Gossip Girl sucks, and gossip itself sucks. But the band especially sucks…stupid beach ball woman!

Classy....

People are too fucking obsessed with their dogs! Putting a bandana on a dog is not cute, or a jacket, or sunglasses or training it do tricks and win trophies because you have no athletic ability what-so-ever. Just feed it, train it not to shit in the house, take it for a walk and give it a cuddle on the odd occasion. Pet people are fucking stupid, you’re being ripped off too with all these products for your pets. The dog doesn’t care about your competitions or your stupid dog clothing. Let these animals be animals.

The Blood and Cripp Gangsta-ass Dogs...

I’ve solved the question…what does one do on their night off in Rockingham? Beat their wife/girlfriend/sister.

I do recommend ‘Inglorious Basterds’…Tarantino has hit top form with this one. Lots of dialogue but enough spikes of hardcore violence to keep the bloodthirsty happy.

Boredom is my muse. If you want me to write less of these…keep me busy.

I just realised it’s been 13 years since I went fishing…it’ll be another 26 before I bother giving it a go. What a mindless activity this is.

Yep...fun

Nothing has really pissed me off in the last couple of weeks…thus the lack of blogs. Sorry, kids.

Apathy: the friend of the peaceful.

Why is McDonalds always the home of the future drug-addicted, 14 year old single mums, prison inmates and vagrants. Wouldn’t you look at the staff or everyone in there and think ‘what the fuck have I done with my life?’ I know I have at least 345 times while buying a 50 cent cone in that joint. Free wi-fi is cool though.

Maybe this should happen more often...Go Ronald!

By the way, as former addict of Mcshit I’ll say there is only ONE reason why Mcshit is an acceptable ‘meal’. When you’re hung the fuck over, or coming home from a HUGE night and you need something solid to soak up the booze or throw up later.

I re-discovered Kebabs…but I wish I had Listerine afterwards. Sooooo good.

*drools*

Final thought/question. I want to go on a new adventure soon…what should I do? I’ve already had some suggestions…the best being ‘shark holding’ in Hawaii (if I was millionaire this would be done). Got any suggestion on a silly adventure I can go on soon….let me know.

Until then…go fuck somebody.

Regards

Gav

Brain Splatter…brought to you by falling down the stairs.

Are we excited about the weekly Brain Splatter….this Croc is!

R.I.P John Hughes…the director of The Breakfast Club, 16 Candles and HEAPS more good/decent/shit/HUGE movies, not that car salesman. I wish they took the car salesman…absolutely!

I thought I had something amusing to write…then this came out.

Join now! The Embrace the Madness Foundation. Have you ever felt left out? Found yourself covered in blood on the side a road in the middle of nowhere? Enjoy The Veronicas passed age 9? Embrace the Madness and come and give me a hug.

Disclaimer: If you’re smelly, ugly, a drug addict (your chemical induced insanity is not insanity…it’s stupidity), wielding a weapon with the intention killing me with it… because God told you to, or a West Coast Eagles supporter…the go hug someone else!

You know who I’d love a crack at…Ricki-Lee…Annoying, shit, 3^rd rate Australian Idol reject but look at those dangerous curves…yummo!

BLOAWWW!

I hate people…can I say that again? Well too bad I just did. Misanthropy is fun…separates me from the population.

I don’t care what anyone says…I think redheads are hot…well some. Ok…let me put this in terms you’ll understand…Redheads are hot…Rangas are not. Got It?

My mum thinks I’m a chauvinist…I say I’m old fashioned…now cook me dinner, bitches!

I only like ONE pregnancy that I see at the moment…but that’s because it’s my best friend and his fiancé’s kid. No one else qualifies for the acceptable addition to the world population. I want the ‘Children of Men’ scenario to happen. Just for 10 years. I’ll be Clive Owen too…that guy is a dude!

Ben Hilfenhaus (Aussie Cricketer) is a surly looking bastard…I think he’s a dude too.

I wish I could carry off the Clive Owen/Ben Hilenhaus look…the 9am shadow, looking like I hate everything and somehow pulling hot women…that’s some man shit. But alas, I haven’t shaved for 3 days and still look like a 15 year old boy. Tall, dark and handsome I’m not. Medium sized, pale as fuckin’ ghost (Thanks Deb from Dexter for that one) and boyishly cute is what I am…fuck!

Two things I enjoy at moment…partying and writing. Nothing else makes me remotely happy. I despise work, hate public transport and want a shitload people to go away for about 4 decades…Just have enough people to carry out the everyday bullshit that this economy needs to function and the world would be a better place. Send the rest of the people to colonise Mars or some shit. You’d be doing something noble I’m sure.

...this is your new home

I’m getting into dance music…because I don’t need to think about what I’m hearing.

I love net advertisements for nerdy shit like World of Warcraft copies or something like that…it’s always some hot woman in some costume saying ‘Come and play, My Lord’…what weird sense of dominance these pimply, awkward nerdlingers want over women, they won’t be able to touch until they’re in their mid 30’s. Only because they’ll have a better bank account than most of us then…and finally they’ll realise that it’s good to let someone who isn’t there mum go shopping for them, buy a sport car and get them some golddigger pussy *cues Kanye West*…until then, enjoy the masturbation and Fantasy book themed pornography.

She can play with my joystick...that's only gaming sex pun I have right now...

I would have been a great psychology major I think…imagine me hearing people’s problems…actually, that would be good for no one.

When I think about the phrase Sexual Assault…I think who was the bastard who thought it was good idea to euphemise the word Rape? It was probably a rapist. It’s an awful thing to happen to someone, don’t gloss over it. It is what is… a disgusting, savage act which shouldn’t happen to any woman or child (‘prison sex’ doesn’t count IMO) under any circumstance EVER.

I’d smoke weed…if I don’t think I’d become and one those bad stoners…you know ones….they don’t work, don’t wash, and think they’re bongo playing is a decent form of busking.

You know what upsets me about Oz Hip Hop?… it’s deadshit fans…you truly let the brand down…you make me ashamed of liking the genre or being once involved heavily in the scene or listening to it in my car.

I’m a little over nightclub violence, why not just people punch on in the street sober, during the middle of day? It’s just as stupid and least I can become a bookie of the random street brawls.

...ok this has nothing to do with last paragraph...but it's whale with weapons...thats funny and weird

Attention people who think you’re more than you actually are: There is a great leveller for EVERYONE…it’s called death!

So many Indie Beards not enough people walking around with clippers.

Can anyone imagine me getting paid to wonder about things, and wandering around the world in search of truth and fun. That’s it I’m becoming a writer…a Brain Splatter book….it’d make heads explode…*cough*

To quote badly quote Billy Connolly: Vagina…sounds like it’s a nice place….and it is.

One of these dance songs I’ve been listening to has the hook (after a long build up) “We should all wear polka dots”…what the fuck!?

I know for fact that people I dislike are having a bad day…and that makes me smile.

I never thought I’d work 2 jobs. But when the 2^nd job is so much fun…who gives a shit!

Baby poo brown is the new black.

I admit it…I like watching women run.

I love the fact I’m a permanent outsider in my own extended family…they’re a bunch of Solider Sniffers and Cop Lovers in the first place…I’ll stick to my backpackers, club fiends, sluts, degenerates and disenchanted youths looking for a good time.

Until next time…Embrace the Madness!

Regards

Gav

Boredom…by Gavin Crossley

Boredom:

I’m bored…two words you don’t want to hear as a parent or on a date or even at work…which is where you hear that one the most.

Then doesn’t your mind drift…drift into oblivion…drift into those thoughts you suppress…you know the ones…those dark, sexy thoughts. The ones you have at night after a long night on the piss and you can’t sleep.

Thoughts like this…

‘Man, I shouldn’t drink so much’

That turns into…

‘Man, I need a fuckin’ drink’

Then…

‘And maybe I shouldn’t have had the threesome with those two dirty sluts on that trip in Thailand…man that itches’

And this turns into…

‘I should give…ahhh…what’s her fucking name…fuck… either way, I should give her a call she gave good gobby and swallo…’

Sanity then prevails for a second when you think…

‘But she had the clap…it took a month to fix that shit up’

You then snap out of it and realise 10 minutes has passed and you’re now an half an hour away from lunch and flirting with that hot ranga with the lazy eye and yellow teeth…

“Fuck it’

You drift back into those thoughts…

‘You know who was under-rated…Delta Goodrem’

DANGEROUS THINKING…DANGEROUS!

“Yoour  juuuuusttt sooooo preeeeedictable, in every way I…”

Now you’re singing…pull up! PULL UP! PULL THE FUCK UP!

So you pull up there is a shadow over your desk, it’s the boss.

He says to you quietly…

“Nice singing…but get back to work.”

FUCK, FUCK… FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Incredibly embarrassing, you die a little inside…then somehow drift back into those thoughts.

You as check out the cute girl from accounts, with the nice tits but well disguised in that blazer….oh yeah.

“God damn, I want to chew her out for about an hour. With two fingers up her arse, I wonder if she squirms….I wonder if she’s squirter….’

You picture this wonderful scene in your head…for a good 2o minutes…in graphic detail…porn directors wouldn’t be able to top the eroticism going on in your head right now.

Then Johnno from HR comes along…

“Mate, its lunch time”

Then you realise you have a hard-on that could break bricks….

‘Fuck!” You think…

You try to delay getting up while this super-boner is splitting your pants.

You: ‘Gimme 5…I gotta finish this report’

Johnno: “Fuck man…alright’

He disappears over to Jane’s desk….Jane is the woman who got triple teamed on the washroom sink at the Christmas party last year and no one says anything but EVERYONE in the company knows about it. Johnno is trying to get a sloppy 20^th from her, I guess.

You then concentrate on non-sexy thoughts….

“Dead fish, Gretel Killeen…who smells like dead fish, the winner of Masterchef, your mum, Johnno’s mum, bring eaten alive by a Donkey’…

Progress…floppier….

“errrr….the wall, tennis….metalheads, nipple piercing, Christmas Carols…’

Now you’re back to normal size…and ready for lunch.

Although when you get up you feel a damp patch on your crotch area…you ignore it and head off to see your redhead friend at Miss Mauds…

Boredom…not so boring after all.

Written and conceived by Gavin Crossley.

Brain Splatter…brought to you by baseball bats.

Karaoke is stupid. Sad fucks, singing good or bad songs AWFULLY, is not my idea of a good time. I wonder how many of these Karaoke addicts become suicides?

I was watching Baseball, the most American of games…and then playing in the arena…”I come from a land down under”…right…

Just for fun…here’s the ‘Down Under’ video.

I’m not one for patriotism (see my blogs about Australia Day…wait, I deleted those…moving on) but if you played that as the national anthem at the Olympics I think most Aussies wouldn’t mind. Including me…

Amusing weirdo of the week: The guy who wants to rape and kill Delta Goodrem, but told her on Twitter….errr nice way to ruin your surprise attack. Besides go kill someone who deserves it, you cocksucker! Gretel Killeen…hello? You’d be doing god’s work you religious fanatical fuckwit. Leave the hot ones alone, no matter how average her music. Natalie Bassingthwaite is also another person i’d suggest you aim your ‘love’ at.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/843979/cyber-stalker-threatens-delta-goodrem

Leave the hot ones alone...

I find it scary that even my mum knows how much I hate Gretel Killeen, that lego-headed scumbitch! GET OFF MY TV!

You know what…listening to Pink Floyd and writing this blog is soothing for hungover man, with an interesting predicament with woman code named: Lavender…sad.

Shit movie of the week:

Fuck sake, I played with GI Joes as a kid (and there cheap cousins Corps…which are now named International Peace Keepers…fuck euphemisms, they’re toy soldiers and should be happy with that!). They didn’t have Acceleration suits, Sienna Miller or Channing ‘I’m trying to man up after doing faggoty dance flicks and teen rom coms’ Tatum….fuck this movie for ruining my boyhood imagination adventures with a bunch of toys in the dirty and trees in the back garden. King Cobra should be a real arsehole too not some British guy *buzzer*…no Sienna Miller….as good as she looks in leather. Don’t even start me on the casting of General Hawk…fuck me!

My god what is with women looking like Lady Gaga…DON’T COPY THIS LOOK. It’s not hot. Thank You.

*buzzer*

I got asked to be in threesome at my local this weekend…I would have said yes…if the other guy she was asking to be no.3, wasn’t standing right next to me at the time. Although if it was another woman standing next to me…

Note to people in nightclubs: YOU need to chill the fuck out, have a drink, dance like an idiot or dance well (if you’re actually a good dancer), enjoy the music and don’t glass each other, punch on or act hard for no good reason…you’re ruining it for the rest of us. As much as I enjoy the show from the booth…if someone with as short fuse as I do can have can control myself in that environment, you should be able to!

*shakes his head* Although points for belting someone while maintaining your Cigarette.

Does anyone know the name of the Mr.Whippy music? It brings such joy…especially to this unashamed ice cream fan.

Best Line in a movie EVER:

Pirates…the porn flick.

Towards the climax (pun intended), the dude in the scene, stands up to deliver his money shot, he then asks the two ladies who he’s been porking for the last 10 minutes of the movie this…

Dude: Say i’m greatest pirate hunter in the world…

Girls (on their knees): You’re greatest pirate hunter in the world

*Money Shot*

Dude (looking satisfied): I’m greatest pirate Hunter in the World…

Adult Cinema Classic!

What I’d rate as the best moments in a bogan man’s life.: Winning the Grand Final, First feel of a girl boobs, First Root (which last 5 seconds…this ends up being his average), That night in Sydney you and the boys, took home those two sluts and had a game of ‘soggy biscuit’… what were they 14-15?, beating up those international students because ‘in Australia, we speak fuckin English’, that night together Ryan in the tent…whoops I think we’ve said too much.

Note about the above note: I hope you’re smart enough to realise that was a joke…but me writing this note says I very little faith in you….sorry.

I’ve never been as confident as I am right now…yet around a woman I have genuine feelings for, I crumble and over-think the situation…why is that…and what does say about my view on women I’d sleep with and never speak again…’yep, men are such arseholes’.

Sorry Metal fans, but long exposure to your genre makes me question the reason why I live.

You know what? fuck this!….i’m having a nanna nap….back later.

*some time passes*

And i’m back….

I love hearing about strategy talk in Footy…I have a great strategy for a football game: tackle, kick and run. Go son!

I know this is petty, but thank fuck I never had Acne.

Another 760 words of bullshit…and you’re still reading this….

I miss Sammy Jnr. He was a good mascot.

Whoopsie I haven’t put my usual hot chick picture up yet….

Happy now? I am.

I think kids ought to stop watching this Yu-Gi-Oh shit, bring back to the good cartoons. Fuck Ben 10 too!

You know who I’m sick of seeing on TV…Ricky Ponting. I know you’re the captain of the Aussie Cricket Team…you get enough face to time, chewing your gum and belting a ball around the park. I don’t care to see your ugly face, schilling deodorant or something of the like. The same goes for Adam Gilchrist…your career is over. God dammit, run a business or something.

I love you, bat...

I want a better paying job for this simple fact…I wanna live alone. That would make me smile…although my porn consumption would increase 10 fold.

To end the splatter this week…a quote…

Gav, you’re a fucking arsehole – An ex girlfriend

Regards

Gav