Back with a question for the ladies…

Don’t worry this is not about me…

This is about ONE OF MANY things that piss women off. I haven’t pissed any women off lately…well I did stir up my boss today but she’s awesome…and ’service returned’ me later in the day.

One thing that I heard about and want to quiz ladies about is this…

Your boyfriend tells you he likes a celeb woman…what one pisses you off?

Apparantly a common one that upsets women in relationship is this wonderful creature….

Jennifer Love Hewitt...a wet dream on a shit TV show. Also an this a perfect excuse to slap her up on this blog....Jennifer...yummmo!

Why? Apart from the fact she has the PERFECT body, and the best NATURAL rack ever…Is the fact that she’s can carry off the girl next door look.? Why are you so upset about Ms. Love Hewitt? Leave her alone!

For the record: She is second most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen…a girl I met through work (I don’t work with her) is my current No.1. Seriously…my heart skipped a beat or fourteen. I was actually speechless….almost impossible for me.

P.S I lusted after Jennifer since ‘Party of Five’. 10 year Gav, thinking ‘I wish I was 18…i’d like to have sex with her….hehehehe sex….heheheheehe boobies!’.

P.P.S My mum said “typical’ when I asked her about this eariler today….

“brown hair, big boobs. Typical’

…Thanks Mum, you know my type. Scary.

Note: I’ve only ever dated one brunette….I must improve this.

Back to my point…

Ladies, I wanna know what woman would REALLY upset you if he said….”____ _____ is hot”.

Actually…boys. What dude would get your ire up?

Mine would be a some muscle bound dickhead like Vin Diesel. Because you know who she’s thinking about if you’re sex life turns to shit (Oh, Vinnie!…she says)….or the kinda of dude she’d fuck if she cheated on you, some muscle asshole. I’m a skinny man…always will be. I’ve been cheated on by the way…but I don’t who it was…don’t care to know.

Anyway I’ll leave these questions with you…i want answers too.

With JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT lust

Gav

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S I get odd looks when I mention i’d date Rosie Beaton…ask previous girlfriends.

Brain Splatter the new name for ‘random thoughts’ blogs…

I kinda half stole this George Carlin ‘Brain Droppings’ book title (a good book by the way)…so here we go…

God Bless ‘One HD’

Free TV ESPN...awesome!

NBA Playoffs. IPL Cricket (I actually don’t care about IPL Cricket) and Netball!

The ANZ Championship...meaning these girls don't have to work at IGA anymore to support themselves.

This ‘girls game’ is cool and not because of having played some Mixed Netball in my time (I’m a good Goal Attack). It’s these athletic women. I admire how they move, they’re swift, hard at the ball and not afraid to throw elbows….awww yeah!

I’ve never dated a girly girl EVER…it’s not in my interest too. So maybe that’s why I enjoy watching these women who would TOWER over me, run and stop around for a while. Yes, it’s a non-contact sport (althought the referee says that word a lot)…and yes footy and basketball (at the NBA level, the NBL is fucking joke) are better games. But you’ll never catch me knocking netball. In fact, I wanna date a netballer now. Imagine the looks i’d get introduceing her to my friends…baha.

Gav: Hi, this is Sarah…

Sarah: Hi, i’m going to the ladies for sec…

Gav: Sure, can someone show her where that is…thanks.

*couple of awkward seconds*

Male mate: Fuck, you can pick em’ Gav.

Gav: what?

Male: She’s like 7 foot tall, she could kick MY arse!

Gav: You should see her in practice…

Professional netball girls (or even just a really tall, leggy athletic girl)…call me.

Sidenote: Imagine…Gav the netball chick groupie. I’m breaking new ground here…

The splatter:

I wish I wasn’t such a nice guy (in person i’m lovely thank you very much). I’m agreeing with my favourite reader here (she know who she is), there is no karmic balance. Bad shit happens…nothing good comes to good people. You have to be an a total prick to get ahead on this planet. Look what happen to Jesus (my favourite novel character but hey).

Twitter: Just status updates…thats it. Have peoples attention spans shorten that much?

Something for the kids: DON’T READ THIS!

I’m starting to not even bother with girls with my own accent…am I THAT disillusioned?

Best thing in the world: A woman sitting your lap facing you, in a lonnnnng hug….god, I need one those again!

Tasers: I want one…actually I’ll take one of these instead.

OH YES! The fun I would have...

Just walking around town, prodding people. Especially charity workers and religious type.

Preacher: Have you found Je *ZZZZZZZZ*

*drops to the ground*

Satisfying.

That’s all…for now…

Love

Gav

Eating ones words…

I wrote this on March 30:

I’m a Sydney Swans supporter,  but i’ll tell you even though my Swans are going to have a very bad year (they didnt score for 2 whole quarters last week!). I’m still glad the Dockers aren’t my team. I secretly hope they succeed (just for thier supporter base, because they’re normally better people than those Eagles supporters) I really do. I’ll openly HATE the Eagles and they’re “superior” supporters until I die too.

But just watching them yesterday as a innocent bystander, you just think FUCK SAKE, YOU’RE A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER…HIT A TARGET!!!. I would have changed teams by now if I was a Dockers supporter as a kid. How does one team constantly fuck it up so much?

I have a bowl with these words in it and a spoon as I say this….

How does this blogger get owned bad by Freo?

THIS WAY!

Scoreline from last nights Fremantle Dockers game Vs (my team) Sydney Swans at Subiaco Oval (with me in at the game)

121 – 100

…FUCK!

Probably one of the VERY FEW times we got our hands on the ball last night...

Disgraceful result from my Swans losing to the bottom of the ladder Dockers (FUCK!)…but I won’t rip them…i’ll say *gulp*, Freo beat us….fair and square. *swallows hard* We’re thrashed, the scoreboard was kind…Sydney were NEVER in the game. *Nearly gags*

This is me eating my words….they taste like shit, stupid Swans, stupid Dockers…stupid everything!

Regards and Tantrums

Gav

Best Movie EVER!

Quite possibly the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE!

CHUCKY!

The Movie: Invasion U.S.A

What a title! YOU HAVE TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH A TITLE LIKE THAT!

I was flicking channels trying to kill time before a social occassion when I caught this movie on Showtime Grates. I see Terrorists invaded the U.S.A (thus the title)…and our main bad guys have already killed two young american lovers (shot them), a dealer (also gunned down) and some coke sniffing chick (defenstration!). Those bastards!

Gav’s thought: Fuck yes, this is staying for a while

This film was beautifully stupid, wonderfully 80’s and violent as fuck! Even better was the RUTHLESS villian ‘Rostov’ (Robert Lynch), the PERFECT 80’s action villain. Platinum blonde hair, Russian, mad as a cut snake and a ruthless mother fucker! I can’t stress how cool of  a bad guy ‘Rostov’ is.

See!

Just you think this bastards are going to take over the U.S (dear god no!)….enter CHUCK NORRIS!

Everyone's favourite 80's alpha male.

Sidenote: Yes, i’m incredibly late on the Chuck Norris bandwagon…but i had never seen a Chuck Norris film, okay?

Gav Thought: THIS MOVIE JUST GOT AMAZING!

This movie turns into Chuck Norris killing these bastards, saving the day (how he saves the day as much as he does defies logic, time and space…but it is Chuck Norris) and says some awesome one liners…this one is after the terrorists group plan to blow up a church….those bastards!

The best line in the movie:

Chuck: I’ll hit you with so many rights, you’ll be beggin’ for left

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA YES!

I wish these, stupid, violent, politicially inncorrect films would come back. I’m sure there are cheaply made, shit action movies (look at Steven Seagal’s movies from last 10 years…he churns out 2-3 a year, check your local video store). But they have don’t a hilarious script or dozens of faceless, soulless minions being mowed down by an invincible hero….and they don’t have Chuck Norris.

Who in films could take to place of the 80’s action heroes like Arnie, Sly and Chuck. Vin Deisel…ffft, Tom Cruise….fffft, Paul Walker…fuck off! Mark Wahlburg is the pick of the bunch (In my opinion)…because he choose to put his name on ‘Shooter’ which is as close these stupidly violent action flicks as anything made in the last 20 years. That was a fun movie!

Best action film of the decade....apart from The Bourne series and Bad Boys 2...its sad that I love that movie huh?

This is one of best movies ever made. I haven’t enjoyed a movie this much since Kill Bill and Bad Boy 2….so nearly 6 years without that much enjoyment…if it takes a god awful, stupid, violent film to make me smile again…then bring on more stupid 80’s action films…or a comeback to these flicks.

Regards

Gav

Transperth…

Transperth: Your local inept bus service…

Not my actual bus route.

Dear Transperth,

If you say the bus coming at 6am to my stop? I don’t know….delivery the fucking service would you please? It’s what you do!

I don’t mind being 5-10 minutes late to the train station, those trains run every 5-10 minutes at that time of day…that’s cool by me, I’ll still make work on time with no issues. But waiting for 25 minutes after the usual arrival time… fuck that.

Lift your game, guys. This is not first time you’ve failed at driving a bus route on time (not that you’re complaints department is any better) but for a service that says it’s one of the best in Australia, you may want to give our friends in Melbourne a call about their service and punctuality. That is a reliable transport system.

Example 2: Joondalup Train Station, late afternoon, a few weeks ago.

Another Note: I know this is petty, but this is what I think about on public transport.

I’m sitting, waiting for the Joondalup Shuttle Bus to the ECU, going through my haul of promo Cd’s for the upcoming radio show ( I was due on-air in about 2 hours). I’m fiddling with the packages after viewing my new content, when a lovely lass who was sitting next to me, grabs the boxes and holds the envelopes as I wrap the Cd’s back up with the elastic band (for some reason I lost all co-ordination between brain and hands at this moment). Her rather strange response to me saying ‘thank you’ was this…

Girl: I’m not going for your crotch (the Cd’s were in my lap), I’m just helping out.

Then she smiles and gets up.

I gave her a funny, yet shocked look. I’m an oddball but who says THAT! Wow.

*The bus pulls up*

Maybe I was still reeling from the last thing said to me (you have to admit it’s mighty strange thing to say to someone), but this girl and a few other randoms get on the bus, I stuff my CD’s in my bag as quickly as I can and as I get up…the bus pulls away…

Gav: What the f….SON OF A BITCH!

I was FURIOUS!

The bus pulling up and leaving was about 10 seconds in duration. Some people can’t finish a sentence in 10 seconds! I know I can’t.

10 SECONDS! Most buses at least give you 20-25. 10 seconds! The high school kids who saw this incident (for lack of a better word), thought it was a highly amusing scene. I gave them a dirty look, they turned away and continued on talking about whatever inane shit they were talking about before I was left in a cloud of carbon monoxide.

This was a bus port too! You expect at least a minute of stoppage time from the bus driver at the fucking busport. I even called the Transperth Complaints line afterwards and told them about this (yep, I’ve become one those people now). No response to my complaint yet…bastards.

So, this is your bus service Perth. Fuck, I hate bus drivers.

Regards

Gav

World’s Softest Problem…

Apart from the bullshit that teenagers complain about or anything you’ve heard sung by My Hearts Bleeds (not a real band name) or any emo sounding band…this is the World Softest Problem!

This is what i'm faced with...

Is Kittens on my keyboard, we’re hand raising some kittens (due out soon thank fuck!) at the moment and they’re now healthy and kitten-like enough to become a nuisance. Especially when I’m typing…many a sentence over the last 3 weeks has been ruined by this menace (I hope your getting the jokey tone here).

The offenders...cute and annoying!

But when trying to think of something entertaining and interesting for people to read while trying not to go mad because you’ve got a stomach bug and you can’t go out (when you really need a Jagerbomb) and then your best mates rings and says there is a hot chicks 21st birthday at your local and ALL of her hot friends are at the club (One million pussy puns run through my head because these kittens)….then some little shithead kitten comes does this…. liq3oi328nf. Shits me on so many levels! HOT 21ST PARTY CHICKS! I don’t think a stomach bug is the best pick up line…but that sounds my enviroment! I’m stuck at home with sifbwv223y78 GET OFF THE DAMN KEYBOARD!

DOOOOONNNN'T!

I hope you can feel my pain here and get passed the cuteness and now one is settling down in my lap…don’t go to sleep…. Fuck, now I can’t move….god damn kittens.

Regards

Gav

P.S This is the kitten who just settled in my lap...pre lap...you don't need a picture of crotch...

Manners and etiquette

One thing I pride myself on is manners. Not on here, this is very much an uncouth, uncensored Gav. So much so, that in person I almost never swear in public, seriously. I’ve shocked a few who read this blog of mine when they’ve met me and they realise that I don’t swear in most peoples company (it’s great control for radio btw). Unless you’ve known me for years or you’re my best mate Ben…(our talk is gutter), i’m not going to swear, especially if you’re a lady.

The shirt says it all for me...as long i'm alive this will be true!

I say please and thank you, I even say sir and ma’am (this is great for my real job). I’ve said it a nightclubs…and I got laughed at….LAUGHED AT! People freak out when I use good manners. WHY? Weren’t we all taught good manners? I was drilled with it (a belated thanks, Mum). I open doors for women and do the ‘ladies first’ thing. I’m polite to most people (accept street and door-to-door salespeople or charity beggers….seriously guys, FUCK OFF!).

Is this weird?

Why do women nearly fall over?

I don’t care about the moral decline of society…but this is source of great pain for me.

Try and do this for a random female stranger and she'll belt you with a tire iron...seriously.

People swearing profusely on the trains and such offends me (using the word fuck too much limits the impact of the word and makes you sound retarded!), women that swear more than I do with Ben, in public makes me blush and feel sad.

Gav’s proposed rule for the ladies: NO WOMAN SHOULD USE THE “C” WORD! EVER!

Some women hate chivarly, and I understand that…the feminist thing is all well and good, ladies but don’t give me a dirty look for being nice. I’m being nice to you, just because I want to get in your pants. Most of the time i’m being nice for the sake of being nice….thats all!

I’m too polite at times though, I’ve been in situations when on a date when a woman has had jump me to make me kiss her…this has actually happened. I know I should make the first move, but thats my shyness shining through…thats TOO polite.

I want to know from the readers (especially the ladies) should I drop this manners thing and just turn into the average Joe, saying “show us ya tits!”, drinking beer and grabbing a cute girls arse….because it seems like you ladies like that shit. So help me out here people…am I going about this completely wrong?

Regards

Gav

Sex!!!!! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

Now that i’ve got you attention….let’s talk about sex…not fucking…maybe some fucking,  but no shit-eating fetish stuff or S&M.

Note: AS YOU CAN TELL ALREADY, THIS WILL NOT BE FOR YOUNGER READERS!

Mans' thought: YESSSSSSSSS!

Let’s talk about my favourite activity, well I write and you read and you can make comments later. Half the songs ever written are about sex (the other half are about break ups). Especially R&B (the good old school stuff an that bullshit they call R&B now). Sex is the driving force behind all of us, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. As scary as it to think about you parents going a few rounds on dad’s ol’ ute in Lancelin back in the day (my parents lived in NSW so this is not a scenario from my conception). They did it, made you. Now if your a male like me…you wanna fuck everything that moves….possibly if you’re lady too. Trust me, ladies think about it as much we do…probably even more.

“Hey, baby. Can I buy you a drink?”

Until you get attached to the woman, you’ve unleashed you sex drive on (as long as she accepted you of course). If you were any good at the act of sex (skill is important, size too but the ladies don’t say that in mixed company), she’s stuck around and now your dating and getting sex, quite often. That really fun part of a relationship…getting to knoowwwwwww you….wow!

Man: “Shall we go to the shower, sweetheart”

Woman: “Okay”

You can be injured during sex…it’s a strenuous activity (imagine a broken penis or a torn labia…ouch!). It’s good exercise, excellent cardio. As you don’t end up like Lonely Island and have ‘Jizz in your Pants’ (has music fallen this far?…yes). As you can see I don’t sex too seriously, until I get my rocks off, and then it’s GAME ON, WHAT BLLLLLLAT! *Gav starts laughing incessantly*

Please don’t picture me in an Amercian football uniform going to my partner (of which I dont have at the moment).

Gav: Hey, gorgeous do you wanna re-enact the Superbowl after party. I’m Tony Romo and you’re Jessica Simpson. HIKE!

But sex to me is different than fucking. Fucking is a drunken night out, and you go home with some woman you’ll never see again (probably with tattoos on neck saying “I eat shit like you for breakfast”) and she hurts you ways you’ve never experienced…but in your deepest darkest thoughts would kill for again…that’s fucking.

Suit up!

Porn? thats definately fucking. Slamming some skank with fake tits for 30 minutes with a ridiculously huge cock and spraying seamen on her face ON FILM, is the fucking defined, put in a book and give a nice red bow.

Sex can still be that exciting, i’m sure many a couple watch porn together, get randy as all shit and end up trying to re-enact these acts.

Girl: Honey, I try that want one, right now

*Girl jumps guy*

Watching people having sex? Interesting, in 3rd person point of view (you can get POV porn too!). Masterbating to visual aid of people fucking…hmmm. Not bagging porn, I will admit I not only have watched, ive enjoyed it. Especially the shitty dialouge. That being said the best line in a movie EVER!

*Guy about to perform his money shot on two girls*

Dude: Say I’m the greatest pirate hunter in world!

Girls: You’re the greatest pirate hunter in the world!

*Money Shot*

Dude: I’m greatest pirate hunter in the world..

*Look satisfied and pleased with himself*

COMEDY GOLD!

WooHoo! Bra strap off! Rock on!

People like to call sex “making love”…as lovely as ‘making love’ sounds, DON’T EUPHEMISE SEX! Actually, do. There is some at least 1000 ways to say sex without saying it. I’m not George Carlin so I won’t fire off a list of favourites…

…

…

I’m not going to…sorry…sheesh!

I love the cliche’s involved in the speech about sex, “Those who talk about it most, don’t get any” (I’m proving the rule today obviously),”Big Feet…Big whatever”, “Double-bag for that one, dude”, etc, etc. Some most well presented girl are filthiest, nastiest peice of work ever!  I’ll put money on that.

Sex has industry too, you can pay for sex, pay for some pretty girl to strip to get you in the mood, pay for video of other people having sex in as many fetishes, styles and positions as you please, you pay for sex aids, and pay for sex phone lines…wow, that one makes me giggle everytime. Overall I think a prostitute would be cheaper fellas! I wish I had of thought of these ideas i’d swimming in money and women after me for my money….sex for money.

Women can turn the most hardened man (pun pun pun pun) into a pile of goo, with just one look even suggesting sexual interest interest, well some can…. some “you wouldn’t fuck with your worse enemies dick” (Gretel Killeen has a penis?). We’re judgemental aren’t we, BOTH women and men…

Guy: “No, wouldnt fuck her, look at her head, she must have had a brith defect, Fuck”

Girl: “Ewww, go away you fucking creep, not a chance, freak”

That being said, as much as they don’t like to admit, women will take a man with lots of money over a man with none, even if the rich guy is a hideous little troll. You don’t see a stunner walking around with a vagrant do you? You see a stunner in some douches’ BMW. As you can tell i’m not rich. Even if I was rich I wouldn’t bother with a woman like that. The sex would be average.

Gotta love that we’ve turn sex into a sport too…skills sets, physical attributes, whats next we start up the WSL (World Sex League)? In fact i’m patenting that….’thats the next best to being in there’….there’s my slogan!  A franchise name Paris Penetrators!

This is a good uniform

As you can tell, it’s easy to write about sex, even easier to think about, and even easier for me at least to make 2 pages worth of visual and written jokes. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did…I need a cigarette and a cold shower.

With Lust

Gav

The Definition of a Good Day.

I like simple days, hanging out with a person you like in the sun on the beach, talking about nothing at all. Those are the best days (shits on a night of drinking, seriously). The only thing better is a day/night with a lover just cuddled up together…nothing beats that but, I had one of these days today….but because there is a “Kiss and No Blog Cause” (there was no kissing involved) this had to pre-approved. Baha. So be glad you’re reading this.

I hung out with my friend (and blog reader) Kristy and it then ascended into just one of those incredibly nice days you’ll think of in your rocking chair. We had a nice lunch, we sat down at the beach for 90 minutes, lying there talking shit without a care in the world (the BEST kind of conversation btw). She was also lucky enough recieved one of my world famous neckrubs (because I said how good I am…so I had to prove myself)…they are pretty good from all accounts…I have healing hands, dammit.

We exchanged stories, told jokes, laughed smiled and played ‘Boggle” at the pub at Mindarie (whatever its called)… for the record she DESTROYED me in Boggle. In Uno though Kristy you’re mine! You’ll suffer a crushing defeat..muaahaahahahah

*cough*

She has a very nice car too. It’s one of those modern Euro cars with coolers in the drink holders and that kind of shit. I like little gadgets like that. You know the kinda car that has when it rains it turns on the wipers by itself…either way I was thinking I hope don’t fuck up this car. I don’t know how…but I thought I would hurt this well oiled machine. I have shit luck like that.

But making a new friend, especially one as interesting as she is…is always
a simple and wonderful experience…and one I haven’t had for a while. It’s kinda like that White Stripes song.

“I just know that we’re gunna be friends”…or something like that.

That’s the feeling from today.

A truly pleasant and memorable experience, and one I didn’t think i’d ever experience again. Let’s just hope it doesnt end as tragically as the relationship with a friend after a similar kind of a day in the Mornington Pennisula. That shit stings still. I’m sorry, Sarah.

The Transients

I thought i’d big up one of my favourite and upcoming Perth Groups.

The Transients

These guys are the WA answer to The Presets

They won last year’s Weatern.Oz Song of the Year and were No.1 in The WA Top 10 AS A DEMO!

The won the award for Artist of the Year and Best Electronic at the Music Oz awards in 2008. Played a whole bunch of big dance festivals and this before they’ve released anything. My growing love for dance/electronica starts with these guys.

They’re awesome, seriously.

They have EP due out in the mid part of this year (apparantly the release date of April 2009 is not going to happen now).

You can check out there gear @ www.transients.net

They have a facebook group anda myspace too but you follow those links through thier website.

They are Perth’s next big act, mark my words!  When The Transients drop…you should buy this EP! I’ll let you when it drops.

Regards

Gav